


I can’t stop this don’t you know that, 날 더 보여줄래 너에게?

by WhiteSugarCat



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, M/M, Other, Platonic Relationships, Romance, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2020-09-29 13:17:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 51,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20436668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteSugarCat/pseuds/WhiteSugarCat
Summary: Changkyun is supposed to be cold and withdrawn; Kihyun is supposed to be confident and arrogant. Somehow they're more similar than they realise. Upon meeting, they become more entangled in each other's lives than they could have expected, going through the trials and tribulations of idol life side-by-side and unveiling the reality that exists beyond the spotlights and sparkles of the stage.Beginning at the break-up of Nu'bility, tracking through No Mercy to the formation of Monsta X and each era that has followed since, this story follows Changkyun and Kihyun's relationship and the successes and stresses they go through.Update: As of 2nd Feb's chapter, No.Mercy era has ended and we're now moving into the run up to debut!Tags will be added as needed - and I may rewrite this summary if I work out what I actually want it to say!





	1. Intro Track: The Bitterness of a Fresh Start

**Author's Note:**

> I want to preface this by saying I know absolutely nothing about the members of Nu'bility (apart from the basic research I've done on how they unfortunately came to no longer be, and the fact that most of the team seemed to have dyed their hair blonde?!) so the personalities displayed here are completely of my own design and not reflective of who they are. 
> 
> In addition, I'm obviously putting my own spin of things in many of the scenes that are to come in this story. When it comes to No Mercy, I'll be referencing the show as best I can, but there will be times when I tweak things for dramatic reasons, or simply because it feels right. I will try my best to warn you if that happens, and to give reasons for the way I portray these people.
> 
> The story will switch between favouring Changkyun and Kihyun, trying to give some different perspectives or fill in gaps as and when needed! 
> 
> Let's start our story with what was surely a less than happy moment for Changkyun...

Bitter.

It’s not a particularly favoured flavour, is it? Of course, sweetness can become overwhelming and that satisfying sugary lilt can become sickening. In contrast, something sour that may wrinkle someone’s nose can also give a powerful tang that lingers and tingles in the most pleasant way, whilst spiciness is coveted and lauded by certain palettes, but can burn and sharply crack the lips of others who sample it. Many flavours have two sides to their coins, just as with most things in life. Tastes vary; excess often ruins. It’s very hard, however, to see much good in bitterness… and unfortunately for the past few weeks it had been Changkyun’s constant companion, leaning on his shoulders with lazy arms that are too strong and heavy, an amused smirk on its lips as it rested its chin on his head, turning his thoughts into swirls of fog and dust, the entrance of a tomb.

They had known it was coming, which had allowed that resentment to build up. Known? Well, of course. How could they not? Whilst it was news that had once been uncertain, hopefully banished to the backs of minds and whispers in darkened dorm bedrooms, to nervously exchanged glances when they were encouraged to leave practice and the familiarity of their dance studio earlier than usual, soon enough it grew in strength and they could no longer deny it. The truth lingered in the eyes of their manager, the way he could no longer meet their eyes and twisted his hands in a mix of sympathy and personal loss, fearing for his job and family; it could be seen in the harried expressions and movements of staff as the five of them edged around within the company building, feeling home slipping from their sight. Still, perhaps each of them had held onto one finger of hope’s shrinking hand until that day.

July 1st, 2014. Hope’s bones crumbled and returned to ash, hand relinquishing its grip and letting all five of them drift away on the current of uncertainty. And reality - it hit _hard_, even if they’d had ample time to prepare. Somehow, even if you’re expecting it, a sudden strike of pain still takes your breath away. The grim reaper’s smile, even if anticipated, can be hard to bear, as rotten as it is.

Bitter.

Changkyun tasted it on his tongue as his fingers slowly hit the final keys and his post popped up brightly, harshly, with finality, on the screen of the phone clutched in his hand. Nu’bility was no more, he was no longer part of that team that dreamed and worked towards debut.

Beside him, where they sat perched on the lower bunk, the former owner of the bed’s shoulders visibly slumped. They were sat so close he could feel that tension drain, the slide of fabric against fabric before a soft thump of a head hitting the wall behind them thrummed. He didn’t want to look at Taehyuk just yet, needed a few moments more to catch his breath. It felt as if he’d been running a marathon and was severely lacking some much needed oxygen. He longed to close his eyes and just – _breathe_ again.

On the opposite bed he could sense a shifting as Jeongwook refolded his arms behind his head and sighed blankly at the slats of the bed above him, as if they may move at the whisper of breath. There were no sheets, no pillows, just the skeletal remains of abandoned beds. They no longer lived here.

Jeongwook had posted a similar tweet announcing that he was no longer part of Nu’bility earlier that day, and now that Changkyun and Taehyuk had followed suit, it was surely becoming clear to the small smattering of fans they had been nurturing over the run up to debut what was happening. It was happening.

Oppressive, heavy, the silence in the room stretched as all five of the boys breathed it in. The added weight in their lungs seemed to be dragging them down, bodies towards the earth, trying to pull them beneath so they could be drowned in mud; buried alive but un-resisting.

Bitter. So terribly, twisted-ly bitter.

It seemed to drag on, the only flavour in sight as the minutes achingly drifted, a bad headache pressing in.

“I’ll post later.”

Jongyeon’s voice wasn’t loud. Not at all. In fact, if used in a normal conversation it might have been deemed ever so slightly too soft. But in the room which had been grave-like, seeped in a blanket of silence for the past two hours, it was akin to a gunshot slicing the fabric to shreds, letting a gust of air into the stifling rotting atmosphere they’d be trapped in. And goddamn it, it was exactly what they needed.

At last five pairs of eyes that had steadfastly refused to meet are sharing gazes and the ice that had built in that crypt creaked softly at the huff of warmth and life. At last Changkyun felt oxygen in his lungs.

Jeongwook twisted his body somewhat, arching an eyebrow at Jongyeon’s form, whose arms are hooked over the edge of each bed, foot balancing him gently about five steps up from the floor. He leaned to one side, almost acrobatic. He was like a jester about to hop up and down into a dance for a bored king. He looked… like a hero.

“What? Why on earth are you gonna wait? I mean, what’s the point?”

A shrug, a tug of lips lifting. “I’m in no rush, you know? It’s just – bomb, after bomb, after bomb. I feel like we’ve hit the fans enough and, I dunno, I don’t want to push you all away, even if we’ll no longer be in arms’ reach of each other.” There was a real hint of a smile now, “Even if I’m already wondering if I’ll regret that.”

“Ha, look who’s talking! You little runt, you were always too cheeky for your own good.” A hand seemed to descend from heaven – if heaven can be considered the bunk above Jeonwook – and fingers were soon tangled in Jeongyeon’s bronze-gold locks as they determinedly ruffled. Byunghwa’s eyes were warm enough to banish the winter that had hovered in the room at last, despite the summery, stifling heat beyond the windows that had assuredly gripped Seoul throughout it all. “Shit, what’re you up to, anyway, cheering up your hyungs? Didn’t you see we still had another half hour of moping scheduled in?”

“I guess the kid didn’t see the memo. He always was asking us what was next every 10 minutes, even if he _did_ see the plan at the start of the day.” Changkyun finally found himself grinning as fingers gripped his shoulder kindly, a grounding anchor, Taehyuk’s voice by his side. There was nothing but affection in that tease, so sweet that it should be overwhelming. It wasn’t. It was welcomed.

Jeonwook’s reply was pondering and playful, “Hmm, well, let’s hope we taught him enough that he won’t be like that with his next group.”

“Man, you guys aren’t going to stop, are you? Even right here at the end!” For all his mock protesting, Jongyeon looked positively delighted at each and every word that had been thrown at him, grinning widely enough that his smile cut through the gloom of the room, sunset pouring in a golden pool of dabbling rivers and flavours.

Changkyun could breathe. “You’re right, we’re not.” His voice was low, lower than usual from disuse; he cleared the metaphorical dust from his lungs. “Really, none of us are going to stop, are we?”

Eyes turned to him, different shards of brown flaring to summery coppers – stardust. They knew his question wasn’t about the teasing, and each and every gaze was certain, filled with determination.

“Nope! Nobody’s gonna stop me! You guys always said I was stubborn, and you’re right, I’m a fighter!”

“You kidding? After all that time I spent on those vocal exercises? You’ll more likely see me dancing ballroom with some princess of a foreign country first!”

“Ha, well, much as I’d like to, my dream’s way too strong to control.”

“Right? It’s like a fucking drug. I’ve almost tasted it. No way in heck am I letting any other chances go.”

Their bright replies half swam into each other, like the tributaries of streams joining a larger river, and yet every word could somehow be heard, every voice harmonising but distinct. Life-giving.

Bitterness… isn’t all bad.

Not when it can reignite determination like this. It was clear from the words spoken that not one of them had been beaten by the flavour they were forced to taste. No, on the contrary, it had made them all the more hungry to succeed, to get the opportunity to taste a greater range of flavours instead. The realisation hit Changkyun strongly and he found himself nodding to the rhythm of its hopeful beat that now fluttered in his chest.

“Good. I wasn’t expecting anything different.” The heat of their dorm room was sweltering with that determination, drenched in sun, in smirks and grins. “I’m hoping to see your damn faces at every award and performance show in the future.” He turned his head slowly, making sure to catch all their gazes and delivering a teasing warning that was nevertheless completely serious.

“You bet!” Byunghwa’s wink lifted his eyes, head tilting to get a better look. “Just don’t get all huffy if some of us get there faster. I can bet you’ll be late, Changkyun-ah.”

Changkyun rolled his eyes as the four boys pointedly sniggered, ignoring the jab at his supposed tendency to be huffy, at his habit of entering conversations more slowly from a preference of listening. None of that meant he’d be even a second slower in fighting for a debut than any of them, even if they’d no longer be doing that side-by-side.

“Uh-huh.” His unruffled answer earned a pout from Byunghwa, and he was forced to wriggle closer to the heat of Taehyuk’s side as Jongyeon finally bounced down from the ladder leaned against the opposite bed and cuddled up into his side, arms hooked around his, chin upon his shoulder displacing the place bitterness had claimed for himself before. Whilst he did feel like a toy being squished between two toddlers as Taehyuk sat up and mimicked the pose on his other side, the sense of security was a relief, what with the uncertainty now laid upon the paths each of them would tread.

The silence had returned but it was of a completely different hue now. Pink. No longer bitter but bittersweet. They let it linger and curl around them, swirling with warm memories and prolonging the handful of moments they had left before their old manager would walk through the doors and point them off towards separate destinies. If they were lucky, perhaps they would still be entwined enough.

“Ha… I’m gonna miss you guys, though….” Changkyun breathed the words, eyes he hadn’t realised had fallen shut, inching open to half-mast, dazed and soft.

“Just make sure to keep up with the group chat and it’ll be fine.” Taehyuk waved a dismissive hand, the certainty in his voice reassuring, “We can still make sure to meet up through that sometimes, regardless of whatever agencies we’re all at.”

“Mmm, good call. We’re not going to be shaking each other off easy, even if our new teams will have to come first.” Smile playing on his lips, Jeonwook turned his head with a slight frown to stare at Changkyun, clearly thinking hard. “Speaking of which, Changkyun-ah, you dyed your hair back to dark brown. I’ve been meanin’ to ask: is your new agency all strict about trainees having natural hair colours? What was it again… Star-”

“Starship,” Changkyun supplied, unwinding his arm from Jongyeon’s grasp to run his fingers through his dark locks, freshly trimmed and coloured. He couldn’t quite adjust to the missing blonde tint that had fallen into his vision previously, and clearly Jeonwook felt the same, his eyes lingering longer than normal. “And, to be honest, I don’t know if they’re going to be strict on it, but I felt that I needed….” The words died on his tongue. Even with the warmth around him, they felt like a betrayal. Perhaps, because of that warmth they shouldn’t escape his lips, lips which squeezed shut, unsure.

“A fresh start?” Byunghwa’s voice, understanding, floated down from above. “Don’t blame you. I think we should all do something like that.” There was no judgement for the sentiment. Clearly, he felt that as much as it was an ongoing journey for each of them, this change qualified for a hint of newness, freshness… change.

The last few minutes of this safe, familiar family they had formed over their months together was coming to a close, just as the rays of sunlight start to stutter and die in the soft purples and pinks of oncoming twilight. It was too fast, too long, relentless. Changkyun gave himself a half beat to enjoy the moment, to anticipate with a vague feeling of excitement the challenges that would await him at Starship, his new agency, to bask in the softness of old and nostalgia, and the twinkle of the future. He hoped it would all go as well as it had here at Special K. He hoped he’d make friends with the other trainees as easily and quickly as he had here, despite his introverted personality. He hoped they all got on and strove for the same dream peacefully.

His well of hopes and wishes was so full by the end of the beat of time that he forgot the taste of bitterness completely.

“Mmm,” a hum of agreement, stomach clenching with butterflies. “A fresh start.” Changkyun repeated with a firm nod and a smile.

When, many months later, he stood on one of seven raised blocks, oppressively casting shadows on a stage, head cast down, features hidden from his hood raised up, eyes too carefully analysing the laces of his shoes, Changkyun would think back to that final, golden, lilac evening with a numb wonder.

He’d lost the chance of debuting, had carved the grave where rested his membership of Nu’biilty with the keys of his phone himself with that announcement, but had beaten away the bitter taste in his mouth with the smiles of his ex-members.

So why… why was it now - with the final member’s name being called out by the judges ringing in his ears, with his fingers digging into his palms in a wave of overwhelming guilt, his chance of debut now certain and clutched firmly in his grasp - that the bitterness was lacing his tongue once again like a poison?

Wasn’t he supposed to be tasting different flavours?

Ah. No, once again, it was…

_Bitter._


	2. Track 1: Hyeya has No.Mercy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun's working through his first couple of months at Starship Entertainment, but friendship, of course, doesn't come easily due to his introverted nature... and perhaps also his self-doubt. Slowly realising that those around him are more than happy to help him open up, he finds himself watching the second episode of No.Mercy with 11 more people than he had the first, becoming inspired by the young men he sees on the screen, in particular the powerful, emotional rendition of Hyeya by one of the competing vocalists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had it already written, so I thought to myself "ehhh, why wait, throw that thing out there!" and so here we are. ... Um, hey!
> 
> Okay, so massive liberties are taken with this whole chapter! You have been warned! Check out the bottom of this work for my reasoning (I don't shut up) for all these choices, particularly Changkyun's state of mind, his reaction to Kihyun, and so on. But first, let's deal with the influx of trainees everywhere, because at last we're in Starship.
> 
> Most of the trainees that have been named here are fictional, although I have borrowed first names from some pretty idols, because calling them by numbers or letters just didn't seem viable! The two who exist in reality, and are in fact signed to Starship, are Jeong Se-woon and Yoo Seungwoo. I haven't checked when they joined as trainees so perhaps they weren't there during this time period (pretend, please!), but then again, many kids are already training in idol agencies at 16 or 17, so... 
> 
> One final note before you start! I don't know either of the two especially (I've only really seen Se-woon singing with his guitar with Kihyun on VLive), so their personalities are invented. Se-woon does seem like a pleasant, gentle and well-spoken sort of person who sometimes lacks confidence or is overly humble, so that's what I went with. 
> 
> Everyone is a sweetpea, please love them.

Winter in Seoul was a time of grey mornings, stretching nights and amber lights. Days were more often chilled than not, sometimes freezing and icy, the sun’s rays crawling up to brighten the chosen tint of ashen sky for the day on most mornings. It made everything seem fragile, as if it would break in a gust of wind. Whilst rare, sunnier mornings were a frozen dream of watercolour paints, of blushing watermelon, duckling yellow and washed out denim. Rain fell in sleeting showers, everyone now and then coughing up wispy snowflakes, and it wasn’t until December had stumbled into sight, hunched over and tugging a frayed blanket about his shoulders, that the city was graced with its first carpet of snow. The city handled the weather well: car wheels only screeched occasionally on the odd slippery road corner and businessmen dressed in stylish suits would certainly sigh on the trains which were busier than usual, but never found themselves late to work; even the most fashion forward of women would tuck their high-heeled shoes into handbags to don safer footwear, smartly prepared.

Changkyun loved the colour white. He loved snow by default, peering up as the flakes fell in lazy, winding spirals, his boots making slushing sounds as he waded through what must have been a pristine coat of white upon the pavement, but was already more charcoal mush than anything. His breath would steam up in puffs despite the thick black scarf wrapped around his neck and chin, and he would remember making the chugging sounds of a steam engine for his then baby brother, letting out a brilliant, ear-shattering ‘woo-woo’, that time Boston had suddenly awoken to knee-deep snow and they’d been taken to the local park to enjoy it. Good times.

Too bad he wouldn’t be able to enjoy any snow that fell any time soon. Considering he didn’t head back until the early hours of the morning, he didn’t even have a hope of seeing the evening sunsets that made it seem as if the city was fully aflame, dyed in hues of yellow and bloodied red, with pinks and purples dancing in the sky behind.

In many ways, Changkyun’s life hadn’t changed, just his surroundings and the people that populated it. Here, once again, he was in a dance studio. Starship favoured bleach-white walls that almost hurt his eyes when they reflected in the floor to ceiling mirrors at the end of a long day; the floors in most rooms were often a peachy shade that mimicked wood. The combination made the building seem airy. It contrasted to the greys, reds and blacks favoured by Special K., but otherwise it was the same.

The scene before him was essentially one that had been acted out in the drama of his daily life countless times in the past year and a half; the only difference was that rather than four familiar faces exchanging sheepish grins as they collapsed at the end of a hard dancing session, there were a good many more boys. He only knew perhaps 5 or 6 of them vaguely by this point.

Deeply breathing, almost gasping for air, a hint of what could become a stitch in his side, Changkyun let himself slide to the floor against the wall in the dance studio, staring at his reflection in the echoing lights of the mirror and ignoring the unpleasant feeling of far too much sweat running down his back. His dark hair was plastered to his head, parted in a way that reminded him of a Japanese rice ball, and his mouth was much too dry, a faded pink of cracking lips.

Around him, fellow trainees were also taking a break from the past few hours of dance practice, many in various states of exhaustion, with some of the newer trainees spread-eagled on the pale floor, eyes closed as their chests heaved. Eyeing them somewhat sympathetically as he recalled he must have looked akin to them when he first started out, the boy can’t help the small flicker of pride in himself: he may not be the _best _dancer, and he may look vaguely like shit right now, but he certainly was improving. That was… _something_.

A boy whose name he didn’t yet know knocked Changkyun out of his reverie. Dressed in a red shirt and knee-length shorts, up until a moment ago he had been rolling from side-to-side like a metronome on the dance floor, mumbling to himself about how much he longed from his mother’s homemade kimchi as his stomach rumbled loudly. Now lying on his stomach, chin propped on his hands, his chestnut eyes were bright as his voice lifted over the sounds of ongoing heavy breathing and groans. “Hey, you guys! Who’s going to be watching the next episode today?”

“You mean No.Mercy, right?” A boy who seemed the most put together of the whole room, albeit with ash-coloured hair sticking up at odd angles after a sweat-covered hand had been run through it, lifted an eyebrow with a cocky grin. “Me, of course. I still reckon I should’ve been on the damn show, but hey – no way in heck am I missing out on at least watching it.” Not wanting to be obvious about it but interested in spite of himself, Changkyun’s lidded eyes flicker to the speaker, folding his arms loosely.

“It’s frickin’ scary, huh?” Piped up a younger trainee, a boy with gentle eyes who couldn’t have been older than 16. He had a hand clutched to his side as he sat up, tugging his green hoodie away from his neck again and again in a hope of cooling down. “Those numbers, man. I don’t think I could handle that.”

“Not if you’re stuck being number 12 from the get go, like Yoosu, no. But imagine if you were like Shownu-hyung!” Eyebrows lifted in awe, a fourth boy dropped back onto the floor, ignoring the pain in his spine and gazing up at the bright lights that from that angle must have been near blinding. “_That_ – would be – _in_-sane!” He punctures the sentence with dramatic pauses as he punches the air.

The younger trainee nibbles his lip, unconvinced. He was small and held the rounded cheeks of a child, eyes seeming overly large in his head. “Hah… well, I can bet I’d be a Yoosu and not a Shownu…” He mumbles the words under his breath with a slumping of his shoulders, only to receive a light tap to the back of his head as the unruffled trainee with wild hair approaches and flicks a finger at him.

“Don’t chat shit when you’re just a kid who’s barely started, Seung Woo. If you’re like that already, what’ll you be like when stuff really gets hard?”

Seung Woo absently rubs the back of his head, cheeks a bit pink in embarrassment at the criticism. “Sorry, Doghyun-hyung. I-” A pause, a deep breath. He nods, his soft features becoming sharper, eyes glinting like the blade of a sword, a trait that all trainees who had even a hint of being successful seemed to share. “…No, you’re right.”

The boy beside him – Changkyun thinks his name is Se-woon – smiles and cocks his head to the side, drumming his elegantly long fingers lightly on the floor. “Kihyun-hyung said the same thing to me just the other day, you know,” he comments conversationally. His hair looked in need of a cut, waving past his eyebrows at the front, but it seemed to add to the sweet charm he exuded. Girls were going to love him. “He caught me playing guitar and wanted me to play the song I’d been working on lately for him, but I got – well – shy, I guess?” He laughs a little, shaking his head in exasperation, a lock of coffee shaded hair falling into his eyes. “I don’t even know why, but I guess after watching that first ep of No.Mercy he suddenly felt really far away from me and I freaked? It’s stupid,” he adds, dropping his gaze to the floor and drumming his fingers again, his other hand picking a hole in his jeans. “I’d played for him before. And man, Kihyun-hyung let me know that! I swear, I’ve never seen him look so sour – ack, and it really hurt when he got mad!”

“What did?” The first trainee who’d started the discussion had wriggled nearer, like a fish flopping about on its belly out of water or a snail recharged by a rainy day, as had a few others. Even Changkyun blinked in confusion to find he had edged perhaps a metre closer, no longer leaning on the relative safety of the wall, but out near the centre. Although he was still very much on the periphery of the group, the lack of support to his back made him feel exposed. His shirt was clinging to his shoulder-blades uncomfortably, and he reaches back to tug it away from his skin where it sticks like a film, trying to ease his own uncertainty at being so close to everyone.

Donghyun smirks, now sitting cross-legged on the floor, “I think I know…” and then winces sympathetically as Se-woon chuckles again good-naturedly.

“_His _finger, _my _forehead, the flick to end all flicks! Anyway, he said I needed to be more confident.”

“I’d heard rumours that there was a king finger flicker in Starship,” comments Seojoon in a hushed tone, a boy with lightly curly hair whom Changkyun had spoken to a good few times already. He had a pointy nose, high cheekbones with a few scattered freckles. His mouth was slightly pouty, he favoured baseball caps and piercings, and had a tendency to try to make others laugh. With the muted tones he was using, head bowed solemnly, he had already earned a few grins from the others. “It seems the legends were true and we have uncovered a true weapon to aid us in our quest.”

“Pff, what quest? Don’t tell me you’ve been sneaking in some gaming after practice again?” Donghyun snorts, wiping the sweat away from his neck.

“Maybe,” he shrugs easily, “but wouldn’t it be cool to be on one? I’d be the best damn mage the world had ever-”

Jaehwan, Seojoon’s close friend, leans over, clearing his throat and delivering a sharp pinch to Seojoon’s side with a dramatic twirl of his hand that seemed appropriate for a sorcerer. “Please, we all know _you’d_ be a thief. You’re looking at the mage of this team right here. Anyways,” he stares pointedly at Seojoon with silvery eyes, daring him to misbehave, “we were talking about No.Mercy, right? How do you guys feel about watching it all together this time? I was stuck with just Seojoon last time, but it’d be cool to watch with a human this time.”  
  
Ignoring Seojoon’s indignant squawk of _‘hey, I’m as human as they come! Unless you’re referring to how amazing my-_’ Donghyun nods quickly, cutting off some of Seojoon’s words, “That sounds like a plan!” He ploughs on, still ignoring Seojoon, _‘-because in that case I agree, I’m a stunning naked monster-’_ “Reckon we could sneak in some snacks and make a real thing out of this?”

“Don’t see why not. We just need to not advertise it to the whole company.”

Seung Woo shifts nervously. His expression is far from unwilling but he's seemingly torn over the idea of possibly breaking rules. “Hyung, do you think we can? I haven’t had anything fizzy in weeks.” The note of longing resonates like a bell in an empty church.

“Sure, just like I said, don’t be obvious about it.” Jaehwan’s calm confidence seems to rub off on the others, and they break into smaller pockets of conversation, discussing when to head to the shops and what food they should be grabbing. They were all pretty limited on funds, but that wasn’t about to stop a group of always hungry young men who probably didn’t eat enough as it was.

By this point Changkyun had begun to tune out, certain he wasn’t yet at the level to be included in this gathering, but he’s proved wrong when the movement of Se-woon’s waving hand catches his eye and he’s thrown a bright smile. His voice is as pleasingly gentle as ever. “Changkyun-hyung, you’ll join us, right?”

Changkyun can’t help but visibly start in surprise - what? - and this catches the attention of some of the other boys who nod enthusiastically.

“Come along, yeah? You’re a rapper, right? I wanna hear your thoughts on Jooheon!” Doghun’s eyes glitter, enthused.

Seojoon, too, is speaking, crawling alarmingly quickly towards Changkyun. “Yeah, c’mon, Changkyun-ah. A thief needs a cool archer to back him up as he steps up to take out the-”

“What he _means_, Changkyun-ah, is that we get along well enough that it should be a given for you to join.” Jaehwan has a shrewd look in his grey-brown eyes as he digs an elbow deeply into Seojoon’s side, halting his aggressive approach. “With the look on your face, I bet you weren’t even considering it, huh?” How could they read him so well already? Changkyun-bites his lip. Jaehwan’s neatly styled golden hair is making him think of Nu’bility.

“Well, what do you say? You’re coming right?” Somehow Donghyun’s expression and the way he intones those questions make it clear he’s not really asking, simply expecting an affirmative.

For a second, Changkyun’s thoughts race – really? Already? He was a part of it? But, he barely knew them; _they_ barely knew him. – before he chides himself and casts those ideas aside. Since coming here, perhaps he’d expected to be shut out, had felt tied enough to Nu’bility to not consider making much effort towards the others, but here he was being shown how foolish he was.

Although but a second had passed, it had felt like an age, what with his brain running haywire, and he nods at last, mouth forming a soft smile that had Se-woon in particular bobbing his head approvingly.

“Changkyun-hyung, you smiled at last! I was wondering when we’d get to see it,” he chirps.

“Well, he’s already smiled for _me_,” Seojoon remarks, cocky, jabbing his thumb at his own chest as if he’d achieved an award. “I tell the best jokes, you know. Reckon we can get a laugh out of you this evening instead? Show these guys you aren’t as serious as you look?” He leans forward conspiratorially, his supposedly discrete whisper seeming more like a shout. “Seriously, I think that _they_ think you’re a grandpa in disguise.”

Seung Woo giggles, a childish tittering. “Not a grandpa... Maybe a grumpy uncle.”

“Hey, I’m not that bad, am I?” At last Changkyun feels the need to defend himself, feeling the heat rising to his ears as they flushed scarlet. He’d had no idea that they’d viewed him that way.

“No, I mean- yes-” Seojoon rubs the back of his head as he tries to make sense of his own words before shrugging and standing, leaning down to tug Jaehwan to his feet and then offering a hand to Changkyun who huffs, pouting ever so slightly, but accepts. “Look at the time! It’s time to get back down to it, huh?”

“Smooooooth.” Jaehwan clucks his tongue in amused disapproval, rolling his eyes as the other trainees stumble to their feet, somewhat refreshed from the break. “Anyway, Changkyun-ah, we usually do stuff like this in our dorm, rather than Donghyun-hyung and the others’. _Somehow_ the staff seems to think wherever Seojoon-ah is, there’ll be trouble, so they tend to drop into their dorm more often.” He smirks when Seojoon sticks his tongue out at him childishly and fiddles with one of the piercings in his ear.

Changkyun can’t help a slight smirk of his own in return, “Huh. I never would’ve guessed it. That’s _quite_ a mystery. Can’t believe they’d think that way,” he drawls in his low voice; Seojoon clutches at his chest, miming a broken heart and stumbles about as if shot hissing out from between his teeth _‘I’ve been betraaaayyyed’_.

“Right? So yeah, just make sure you’re home in good time today.”

“Sure. Got it.” Changkyun nods, feeling lighter; his aching muscles are all but forgotten from the sense of euphoria that was welling up inside of him. He somehow didn’t mind that they had another hour and a half left of practice and that he couldn’t play in the snow or watch the winter skies; he didn’t even mind the slightly salty scent of sweat that filled the room.

“Hey, Changkyun-hyung?” The boys take their positions again, standing a little straighter as one of the choreographers who had scheduled in some time to watch – and critique, _very much_ critique, them – pushed open the studio door and called a greeting. Seung Woo was standing beside him. They all bow as the choreographer stands in front of them, hailing their own greetings in return.

“Mmm?” Changkyun looks to the side; Seung Woo’s expression was cheerful and when he spoke, his voice was dripping in curiosity.

“Who do _you_ think is going to make it onto the team?” 

Changkyun rolls his shoulder – stiff – as the first thick beats of the song start to echo in the room and he hums again.

“I don’t know, yet. But I _really_ wish I had their chance, Seung Woo-ah.” He thinks back to how close debut had seemed and feels a hunger claw at his insides as he sighs. “They’re so… lucky.”

♫♪♪♫♫♪

It was about 1 in the morning by the time the entire gaggle of teenagers and twenty-somethings, so bone-weary and lacking in sleep they were all riding on a high, had gathered in the bedroom shared by 2 of Changkyun’s dorm mates. The room also served as a general living and gathering area. Considering they regularly worked until 2 or 3 in the morning on their various choreographies, vocal exercises, song and rap writing, dabbling in producing, alongside finding time to review the latest lessons of the language they had chosen to study (for most of the boys, this was English), let it be said they considered this a fairly early night. As usual they’d be up at 7 in the morning, with the youngsters heading off to school before practice, whilst the rest would head right back to the agency and start the whole process again. But that felt an age away. They’d be fine!

The room the 12 were in was not especially large, but the looming clutter that edged its way around the walls made it feel even smaller. Add to that, 12 near or fully grown young men, perching on the beds, the two or three chairs dragged in from the tiny attached kitchen, or else sprawled on the floor, and the space seemed closer to that inside a matchbox as opposed to a room intended to be lived in.

A 3 or 4 year old TV was perched haphazardly on a pile of books and magazines that had nowhere else to go, and all about them a general sense of disaster seemed to hit anyone over the age of perhaps 30 who might be unlucky enough to peer into the room. Washing hanging out to dry, an abandoned sock that had been slowly crawling across the floor the past couple of days as it had been unwittingly kicked, a few empty cups of ramyeon peeking by the door leading off to the kitchen... A plush panda toy that had fallen off the bed seemed to reach its arm out in despair at the surrounding chaos, longing to be saved, but its calls were unheeded as an elbow descended on its fluffy black and white back, a teenager utilising it as an armrest.

Whereas their staff might look into the room and shake their heads in dismay at the conditions, the owners of said chaos would look back at you with perfectly straight faces if asked about the state and explain that this was, in fact, a good day. Afterall, there was nothing going off waiting to be discovered in the corner of the room, there were no overly pungent smells, and they had, actually, even managed to get some time to vacuum the place about 2 and a half weeks ago. By their estimations, it looked pretty damn stunning right now.

All in all, perhaps with so many young men and boys living together, they had grown accustomed to the mess and the decided odour of youth that permeated the atmosphere. Indeed, Changkyun would say that his old dorm hadn’t looked much better at all. Which was why he navigated closer to the TV, slotting the HDMI cable hanging there into the corresponding input slot on their shared laptop, without much concern. The image of the laptop’s screen flickered for a moment on the TV before taking on a sharp, clear picture. Opening a browser with a few sure clicks, he navigated to the Mnet site, smoothly ducking as a packet of seaweed snacks went flying just over his head from one pair of hands to another.

The divvying out of snacks was in full swing, a chaos of calling voices and rustling packets, the three carrier bags stationed at various points in the room being raided, and from the kitchen, the kettle was hissing for the third time over the chatter, steam gusting out in small puffs into the living room as cup noodles and ramyeon were being handed out.

“Just regular spicy for me, please,” requests Donghyun, leaning on Changkyun’s shoulder to tap a hundred times at the refresh button as the site took too long for his liking to load. “Man, and the wi-fi in your place is better than ours, but lookin’ at it right now I can’t really believe that. Ah, thanks” he adds as he’s handed a steaming cup of ramyeon, the spicy, chilly-laced scent rising up to tickle Changkyun’s nose as he sat beside him.

“Changkyun-ah, we’ve only got extra spicy left – is that cool?” Seojoon raises an eyebrow at him apologetically, but joins in the playful ‘ooooh!’ that rises from the surrounding boys as Changkyun shrugs and holds out his hand, flicking some hair from his eyes with a flourish that wouldn’t have been out of place on a catwalk.

“Sure. I’d say it’s hot rather than cool, but no worries. I can handle it.” He wasn’t _actually_ sure if he could, but the impressed sounds he received and Donghyun’s amused snort is enough to ensure he actually tries. He’d make sure to hide the tears that were liable to fall. Already the scent that was lifting from the steaming cup was making his eyes water.

Episode 2 of No.Mercy was now reflected on both the laptop and the screen ahead of him, and he rises to wind his way back to the beds opposite, climbing the ladder and joining Jaehwan and Seojoon in the top bunk, their legs dangling over the edge. Jaehwan smirks at him, waving a bottle of water in front of his face with a quirk of his chin, and Changkyun sighs but nods, readily admitting he’d likely be snatching that from his hands but a few minutes later. He snuggles under the quilt being thrown over their legs and begins to pick at his food, hiding his nerves behind an impassive mask.

“Hyungs, are you all set?” Seung Woo had been put in charge of the laptop, a finger hovering over the play button as the video continued to steadily load more and more of the episode as it waited. Being the youngest, he was often honoured with this sort of job. Changkyun suspected the poor kid would often be more active than he initially anticipated – a few of the boys in this room seemed like the type to yell ‘stop! We gotta discuss that!’ every few minutes when something insignificant happened, let alone anything big. Upon receiving a chorus of ‘all good’, ‘let’s get going’ and a muffled yell of ‘this is the best – night – ever – let’s watch them _ssuuuuffer_!’ from a shadowed figure with cheeks swollen from too many crammed snacks, Seung Woo hits play and flops over, leaning back on Se-woon’s crossed legs.

The last episode had ended with the initial performances for the first debut mission; Shownu had given a stable performance of All of Me, his smooth voice seemingly made to perform pop and ballads, alongside an impressive dance performance to Add Me In which had left the judges smiling and the trainees back stage applauding, certain he’d maintain first position. The feedback had been positive, the judges mainly giving compliments with the suggestion that he should have danced and sang to the first song at the same time. Still, he’d clearly done well and Changkyun had been impressed.

He’d been followed by Jooheon’s powerful rapping; Changkyun remembered that before the performance was shown, number 8, Kihyun, had said that he felt Jooheon could easily be number 1, and number 4, Wonho, had complimented the strength of the rap he’d put together, adding that he wondered how he could ever beat a guy like that.

Watching the episode alone, headphones over his ears as he lay in bed, Changkyun had found himself swept away by the performance; he hadn’t at all missed the play on sounds when Jooheon rapped ‘Mother Father’, finding the boldness of a trainee coming close to swearing on TV so easily to be striking, and by the end he was quivering ever so slightly. With fear? No way. Not at all. Changkyun had bitten his lip hard and sighed, tossing his head to look up at the shadowed ceiling with a sense of frustrated exhilaration. Whilst his own rap-style was arguably different, he desperately wanted to challenge this Jooheon guy; it filled him with unanswerable anticipation, the thought of competing with a guy that was being lauded as a genius. Man, life was just so unfair sometimes. He had turned back to the screen just as Jooheon bowed politely, a stark contrast to his powerful performance that the judges were calling professional, and stifled a laugh as Jooheon then announced to the cameras back stage that he was on his way to the toilet, having guzzled a good many bottles of water before the performance from nerves. The rapper’s soft features had been smoothed further with a sheen of sweat from performing, and as much as he probably seemed aggressive to many viewers, to Changkyun he looked like a melting snowman. It was cute.

Now, sitting in a room of buzzing people, Changkyun still found himself wistful at the need to challenge that talent, but swallows the feeling along with a burning twist of ramyeon. His shoulders tense as he stifles a cough, throat absolutely on fire and eyes wide, staring in horror at the screen ahead of him without seeing. This… well, it exceeded even his wildest expectations. People who ate this ramyeon regularly had to have mouths of absolute steel and perhaps their digestive systems should be studied for the good of scientific advancement. Accepting the water being nudged at him and chugging it, he pointedly ignores the smirks being thrown at him from the boys to his left and instead watches number 9, Hyungwon standing on the stage.

If it hadn’t been plain as a nose on a face already, the show seemed desperate to remind them all of how handsome Hyunwon was, the music fluttering dreamily and the judge, Hyolyn’s smile lighting up as the rest of the judging panel, all men, threw comments about her taste and style. Hyungwon looked like the model he clearly was, a sleek hair cut, doe eyes and wonderfully thick lips that were attached to a gorgeously tall frame. He was all long limbs and gentle slopes. Perhaps he could gain weight, but he was nevertheless eye-catching. The room’s audience were throwing their own comments as Hyolyn swooned, a mix of amusement, slight jealousy and exasperation as they laughed in turn.

By this point, the show was discussing the three visual trainees, Wonho and Minhyuk being ranked alongside Hyungwon by the other competitors in the competition.

“How can a guy look like that?”

“Did you know Hyungwon looks that good even when he wakes up?”

“No way? That’s fucking amazing. He looks like a doll twenty-four-seven?”

“My sister would kill for Minhyuk-hyung… No, really, I saw her the other day and she’s already saving up to buy posters and CDs for when hyung debuts. Should I be worried?”

“Ahh… Wonho-hyung looks like an angel. Man, what I wouldn’t give to look like that even an hour of a day!”

“Careful, you sound like you’re going to steal his face next time you run into him at the company.”

“Who says that’s not the plan? You ever seen that American film, Face Off? They swap a detective’s face with a criminal’s.”

“What kind of sick shit do you watch? You know I hate horrors.”

“It’s not a-”

“Are looks the only thing that matters? Why’re they focusing on that so much. The dudes haven’t even sung yet, and they’re all pretty good, you know. Wonho-hyung sounds like a rock star.”

“He’s so tall… I’m jealous. Minhyuk-hyung, too.”

“I saw him yesterday and it really hit me. He makes me feel like a dwarf.”

“You _are_ a dwarf, get used to it.”

“Hey, no, I can still grow! Shut up!”

A voice effortlessly rises above the din. “I don’t think you really know any of the guys in the show, huh, Changkyun-ah?” From below, Donghyun looks up at him, stretching out his legs as he leans back on his hands, chewing on a puff of popcorn. “As much as the show’s trying to make them look like just pretty faces, they genuinely are good singers, y’know?”

Tearing his eyes away from Wonho showing off his exercise regime – how was it fair to have a face like that and an amazing body, too? - and mulling over all the compliments the competing trainees had been giving each other – were there genuinely that nice, or was it all for the show? – he shrugs at Donghyun with a huffed laugh. “Ah, hyung, I don’t know anything about singing, but I’ll take your word for it.”

“Just watch!” Donghyun presses, insistent. “I mean, I’m probably better, but they’re definitely not bad.” Tossing his head back with a laugh that wouldn’t seem out of place in an anime, he returns his attention to the TV.

Changkyun glances at Jaehwan who shrugs and rolls his eyes in a manner that seems to say _‘don’t mind him, he just loves himself too much.’ _

Really, he wasn’t joking when he said he didn’t really know much about singing. The program continues on, the screen casting a hazy glow in the faintly lit room, lighting up the upturned faces. Each of the three pretty boys were performing one after the other. He’d quite liked all three of the visual line’s performances, but as the feedback varied for each one, with comments on pitch and voice cracking, alongside Wonho’s disastrous attempt at an ab reveal being highlighted – there’d been a lot of sympathetic cringing and giggling in the room at _that_ \- he nevertheless found his eyebrows knitting together in understanding as he thought back and compared them to Shownu’s performance. Still, as amazing as he’d been, even Shownu hadn’t really blown him away. He had to wonder if anyone in the show really would. Jooheon had, in a way, but that was for rap, and somehow it had just made Changkyun hungry for a fight. Didn’t Starship boast about how good its vocalists were?

“Oh! It’s Kihyun-hyung at last!” Se-woon, who’d been gentle and placid throughout the whole show thus far was now sitting up and waving his arms about adorably in excitement, eyes sparkling. His voice lilts in obvious glee. “I really love hyung’s voice.”

“He’s going to slaughter them.” Another voice comments in agreement, clearly having heard Kihyun sing before. Others seemed uncertain and raise their eyebrows, some pawing through packets of sweets, packets crackling loudly like a winter bonfire, with unconvinced expressions.

Unsure, Changkyun consults Jaehwan and Seojoon; Jeahwan was leaning against the wall now, and Seojoon kicked his legs lightly in anticipation as he stared at the screen, excited. “Is this guy really so good? I mean, he got number 8, right…?” He tries to keep the doubt soft in his tone, unsure how close the two were to Number 8.

“Just wait!” Seojoon’s grin is dazzling, each tooth on display, and Jaehwan offers a confident nod, lacing his fingers together in his lap, sinking lower into the sheets.

“Kihyun-hyung really _is_ pretty good, yeah.”

“Hmmm…” Humming, Changkyun rests his chin on his hands, having just passed down his now defeated ramyeon cup, cheeks almost ruby and mouth raw, sore. His lips are far too red and he half wonders if he’ll ever taste anything properly after this night. Had he signed away his taste buds for the sake of peer approval? Yes. Yes he had.

_‘Hello, this is Starship’s vocalist, Kihyun.’_ Kihyun was dressed in a far from eye-catching way, his blazer a modest shade of pattered greys, trousers black, finished off with a crisp white shirt. He had dark hair that was styled quite closely to his head, fringe curving into his eyebrows, and his face wasn’t as noteworthy as the visual line’s had been. Changkyun admits that his voice was velvety and pleasant as he introduced himself, and the following comments from the judges prior to the performance were positively glowing so he allows himself to anticipate it, just a bit._ ‘Mm, he’s good’ – ‘You’d think he’s a pro’._

Throughout the scenes of Kihyun’s practices, the obvious embarrassment he felt in placing so lowly and the comments of how hardworking he was from the vocal coach, Changkyun found himself more certain than before. The guy was good. His voice wasn’t just pleasant, it was wonderful. He was a smart person who had reviewed himself carefully and planned to show off his skill in demonstrating emotions in a song to appeal to the judges. Really, he was the sort of guy Changkyun could find himself readily respecting. 

However.

When at last the performance of Hyeya began, Changkyun had to revaluate every thought that he’d had, every comment that had been offered by the other trainees and judges.

Why? Because he was so completely astounded he couldn’t close his gaping mouth. Even after the performance ended, he found himself dazed for the rest of the program, a buzzing hum echoing in his head, a numb feeling in his fingers and toes, heart pumping violently and cheeks pink. It almost felt like falling in love at first sight…. With Kihyun? That’d be hard to say – he didn’t know him, and for Changkyun knowing someone, falling in love with who they were was completely vital – but he certainly was in love with his voice. It was like a glass of water soothing a throat filled with sandpaper and glass shards after days without it. Life giving, fresh. He could well imagine getting addicted to the feeling.

That _voice_…

He was grateful for the ridiculous spicy burn of the ramyeon by this point, because when Kihyun had first started singing, in a soft, whispering, quavering sort of voice, which slowly grew as the emotions began to gush, everything in the room faded away and it was just Changkyun and the screen. His being was so seized and held captive, he wouldn’t even have had any answers for his enraptured expression, for the heat spreading through him. He was so caught up, he didn’t realise that there had been no need to fear, for the entire room had fallen silent by the time Kihyun’s voice had risen to an emotional, powerful crescendo. It sent shivers down spines and caused goosebumps to rise on skin. On the screen the flickers to the judges showed them similarly effected, Hyolyn catching her breath, K.Will every now and then mouthing along, shaking his head in mild awe. _‘I’m begging you like this.’_

_‘I don’t want to live, what should I do?_’ Longing, hopelessness, desperation and frustration... each and every thought and emotion was portrayed expertly by Kihyun, from the adept control of his voice and volume, to the way his hands seemed to reach out for nothing, and the way he collapsed to his knees near the end, voice fading with the final few lines. _‘Hyeya, please don’t go.’_

Even after the song ended and the judges were clapping, silence lingered in the room before someone whistled in amazement and another person let out a breathless laugh. “Fuck, I got goosebumps from a guy’s song. Insane. _He’s_ a trainee like us?”

“You weren’t kidding, Se-woon-ah, your hyung’s voice is amazing.”

“Right? I knew he’d rock it!” Se-woon puffs himself up proudly as if he was talking about an actual sibling whose success was also his own. Adorable.

“How’d they put a guy like that in 8th place? Even if he didn’t ace the monthly evaluations, every single one of them knew how good he was. Why even play a game?”

“But that’s exactly it,” comments Jaehwan wisely from beside Changkyun, lifting his chin in amusement. “It’s a show, right? So they want the audience to be swept away by moments like this. They knew exactly what they were doing. Heck, even those of us that know how good Kihyun-hyung is probably lowered our expectations, and then-”

“-bam! He knocks it out of the park like an ace!” interrupts Seojoon with an expression of awe, fist slamming into his outstretched palm with a loud smack. It was as if a baseball had hit. “I’ve gotta remember to say something nice next time I see hyung. Gotta stop teasing him about his lisp for at least a day. He earned it.” That earns a few sniggers.

As the boys begin to watch the show again, Changkyun finds his name being called. “How was it, Changkyun-ah?” Donghyun grins up at him, and Changkyun has to take a deep breath to compose himself, glad that his face couldn’t fully be seen under the circumstances.

“Yeah…” He clears his throat, cringing slightly in embarrassment at how affected he sounded. It was best to keep it short. “Yeah, he’s… pretty good.”

“You sound breathless! Nice!” Donghyun chortles but otherwise leaves it at that and turns his face back to the screen.

Changkyun receives a nudge in the ribs from a smirking Jaehwan, but otherwise he’s then left to his thoughts. Thankfully no other major questions are thrown his way to abuse his stunned brain, and he’s left to watch the program in a daze, only breaking it to frown slightly in sympathy at #Gun’s story. Another talented guy he wanted to fight against…

About an hour later, Changkyun was tucked up in bed, dozing the moment his head hit his pillow. A trainee’s life was hellish, and many said it wouldn’t be much better even after debut.

Debut…

Once again he’s filled with a sense of jealousy. How nice it must be to compete against such talented people, even if the whole process of No.Mercy must be stressful… it was so unfair.

He sighs, thoughts begin to fade, the buzz to dim as the sweet embrace of sleep began to wrap her arms about him, drawing him close. He wanted to compete against talented men like Jooheon and #Gun with his rap. He wanted to marvel at Shownu and Hyungwon’s dance skills and use that to inspire himself. He wanted to be thrown under the mercy of Kihyun’s vocal prowess and just let himself melt into that voice. Perhaps he was idolising them somewhat, but it was definitely out of the buzz of competition, rather than defeat. Really, if he ever had the chance to compete against the team that would be formed from No.Mercy, he’d snatch at it desperately. Hell… if he had the chance to compete _right now_, he’d be there before you could even blink. No time for thoughts and deliberation, just passion, the thrill of competition and the desperation of a debut.

He finally slipped into dreams of powerful raps, heavy beats, and a voice that made his knees weak as it sang words of hopeless want, his own loss of a chance at debut pining like a starving wolf at the back of his mind.

Yeah, those guys were so lucky.

If only he could be lucky, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought you were done with reading? Well, if you want to know what the hey is happening in my head, then think again! Pick up those abandoned reading glasses and leeeettt's gooo!  
\----  
We know from Changkyun himself that he watched all of the No.Mercy episodes that had aired prior to joining the show himself. 
> 
> Having officially left Nu'bility at the start of July, I can hazard a guess that he would have been part of Starship by perhaps October or November 2014 at the very ~latest~. I don't really know how easy it is to switch agencies or whether he might have spent some time at home before getting back into things, or... whatever, really. So yeah, let's assume he's been there for a couple of months at least.
> 
> Clearly being an initially withdrawn sort to those he doesn't know well (he's excellent at portraying sassy confidence these days, especially on stage and in English-language interviews! Good job, Changkyunnie!), I can imagine friendships wouldn't have been instantaneous for him, but by the airing of the show from December on, I've hoped that he would have been close enough to spend time with the other trainees in the company. 
> 
> You'll notice that at first no trainees are named, but later, as we begin to notice their personalities and Changkyun finds himself being drawn in to the topic, the most important ones are no longer nameless (I'm so generous to allow them names - haaaa...). (Hopefully someone picked up on the reference to Kihyun's naked monster story (Weekly Idol) about Changkyun's nighttime gaming habits when one of the trainees was squawking in indignation! I couldn't resist - it felt right!).
> 
> Anyway! We get a massive gathering of exhausted young men munching on everything in sight and laughing at their hyungs' suffering - always good! - and young Changkyun begins to feel a gnawing hunger to debut and compete as he unknowingly watches the people who will one day be his members.
> 
> As for Changkyun's reaction to Kihyun... That's partially due to my own reaction to his performance. Every time I hear Kihyun's Hyeya I get shivers, and that first time was insane - how can someone be so good?! - and clearly all the watching competitors and judges also felt the same. It doesn't seem a stretch to have Changkyun feeling the same way. It's also partially due to the way he acted around Kihyun, particularly just after debut. Often you will spot Changkyun standing or hovering by Kihyun's side during this time, and he seems to treat his hyung with an almost awed respect. Whilst it's true that Kihyun seems to have taken him under his wing a lot, tugging him to the front during VLives, and trying to ask questions that would let us focus on Changkyun, I feel that part of the reason Changkyun named Kihyun, Jooheon and Shownu as his favourite members in the past is at least somewhat down to their skills and not just their amazing personalities. 
> 
> So... yup! Enjoy a fictional, fanboying Changkyun! 
> 
> Things will quickly get fluffy despite the awkwardness Changkyun faces when he joins No.Mercy, just because I couldn't resist. Look forward to it!
> 
> Thank you for reading this rant <3 All the best!


	3. Track 2: Shocking Twists; the 3rd Debut Mission isn’t Over Yet!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now content at Starship, Changkyun pushes the hunger he feels each time he watches No.Mercy to one side. However, receiving an unexpected call in January, he soon finds himself standing before a sea of cameras in a restaurant filled with extremely familiar faces... 
> 
> A decision had to be made, and the consequences of it will be a heavy weight on his shoulders in the weeks to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a massive amount to say about this one. We're just setting up Changkyun's entry into the war - uh, I mean, show - and seeing how everyone reacts to it. A huge chunk of the dialogue in the restaurant scene comes from No.Mercy itself, though I've added a few extra pieces here and there (I'll indicate where at the end!). 
> 
> We're also going to start seeing things from Kihyun's side, now that we finally have him in our sights! 
> 
> Have a reeeeady-read, and I'll catch you at the end!

Perhaps Changkyun shouldn’t have wished for luck. Then again, perhaps he’d made the right choice in wishing so much.

Over the next few weeks, Changkyun sees through December and welcomes in the new year. His birthday was on the horizon, too – he was turning 19 and had to wonder if that made him old. 

Snow had been threatening them on and off even after the first fall, making sporadic appearances in the chilled Seoul streets where the citizens had become bulky ducklings waddling about, layered in thick jumpers, coats, heavy boots and fluffy scarves. Even in their dance studio, where often the heat of their dancing would be overwhelming, they often find their sweat chilling their bodies whenever they have a breather. It really was freezing.

Naturally, the common cold makes a smug appearance, striking down trainees and staff without discrimination, and Changkyun doesn’t escape a bad case of sniffles, headaches and a cough that makes his deep voice husky and, in Seojoon’s words, apparently dreamy enough to let him upgrade from an archer to a ranger in his fictional fantasy game they were all a part of. _‘Rangers have to have **cool** voices, Changkyun-ah, and right now you sound as if y’could summon Hades for a chat over gimbap. I love it.’_

All-in-all, Changkyun is much happier than he’d expected to be at this point back in July. He regularly keeps in touch with his old members, having braved a December meet up that had left him a giggling mess the same evening. They’d managed to hit up a noraebang and their joint singing of Bohemian Rhapsody with purposefully bad pronunciation and breaking notes had left them all breathless from giggles, tears running down their cheeks. Perhaps just as importantly, he had also become close enough to the other trainees that he found himself laughing or smiling more often than not with them, too. No longer was he considered the grumpy uncle of the group.

He was feeling confident: his lyrics were flowing whenever he put pen to paper, and he’d even received a few compliments from staff when they’d heard him perform. _‘Pretty exceptional,’_ a man with a heavy set jaw and a severe hair cut had mumbled to a poised lady beside him. She had peered at Changkyun over her glasses with an overly bright smile, twirling the strands of hair escaping her ponytail in time with the beat of the song. _‘Indeed. His voice is unique, too, low enough to give any song a different edge to it.’ _The man had inclined his head, clapping as Changkyun’s performance in the practice room had come to an end, addressing the boy directly, “Yes, I think you were a really good find for us, Im Changkyun-sshi. Keep working hard.” Changkyun had bowed at once, the tips of his ears warm, and then straightened up with a “Thank you! Of course!”

Things were going well.

No,Mercy was still in full flow and he’d watched the past 3 episodes with the other trainees. He’d even seen some of the contestants in the agency a number of times, albeit from a distance, and he was always struck with that desperate need to compete, even if he sometimes felt a bit starstruck; he supposed watching people on TV did that to you. As expected, the contestants seemed to have little time for interactions with others in the agency thanks to the show. Nevertheless, Changkyun had seen Hyungwon covering his face shyly as one of the trainees had complimented how amazing he’d looked on the show, and Minhyuk had giggled, rubbing the back of his neck and saying “Oh stop it!” when the boy with the obsessive sister had slid over to give him a warning about her growing love: “No, I’m serious, hyung! It’s getting out of hand. Mum’s said she’s skipping meals during work and has some kind of shrine of your face.” He’d even seen Wonho and Shownu cutting time from their own practice to help Donghyun nail a complicated move that involved hip rolls and knee twists, and one evening he’d heard Se-woon’s guitar playing a tropical sounding piece through a door left ajar, crooning the melody to a song in golden tones. A velvety voice had commented “raise the pitch, Se-woon-ah – _yes,_ better. You’re really improving, huh?” before harmonising with the last few notes of Se-woon’s song deliciously.

None of the contestants knew who Changkyun was, but he managed to muffle the hungry creature growling inside of him, finding contentment in the chilly January days.

Things did, however, begin to change one fateful afternoon when he received a phone call from someone quite unexpected. Actually, ‘quite’ was far too weak a word. Changkyun could _never_ have imagined this person calling him – he’d only ever seen the man once on the other side of a room! Trainees had limited access to their phones, so at times they borrowed company ones, as of course everything could be tracked on them. It had happened when he’d been borrowing just one such phone, a rather dull looking smartphone with a black case and the number ‘22’ stuck to its back; when ‘Starship 17’ had flashed on the screen, a bemused Changkyun had chosen to answer.

He’d then found out.

K.Will. one of the judges of No.Mercy, and a talented idol in his own right, was calling him.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

It had been a regular day of training, playful teasing and aching muscles, and Changkyun had been shut up in one of the company’s recording studios, penning lyrics when the call had come. By his side, Seojoon had been similarly absorbed, tongue caught between his teeth and peeking out between his lips, a painted dash of apple amidst pink, as he frowned in concentration, pen tapping. The sudden, violent vibration on the table of the phone going off at the incoming call had caused both of them to jump in their seats.

Blinking in confusion for a split second, Seojoon pushed the phone closer to Changkyun with an accusatory expression, as if he controlled when people phoned him.

“I think I just lost a third of my HP. That freaked me out…”

“I don’t know how you’d survive in a game world with that kind of bravery. Anyway, cool the game refs for just a sec, yeah?” Smirking, Changkyun picked up the phone and swiped the green answer button to the right, wondering what the company wanted from him. Phone calls were rare, although not unheard of – often a staff member would just come and find a trainee directly, as, of course, on the whole they all spent more time inside the company buildings than out. It was downright unhealthy, actually.

He puts the phone to his ear and clears his throat, twirling his pen lazily between his fingers, eyes fixed on his lyrircs – something about that second line was bothering him. “Hello?”

A voice that seemed extremely familiar, yet not one he could place as belonging to anyone he had met, answered. “Ah, is this Im Changkyun-sshi?”

Changkyun hesitates, thinking hard. _Who_ was that? “Yeah, that’s me. Um, who is this?”

“Oh, good. Well, Changkyun-sshi, this is K.Will.” A pause, and when the next words were spoken it seemed to be through a smile, “You probably know who I am, even if we haven’t yet met, we are at the same company, after all. And I have heard that most of the trainees are also watching No.Mercy, too.”

Pen and fingers still, Changkyun straightens up in his chair so suddenly, with such a ferocious jerk of his body, that he causes Seojoon to grab at his own chest with a gasp of shock and a reproachful stare. It melts into an expression of surprise, mouth slack and eyes wide, the moment Changkyun’s dry mouth asks “K.Will? But… but why would you be calling me?” Even in his shock Changkyun wonders numbly if that’s too rude and manages to stutter a clarifying sentence. “I-I mean not that I mind, of course, but you said it yourself – you don’t know me?”

“Ah, well, I think it’s time we changed that, don’t you?” comes the smooth, chocolatey reply. K.Will does have a good voice, and he seems to be a master at using it to manipulate, because he pitches a warm, praising tone in his following words, “I’ve heard some good things about you as a rapper, you know. Your name keeps coming up as someone to watch out for!”

It did? Changkyun’s eyes shoot to Seojoon’s, finding a puzzled expression that must surely be echoing his own. It’s true that he’d received some compliments, but… That didn’t seem like much? Completely lost and baffled, he nevertheless accepts the compliment with visible humility. “Oh, well, thank you. I don’t know if I’m all that good, but it’s really an amazing thing that the staff were serious enough about it for you to find out.”

“Indeed. Well, Changkyun-sshi, I was hoping we could meet up to have dinner this evening.” Changkyun’s eyebrows shoot up so high they vanish into his fringe of dark hair, and his grip on his pen is suddenly far too tight. The plastic whines unhappily. “I may not be a rapper, but I’m sure it would be a good thing to discuss your future together. I’ve got a good amount of experience after all.”

“D-dinner?” Changkyun stutters again. He often fumbled over words when he was completely wrong-footed, and of course right now he wasn’t even sure if he knew what year it was, he was so surprised. He looks around to Seojoon once again, hoping the other boy could ground his neves, and although he looks slightly pale and astounded, he nods encouragingly, slapping Changkyun’s thigh hard with one hand, and giving him a thumbs up with the other. “Uh, yeah.” Another, more vigorous thumbs up. “I mean, sure? I’d be really grateful to learn from you, hyung.”

He must have given the right answer, because K.Will sounds delighted and he manages to catch the sound of someone clapping slightly as he laughs into the phone. “Great! I’ll get a staff member to bring you over this evening. I think this will be a valuable experience for you, wherever this is headed.” K.Will must be in a rush, because it sounded as a hundred people were now moving in the room he was in, and he heard the sound of fabric rustling, as if someone was helping the man into a jacket or coat. “Anyway, see you later, Changkyun-sshi. We have much to discuss.”

Bidding the man a polite farewell, automatically bowing his head slightly although there was nobody to receive the show of respect, he mulls over that one strange-sounding sentence. A valuable experience? Wherever this is… headed? Weird. It was cryptic somehow, and Changkyun wasn’t sure why it gave him a thrill of dread as if something bad was going to happen.

Hands are slapped on his thighs again and a heavy weight makes him wince and look up into pair of fascinated eyes as Seojoon leans over and onto him. “Why on earth is K.Will inviting you to dinner, Changkyun-ah?” Seojoon’s question is a whisper of amazement.

Changkyun can only shrug and repeat what he’d been told, “He said he wanted to talk about my future? Said it’d be a… valuable experience?” A shake of his head and he chews at the inside of his mouth with a frown. “It’s kinda weird, huh?”

Seojoon laughs and falls back into his own chair with a low whistle. “Weird? Heck yeah. But more than that, it’s amazing! You lucky bastard! I’m so fucking jealous!” Already he’s grinning, and if he truly is jealous, not an ounce of it is shown on his face. “We’ve been training for about the same amount of time, right? If you’re getting noticed now, maybe it’ll be me next! Guess it was easier for them to see how cool you are because you’re so new here.”

Changkyun smiles, feeling a flutter of gratefulness at the encouragement. “You bet it’ll be you next. And thanks… I don’t really feel so cool right now, but...”

“Don’t panic. It’ll be fine.” Seojoon rolls his eyes, catching the station where Changkyun’s train of thought was planning on stopping to allow worry, panic and distrust to board. He was still smiling and evidently trying to make light of the situation. “Nothing embarrassing will happen.” A pause. “Oh, unless you turn up and MadClown is there, too. Bet you’re going to wet your pants if you see him. You keep going on about how much you respect the dude.”

“Shit, don’t joke about that.” The bottom of his stomach seems to fall away at the thought, but he manages to keep his expression positive.

A laugh, bright, reassuring. It lights a flame of courage in Changkyun’s chest and stops his nails from digging into his palm from nerves, leaving a peppering of red half moons on his skin as he pulls them back. When Seojoon kicks his legs up on to the table and leans his chair back, he feels as if that relaxation is being transferred into his own being.

“Changkyun-ah, everyone’s going to want to know _everything_ when I tell them.” Seojoon comments, waving a finger in the air as he rocks his chair back and forth in the half-light of the studio, leaving Changkyun wondering how long it would be before he fell off of it. Perhaps, 2 minutes? “And that’s all well and good, _but_! Seeing as I was here with you when this all started, I expect you to tell me everything about everything first. I even want to know if K.Will has a pimple on his face, how many toilet breaks he takes, or how much soy sauce he uses for his meal, okay?” He waves that finger about demandingly, “I mean it! _Everything_, Changkyun-ah!”

Although Changkyun pulls a face at the mention of pimples and toilets – was nothing TMI for Seojoon? - he hums in agreement and cocks his head to the side in amusement. “Sure. Gotcha Seojoon-ah. You’ll hear every sordid detail first.”

“I’m glad we’re in agreement! Our oath is sworn!”

Satisfied, triumphant almost, Seojoon’s gives an extra hard rock to his chair and with a small squeal of surprise ends up in a heap on the floor of the studio as his chair tips over.

Changkyun winces as the boy scrabbles about, goblin-like and indignant, and tries desperately hard not to laugh.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

Cameras everywhere.

Perhaps 12. Each manned by a sharp-eyed cameraman. About the arrangement, another 20 or so people were milling, some armed with makeup, others with piles of paper, others folding their arms and watching what was happening beyond the cameras carefully. All of this was well and good, but. Well, let’s be plain. It was the last thing that Changkyun had expected to see upon arrival at the restaurant where he was to meet K.Will. It was true that he didn’t get out as often as other guys his age, but he was fairly certain that seas of cameras filming you eating was not the new trend. No, he had a bad feeling about all of this.

Hovering in the doorway, quite some distance from the sea of cameras, islands of empty tables and chairs forming icebergs along the way, he looks with horror to the staff member who had brought him here. His usually stoic, serious expression that made him look beyond his years had fallen away and he looked every bit the terrified 18 – nearly 19 – year old he was. His lips parted in a silent question. To add more fuel to his fire of fear, Choi was refusing to meet his eye even as he kept a firm grip on his shoulder. Changkyun had the distinct impression he’d been brought as a sacrifice to some sort of displeased god, but he couldn’t remember having done anything to deserve this.

Even without knowing who all the cameras were trained on, the table being positioned out of sight around the corner, Changkyun was certain that this had to be for No Mercy. Likely they were filming parts of episode 6, which was yet to be released, or maybe 7? That all made sense. What _didn’t_ make sense was why he, Im Changkyun, an as of yet no name trainee, was here.

K.Will must have been sat at that table, perhaps with the other judges, like MadClown or Hyolyn, or maybe even the competing trainees were there, which was why Changkyun hadn’t yet seen him; what did he want?

Clearly the line about this being about Changkyun’s future hadn’t been entirely truthful, and if he’d felt less cold from fear, he may well have spent time dissecting what he remembered of their conversation to get to the truth. As it was, he couldn’t, didn’t. Instead he tries to swallow to keep from his mouth drying out, desperately pushing the thought that he was going to be some sort of example of what _not_ to do for the trainees in the show. What were they planning to make him do? Rap in front of them? Act as a fan? …They weren’t going to make him dance, were they? Surely he wasn’t obliged to any of that?

His self-confidence damaging thoughts are put on hold when he hears K.Will’s voice carrying towards him and he looks up to see the man himself approaching. The area K.Will leaves behind seems to be awkwardly silent, and he can only now and then catch dark mumbles and murmurs as K.Will’s steps draw him closer. When the man at last stands in front of him dressed in black, his dark, honeyed brown hair poking out from beneath a lighter brown beanie crammed over his head, beaming reassuringly, Changkyun draws a shuddering breath, feeling small.

“Changkyun-sshi, good to see you!” Bright, too bright. _What did he want?_

Changkyun manages to nod, feeling ever so detached from his body. “Hyung… what….?”

“Ah.” K.Will glances over his shoulder with a casual wave at the cameras before looking back, holding the confidence that only a seasoned entertainer could possess. Thankfully only one camera seemed to have turned to follow, and even then Changkyun got the feeling they hadn’t zoomed in. Thank god for that. He didn’t need his fearful expression to be plastered all over the internet and made into a meme. “The cameras? Don’t worry about them too much. They’ll only really matter depending on what you say next.”

_What does that mean?_ Changkyun nods as if he understands. He doesn’t. Numb.

“So, Changkyun-ah.” Changkyun doesn’t miss the sudden endearment, the warmth spreading into K.Will’s voice, the preparation to persuade him. If he had been in another situation with anyone else, his eyes would have been narrowing in distrust. “What I said on the phone isn’t exactly wrong. Instead, there’s more to it.” He pauses, analysing Changkyun’s blank expression, but takes it as reason to continue. “I have heard some great things about your rapping skills. Apparently you’re very good. Good enough, in fact to be considered for No Mercy.”

Changkyun’s mind feels like it’s imploding on itself. He swallows painfully, staring.

“You see, we’ve been reviewing the balance of the show,” K.Will gestures to a few men and a stern-faced woman standing off to one side watching them carefully: they must be on the production team. “And we feel we need another rapper on the show after losing one recently. We need to give Jooheon-ah and Gunhee-ah a chance to compete more and to grow - and guess what? Your name came up as the guy to do just that when we looked at a list of candidates. You’ve already been training for a while, right? At another company, sure, but you’ve been with us for a few months now.”

Changkyun can only nod, but internally it’s as if a small revolution was taking place. This was his shot, wasn’t it? He’d been wishing to compete and be part of this show, to be given a chance at a debut, still somewhat sore from his lost opportunity and – and now they were considering giving him just that, weren’t they? He had told himself he would snatch an opportunity like this like a panther pouncing on prey, but something in what had been said concerns him. He has to say something. He _has_ to check.

“Hyung. What does that mean exactly? …You want me on the show, is that it?” A breath. “_Officially_?”

“You’re wondering if you actually even have a shred of a chance of debuting, aren’t you?” K.Will asks smoothly, quirking a brow. “You don’t want to just be a steppingstone for the others, right?”

“Of course.” His voice suddenly felt stronger and he feels a resilience spreading through his muscles, a flicker of something powerful driving away his doubts. “I’m just as serious as anyone about debuting, and if I’m taking this experience, I want to know I have the same chance as the rest of them, even if I am joining the game so late.” His voice leaves no room to argue or persuade and it has K.Will tilting his head, impressed at the change in attitude.

The man answers carefully, rubbing at his arm in thought, “Well, there’s no guarantees of debut, just as the rest of trainees have no guarantee. But of course, you will be given the exact same chance as them. You’ll be treated as if you had been a part of the competition from the start. No special treatment, no discrimination from the judges or staff.” At that, K.Will claps a hand to his shoulder, smiling again. “How does that sound?”

“Almost too good to be true, but I’m not gonna say no.” Changkyun narrows his eyes momentarily at the floor beneath his feet – it seemed so far away – and notices that he’d been digging his nails into his palms and that the inside of his lip had been chewed at uncomfortably. Tasting a hint of something metallic, he meets K.Will’s eyes now, feeling himself going pale again as something pressing dances to the forefront of his mind. “I’m not gonna say no,” he repeats, as if convincing himself, “but how are the others going to deal with this? I mean… they’re not going to be jumping around for joy, are they?”

He has his answer before K.Will has spoken a word. It’s written in his entire body language; the pinch of lips, the tap of one foot, the eyes drifting away from his, the sigh. The trainees were probably livid. “They’ll manage, Changkyun-ah. Just give them a bit. The most recent elimination happened yesterday and some of them are still feeling it.” K.Will appears to conclude he has to add more, and so he says, “They’re all nice kids, really. You’ll fit in before you know it.”

It was a lie, Changkyun thought, albeit a well-intentioned one. He had no doubt that they probably were nice, having caught glimpses of their sweet personalities and kindness at Starship. He had a good deal more in the way of doubts that they would accept him quickly. He only hoped they wouldn’t single him out too much for this.

He sets his mouth, jaw determined. Nevertheless he wanted this. He wanted the chance to debut. He wanted the chance to fight against that talent. Even if he wasn’t good enough, even if he helped the others grow, he was certain he himself would, too, as long as he had that same opportunity. “Okay, got it.”

“Great! We’ll deal with the paperwork for filming and all that jazz later.” K.Will’s back on track, settling into his entertainer persona as he cocked his head over his shoulder, ready to head back to the table of waiting, horribly silent trainees. “But right now, we’ll go and introduce you, eh?”

Insides twisting uncomfortably, face almost paper white, Changkyun squares his shoulders, willing away the shiver that threatened to overtake him. He was shy at the best of times with new people, let alone entering what was sure to be at least an awkward, if not hostile, situation, but this was exactly the sort of thing he had to do. His parents would want him to be brave.

“Got it.”

He takes a step to follow K.Will’s retreating back.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

Kihyun runs both hands through his hair in exasperation as he leans forward, staring down at the empty table as if he had a personal vendetta against it, about which all of the trainees were sat, now with an addition to their numbers. It leaves his hair looking more like a bird’s nest than he’d like to admit, but, you know, desperate times and all that. Besides, the cameras were no longer rolling, now that the restaurant scene was finished and K.Will was already off and running to god knows where, and only a handful would be following them back to the dorms to continue filming the aftermath of the atomic bomb that had been dropped.

Make no mistake, this was an absolute disaster in Kihyun’s eyes, and for more than one reason.

His eyes flicker up to the new boy, I.M. Korean age, 20, which meant he was about 18 or 19, and so one of the youngsters on the show. He had a mature face, but even now it looked pale enough that his true age shone through. He’d been white as a snowflake when he’d been introduced, and as much as he tried to sit still, as if afraid of drawing ire, Kihyun could spy his hands twisted together so tightly that his nails must have been digging painfully into the backs of his hands. It’s enough to make his stomach churn in guilt. What must the kid be thinking and feeling?

How the production team fathomed that this was a good idea for them was beyond him. From an entertainment point of view, it was clear as day why they had chosen to do this, but it was hardly in favour of the still emotional trainees. It was hardly in favour of I.M, who had been thrown into rough, stormy seas with no hint of dry land in sight. Already the sharks were circling, and they were too bitter to be nice.

When I.M had been led over to the table by a bright, overly cheerful K.Will, he’d been met with very little in the way of friendliness. Even before he’d been brought over, the man had introduced the idea of the boy to them as their ‘_biggest obstacle so far_.’ Hardly a way to endear him to the group. In fact, Kihyun wondered if ruffling their feathers and setting them against him even more than would already have been automatic had been the aim from the start.

When interviewed later, Kihyun would state that he’d expected they’d be bringing back someone they’d eliminated, and that was true; it had been the first thought to spring to mind. But the moment a new trainee, a rapper at that, had been announced, he’d felt somehow betrayed – from the expressions about him, he wasn’t alone. K.Will had stated that the show had become aware that it needed more rappers, but that hadn’t made the blow any lighter.

Shoulders had become stiff, jaws had set, and suddenly a great many of the boys were glaring at the table, a table that had done them no wrong. Said table had allowed them a pleasant meal, but that must all have been a way of buttering them up, of softening the blow. The three rappers especially seemed a mix of flabbergasted and annoyed, Gunhee forcing an incredulous smile.

“Of course the dinner was too good to be true.”

Beside him, Hyungwon was rubbing at his hair and temples restlessly, a displeased frown marring his handsome features, but for the moment he said nothing.

K.Will plows ahead, a weapon on a rampage in their silence, accepting that he knew the trainees would find the news hard to swallow, especially with Mikyun’s elimination yesterday, but his tone did take on a more matter-of-fact note that had Kihyun, at least, paying greater attention. “This sort of thing is really natural and happens all the time when making a boy group. It’s something you’ll have to accept. Consider this another mission along the way to debut.”

Kihyun drops his gaze, but nods. He’s one of the few that does. The unhappiness is palpable. A living, breathing creature now sat in the room with them, looming in closer with each and every breath.

“I’ll bring him over now.”

At K.Will’s words, eyes snap up in shock.

“Now?” Hyungwon can’t hide the distaste and surprise in his tone.

“Will he be better than Jooheonie, I wonder?” Wonho’s question is biting as K.Will tucks his chair away, strolling out of direct line of sight to the entrance of the restaurant.

Kihyun sighs, letting his frustration flutter up again. “He better be, or else.” Or else he’d be eaten alive not only by them, but by the fans watching the show. Netizens in particular could be ruthless.

“Looks like Jooheon and #Gun will have to be better. You guys must have sucked!” Wonho continues, trying, painfully, to make a joke that doesn't even sound right in his voice. “Try harder.”

That earns a forced laugh from Gunhee, a laugh that leaves them all feeling all the colder. “Yes, sir.”

Beside him, half of Jooheon’s face has vanished into the neck of his sweater, but his eyes look dark, dead almost. “Do you think he’ll be as good as the three we’ve already lost?”

A rolling silence meets his words.

Kihyun wonders, then breaks it, voicing his thoughts slowly, “Why did they even bother eliminating Minkyun, then?” He’s still bothered by the tearful smile Minkyun had tried to offer them the day before as he wept, clutching to them all at different points, afraid of being swept away. Minkyun had looked small in the navy shadows and screaming spotlights of the stage, a candle about to go out. It had hurt more than he’d expected, even if he’d known what he’d signed up for. There’d been so many tears you could have bathed in it. It had been a sea of misery. For what purpose?

Seokwon shakes his head, devastated. “How can I face him now, after this?”

“This sucks.” Gunhee is still awkwardly smiling. It looked uncomfortable, as if he were a carved waxwork. Almost alive, but not quite.

Minhyuk doesn’t even try to hide his displeasure. “_Seriously_.” He was usually like the soft bubbling air of oncoming spring, but in the midst of a cold that had him snuffling, and highly emotional from the previous day, he was more akin to a flowerbed filled with thorns.

Jooheon leans back after another heavy, pensive pause, soft face still half hidden; his voice is sharp. “I don’t want to eat anymore.” Time has been passing in a way that made it hard to track. Had it just been a minute? Or had it been twenty? At last Jooheon’s irritation rises, voice louder, “We’ve been through a lot as a group of 12, he can’t just…” His words trail off, unvoiced at the sound of approaching footsteps, and as one, all heads turn to watch K.Will’s return.

Stillness and silence.

The boy is bowing his head even before he reaches the table, repeating the gesture multiple times even as K.Will places a hand on his back and urges him forward. “Say hi.”

“Hello, I’m I.M. I’m 20 years old. I’m a rapper… it’s nice to meet you.” I.M tries admirably hard to greet them politely, but he’s met with nothing but a heavy, ongoing silence and uncomfortable shifting. Someone weakly pats their hands together in a half clap. Nobody can meet his eyes. From where he’s sat, Kihyun is one of the closest to him, and he internally sighs, lifting his eyes ever so slightly, enough to take in the black clothes, the leather jacket, the nose he’d not yet fully grown into, the nicely styled dark chestnut hair, the ear piercings - the faintest _quiver_ of a lip - before dropping them. The kid looked so terrified, even as he tried hard not to; Kihyun didn’t want to see that. He didn’t want to feel sympathy mixed into his frustration – at least – not yet.

K.Will points him to his own abandoned seat, and at that, momentarily, Kihyun’s pity trumps his anger and he bites his lip. The chair was positioned in the middle of the table and sending him there seemed like sticking the boy right at the heart of a hornet’s nest. Wasn’t that like setting the bait to a trap?

“I’m leaving now.” Oh, _even better_. Nice job, K.Will. Let’s see what you catch in your trap now, how many exciting scenes you might get. Kihyun wants to shake his head. The frustration was almost overpowering, but he manages to regain a thin level of self-control as K.Will bids them farewell. “The rest of you get to work and make sure to aim for an even better performance than the one from yesterday.”  
  
They stand respectfully despite the feelings, the anger, disappointment, and offer bows as the judge departs, chorusing their thanks. “Yes, sir. Thank you. Good night.” They’re then plunged into that muddied quiet again, only the source of their unhappiness was now caught in between them, a cat surrounded by walls too high and slippery to climb. Trapped.

“Well, isn’t this great?” Gunhee’s ongoing unnatural smile looks almost painfully forced now, a skeleton, and Kihyun can only imagine that, as a rapper, his thoughts were probably darker than the rest of them. Jooheon and Yooho, too, look like statues, bodies entering the throws of rigor mortis.

Minhyuk covers his face with his face mask, saying nothing for a moment, and then stifles a cough. “Oh gosh, I feel sick.” It was hard to say if that was from his cold, or if it was how he felt emotionally right then. The top of his faces falls into the shadows caused by his hair as he tilts his chin down. Jaw tight.

I.M sighs, so softly, hopelessly, that only a few of them are paying enough attention to catch it. Kihyun is one, Wonho is another. Lost. Alone. As I.M bites his lip, looks around, trying to catch someone’s eye, Wonho eventually speaks, hands fisted upon his knees.“You came at the worst timing.” When he dies off without explaining anything, Kihyun feels enough warring emotions in his heart to give I.M a few words of further explanation, even if he can’t keep some of the bitterness from his voice.

“We can’t really welcome you right now because we lost Mikyun yesterday.” In all that time, as he looks up and sees the tiniest grateful flicker in I.M’s expression, in his nod, he realises with a pang that he must have been the first to make actual eye contact. “And to think that you replaced him, we can’t be all that nice to you…” Kihyun wants to add the word ‘yet’, but judges the pained atmosphere too strained for it. Instead it hangs there, unsaid, and he hopes that I.M hears it, realises they aren’t complete monsters who’d resent him forever.

Instead, he clears his throat. “So, you gave us your stage name… What’s your actual name?”

“Ah. Right, yeah. I’m Im Changkyun…” I.M keeps the eye contact, doesn’t look away. It spoke volumes to the determination inside him. “Once again, it’s nice to meet you.”

Kihyun stares for a moment too long, a strange feeling washing over him as if he was taking a step back to observe the scene from a distance, as if he were seated at home watching a drama. When he’d heard the name 'I.M' he’d thought little of it – mildly interesting, but a plain old stage name. Who cared? The boy’s actual name however felt like a sense of déjà vu. Like a warm bath at the end of an exhausting winter’s day, soothing and saving, heated fingers lacing with his. 

That name was an echo of a song he'd sang before, half lost, but not forgotten, the melody carved into his soul. ‘Changkyun’ felt like a name that would be passing his lips more often than he could count.

How odd. How would he even know that?

It was as if something had been written into his DNA, something that told him Changkyun was going to be important. More important than he could say.

Changkyun's eyes seemed endless, unfathomably deep, pools of swirling emotion of the darkest mahogany set in a cool, pale face.

At last, that eye contact breaks.

Like a blood red thread.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to Changkyun, when asked about how he ended up joining No.Mercy (my memory is vague as to which interview it was, but I have a feeeeeling it may have been a US one from last year's tour) he states that he just received a phone call from K.Will to have dinner. When he then turned up at the restaurant there were a whoooooole lot of cameras and then suddenly he was on the show. There may be a lot more to it, he may even have been joking, but I've chosen to take him literally here, thus why we get the scene with Seojoon at the start of this chapter, and then the chat with K.Will as he leaves the boys alone to speak with him. 
> 
> We've built up Changkyun's ambition to compete with the No.Mercy trainees and debut enough that I think his snap decision at joining the show makes a good amount of sense. Considering he's also told us (through Jooheon's questions in No.Mercy itself) that he hadn't made any sort of deal to debut before joining, I also made sure to stress that. In fact, his biggest concern here is just not being treated as some sort of entertainment without a chance of debuting! All of this stuff is somewhat imagined, but I hope it does its job well enough.
> 
> Switching over to Kihyun, I've kept his internal reaction a clash of sympathy and anger. Kihyun is quick to anger, but as we've seen on XRay season 1, the members have told us he's not one to hold a grudge; he's also stupidly sweet and nagging a lot of the time, isn't he? Through this, we already get hints of his frustration flickering on and off, and next chapter we'll have an imagined scene of it crumbling away completely to allow some fluff! 
> 
> All of the dialogue at the table is, as mentioned, accurate to No.Mercy. I have added in the question of Changkyun's actual name, however, as Kihyun seems to dislike calling Changkyun 'I.M' anywhere apart from on stage or shows, so we need to sow that now. 
> 
> Also, red threads of destiny, because why not?
> 
> Love, love, love! <3


	4. Track 3: A Not so Tropical First Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interviews, paperwork and alienation. Changkyun's thrown in at the deep end and most of the No.Mercy trainees simply can't find it in themselves to be sympathetic, too worked up at the injustice of the latest elimination, just to end up with a new competitor. 
> 
> Things get all the more uncomfortable when he finds himself moved into their dorm at once; he ends up awake in the middle of the night, anticipating he can use the time to swallow his emotions. He didn't yet know that Kihyun was a very sensitive sleeper...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, at this point in time, only the first five episodes of No.Mercy have aired. Considering that parts of what is shown in 6 flows into 7, and Changkyun is revealed just at the end of the episode with a full on appearance in episode 8, that's how I came to the conclusion!
> 
> A lot of what follows is completely imagined with no basis but my own thoughts (for example, the fact that the trainees go off to film interviews that same day is something I assume simply because they're all wearing the same outfits they had on at the restaurant), particularly the scene in the middle of the night.
> 
> The fact that all the trainees get up and leave Changkyun alone, with only Yoonho to talk to, however, is a very sad reality. I half hope it was edited in a way to make it look worse than it was...

A storm passes through an area like a tantrum, brash, red-faced and howling.

Sometimes they could last for a long time, but more often it would be a few hours of fluttering, howling winds, whistling and pushing hard against windows as if longing to enter, of ragged leaves being torn from trees and shrubs, of grey, charcoal skies and rushing clouds, of loud bangs as bins fell and newspapers and umbrellas were thieved away, of hair mussed beyond recognition from sleek styles and of rain hammering the earth. A storm would cause a great fuss and then stalk off again in a huff, leaving everyone and everything in its wake ruffled and bemused.

That’s more or less how Changkyun makes his way through that first experience of meeting his fellow trainees at that restaurant that fateful day.

Braced against the storm, he tried hard not to think too deeply about the internal chaos that screamed like heavy metal singers in the back of his mind. As much as it left him feeling dazed, the numb discomfort helped to lessen the awkward lump in his throat whenever his attempts at meeting someone’s eyes were ignored. He was yet again painfully reminded how much weight he’d carry after making this choice and his hands fist in his lap.

On the other hand, the atmosphere that had seemed more appropriate to the waiting room of a hospital did allow the contrasting moments to stand out more starkly. It allowed the moment when someone finally met his gaze to sit with him for many months and years to come.

When Kihyun had added to Wonho’s explanation of why they were all less than receptive of his arrival, even less than may have been anticipated, he had eventually lifted those dark eyes, flecked with hints of the amber in the dead of night, to meet Changkyun’s. That eye contact had sent a thrill through him. Changkyun would put it down to the relief of finally making a more substantial contact with someone, and he was grateful to offer his full name when asked. It made this, it made _him_, feel more real. He didn’t allow their locked gazes to shudder until at last Kihyun looked away first.

It had felt like looking into the eyes of a long-lost friend, and somehow he sensed that lump in his throat once again, as if he wanted to cry, although he couldn’t imagine why. It was very odd, as was the irrepressible heat that glowed in his chest even minutes afterwards.

The moment the cameras had switched off, a member of the staff, a bubbly girl in her mid to late twenties, came surging towards him, flicking her blonde hair over her shoulder impatiently as if it impeded her. “Changkyun-ah! Come here, we need to chat about some stuff before we head to the next location.”

Changkyun could only smile awkwardly, realising that such endearments being forced on you by strangers must be a common element of the industry. He followed her a few steps from the table to listen.

The other trainees were being accosted by another lady. Probably in her 30s, this one was more sensible sounding, shapely, with bright red lips and a sophisticated bob cut, she clicked her nails on the clipboard in front of her whilst explaining what would happen next. Changkyun thought she was someone not to cross. As she spoke, a smattering of hair and make-up stylists were darting about giving the boys basic touch ups to makeup. Although they weren’t yet idols, the general consensus was that, yes, something was needed for them to not cringe at themselves 5 years down the line when they inevitably stumbled upon the program again. “Shiny faces are a no-no~!” one of the girls chirped in a sing song voice, as if to confirm that, and Yooho tilted his head for her meekly, allowing her to dab away with practiced precision.

Changkyun’s staff member flashed a blinding smile at him as he reached her, and he half wanted to take a step back. Gosh, she was energetic. “So, Changkyun-ah. You must be tired, I mean, I heard we dragged you away from a full day of training, right?” She barely accepts his confirmation before chattering away further. “I knew it! So I bet you want to go home and just hit the pillows, but actually, before that, we’ll all be heading to one of the rooms the company’s been using for No Mercy interviews. You know-” she lifts her eyebrows dramatically, practically emitting her own light, “-the ones you see scattered throughout the show. We want to film some reactions from today, and of course we want to film your reaction to all of this too. That will take some time, especially as there’s 10 of you, but while the rest of them are doing that, we can sort out your paperwork. Once that’s a wrap, we can finally drop you all off at the dorm.”

Nodding idly when required under the assault of peppy information thrown his way, Changkyun’s mouth falls open a hint at the last words of her speech. “_The_ dorm? Wait, I’m not heading back to mine?” He supposed it makes sense for him to move in with the competing trainees – all the easier to get filming done when needed – but right now? “How about all my stuff? None of the guys back home will know and might get confused if I don’t-”

She cuts him off with a calming shake of the head, her long hair swaying in its styled waves, “Not to worry, Changkyun-ah. Someone will be sent to get your things – thankfully _not _me, I _always_ draw the short straw for stuff like that – and they’ll make sure to let your dorm mates know to not expect you. They can’t tell them about the show just yet – you can do that when you see them in the company building tomorrow – but they’ll make sure they don’t worry.” She turns her had sharply to the lady at the trainee’s table, meeting her eyes where a wordless exchange of information takes place with but a nod. “Got it, unnie!” Glancing back to Changkyun, she starts herding him like an impatient mother from the restaurant as the chairs behind him scrape and a series of steps follow. “C’mon, we need to get rolling if any of us even hope to see a bed tonight!”

The restaurant had been a glow of wooden tables and floors, warm amber orbs hanging about from the ceiling and pouring starlight upon the room, with a few decorative, lush plants in shades of deep emerald and bottle-green. It had been warm. As expected, the early evening air is anything but, the dark skies looking positively icy as a chilly wind emerges from the shadows to slap at their cheeks and dust them with pink, their veins searing in dismay.

The 9 other trainees had poured out of the restaurant to stand beside him in the orange light cast onto the street. Jooheon was shifting from foot to foot at the drop in temperature and didn’t even protest when Wonho tugged the neck of Jooheon’s jumper higher still, so that only his eyes could now be seen, two crescent moons in the bruised evening. Staff members opened to the doors to two large, shiny black cars that were to take them to their next location, beckoning the boys forward. They could seat about 8 people, which was apparently ideal, as a cameraman edged in beside the driver with a grumpy huff to the ‘_just in case_!’ thrown at him by someone important.

With an encouraging squeeze on the shoulder from the blonde lady and an assurance she’d catch him again on the other side, Changkyun was nudged to the first car, clambering in and edging to the back seats.

He glanced around at the four other trainees who had been shepherded in and felt his stomach twist at the looks thrown to him by two of them; Minhyuk and Hyungwon’s expressions are like eternal ice, unlikely to ever thaw, and perhaps it’s their beauty that makes it all the more poisonous. They sit together near the front, shoulders stiff, a pair of gods dissatisfied with a lowly mortal. Just behind them Gunhee’s awkward smile had at last faded away, but now he’s so excruciatingly blank looking, eyes not seeing Changkyun at all as they pass over him, so it hardly feels any better. Kihyun, however, also urged into the vehicle, is different. Whilst his expression isn’t particularly warm, in fact it’s arguably pretty chilly, his stare is challenging now, the faintest hint of curiosity that suggests he’s expecting Changkyun to prove himself. In many ways it’s an acknowledgement of new competition and it makes Changkyun want to quiver, because, of course, that was exactly one of the reasons he’d hoped to be a part of the show.

Kihyun doesn’t look away instantly. He quirks his head somewhat, as if asking himself a question, before shrugging as an extra staff member climbs into the vehicle, and he moves to take the seat beside Changkyun. There’s no longer any contact. Kihyun’s folded arms, crossed legs and the sight of his head tilting back with eyes closed, indicates doors closing to further interaction, but Changkyun feels relieved. It seemed that not everyone was planning to go out of their way to make things hard for him. Perhaps he’d be treated similarly by some of the others soon enough and that would be a good start.

The trip to the company building takes perhaps 25 minutes, hampered somewhat by the evening traffic, but with everything that had been thrown at him, Changkyun is grateful to just stare out the windows at the wet streets, turned into streaks of liquid fire from the street lamps and the sharp glares of car headlamps. The ongoing hum of the purring engine and the hiss of wet car wheels rushing past them was soothing. Rainbows of colour splatter in various shades from glowing shop windows, lighting up their faces even in the heavy shadows of the balmy car. Seojoon, so much like a splash of colour himself, floats into his mind’s eye and he sighs, wishing he could get in touch to let him know what on earth was happening. Unfortunately he had limited access to his own phone, and the company phone he’d been borrowing when K.Will had called didn’t have the boy’s number. It’s a shame. He wanted a friendly voice to talk to.

Upon arrival, they enter a rather narrow corridor on the ground floor that looked as if it were intended for important visitors. There were just a few two many potted plants to suggest otherwise. A plain white door which had to be for the interviews was left ajar as a herd of staff members and cameramen trooped in, still looking professional despite the lines of exhaustion in their face.

Changkyun was the first shuffled in for an interview, as, in the staff’s words, they didn’t want the paperwork they had to get through afterwards interrupted, and so he’s thrown a barrage of questions that included why he had joined, how he felt towards the other trainees, how he’d feel if he was eliminated quickly, and more. - “It’s a once-in a life time opportunity – there’s no reason not to take the chance.” - He knew perhaps 20 second of filming would be used at best, but that didn’t stop him from trying to justify himself as best he could in the 7 or so minutes he’d been sat in front of unpleasantly glittering cameras, the red, white and black of the No Mercy logo behind him serving as backdrop. - “It won’t be fun if I’m eliminated as soon as I join.” - It was hard, however, when each of the three cameras stationed in the room to record seemed like a large black eye that pulsated uncomfortably as it stared at him. He hoped his words sounded more convincing on screen than they had in his ears… - “I’m sorry, but I want to debut as well.”

As he left the room, he saw Shownu being steered in. The taller man, who was far too attractive close up, spared him a glance, one that seemed a mix of baffled and unhappy, but not filled with spite, before the doors closed behind him. Taking a seat just beside it as directed by the blonde girl of before, a pile of papers is pressed into his hands and he’s given the job of starting to sift through them, with her explaining she’d return in a few moments with a pen and start helping him sign what was needed. _This looks… exciting_, he thought to himself dryly.

The remaining 8 trainees were also perched on chairs and built in benches outside the room, either chatting in low voices, or else armed with earphones. Wonho, Hyungwon, Jooheon and Gunhee were deep in conversation, faces grim, whilst propped up beside them, Seokwon appeared to be in a heavy sleep, faint snuffles escaping his lips. He was leaning dangerously forward in his seat, oblivious to everything as his chest rose and fell rhythmically. Yoonho seemed to have convinced himself he was no longer there, having laced his fingers before him, chin resting on them, a pair of headphones emitting hums of music as he stared off into space.

Kihyun was also listening to something, an earphone trailing from one ear, whilst the other disappeared into Minhyuk’s. The boy in question looked far prettier without the wintery expression on his face; his eyes were shut, thick lashes spanning out like fans on his cheeks as he coughed every now and then, head resting on Kihyun’s shoulder, a soft whine in his husky voice. In the few minutes he had to wait, and hardly captivated by the gripping words about personal image use in front of him, Changkyun heard every word of their soft conversation.

“Ahh… Kihyun-ah, I feel so sick.” A resentful pause, a twist of his head so he could bury his face deeper into Kihyun’s jacket, forehead pressing against his warm neck. Minhyuk’s soft brown hair had become a tangle, but he seemed unwilling to move, leaning heavily against the slightly smaller body. “You suck. I’m here uttering my last words, and you don’t even pay me any attention. That’s so cold, Kihyun-ah, especially when I love you so, so, sooo much.”

Kihyun didn’t look up from the tablet balanced on his lap, reading through the lyrics displayed as the song played, each line flashing green as the words were sung. He was sighing in a way that suggested he had heard the complaints far too many times that day to care. “For the last time, Minhyuk-ah, as much as you may long for death, I sadly don’t think you’ll be getting your wish any time soon.” His quip was unrepentantly sharp, like a parent scolding a child for exaggerating, but it was followed by a yet more parental lift of his hands, shifting the tablet from his legs to his side as he guided Minkyuk down from his shoulder to rest his head gently on his lap. His tone softened as he ran his fingers through Minhyuk’s hair, stroking him as if he were a child. Changkyun found the sight somehow nostalgic. “We have some medicine at home, anyway, and I’ll make some ginger tea for you, okay? Stop being such a baby… you’re older than me…”

“Just 19 days older… It’s not like you call me ‘hyung’ often enough for it to matter.” Petulant, arms wrapping about Kihyun’s thighs to hold himself in place, Minhyuk inched an eyelid open to smirk up at the other boy. “I thought you’d be pricklier today, considering what happened.” His voice drops slightly, mouth now turned down in distaste, although he didn’t bother to spare a glance at Changkyun. “Aren’t you mad? I’m fucking losing my mind.”

“You say that as if you had a mind to begin with. And Minhyuk-ah, careful on the swearing. There are still cameras running in there.” One of Kihyun’s hands was still stroking, whilst the finger and thumb of the other pinched gently at Minhyuk’s soft cheek in admonishment. He paused and looked up at Changkyun, that same, challenging expression in place before looking away; Changkyun avoided direct eye contact hoping to have not been pegged to be listening in. “…I don’t know. I’m not mad, exactly. But I don’t think I like everything going on.”

“No kidding. What the hell are they playing at? Minkyun-ah’s face keeps flashing in my head. He was working so hard, and he got so much better lately, too. I’m so angry…” A lightbulb above flickered ominously at his words, but nobody got to hear more, for at that moment the door beside Changkyun opened and Shownu shuffled out looking drained. From within they called Minhyuk’s name and he’s pulled to his feet by Kihyun who shoves him forward, like a child on his first day of school, ignoring the whines of ‘”Ah, why me? Can’t they see I’m dying?”

“Just get it over with quickly. Speak your mind. You’re good at that.” In sync with Kihyun’s dismissive wave, the peppy girl returns and Changkyun is drawn away from his surroundings as a pen was dangled playfully in front of him. Accepting it, he squints more carefully at the paperwork as she seems to become a different person, professionally guiding him through each page with an assured knowledge. 

Only a few incidents break him from his focus in that time, one of which being a pretty boy stamping his feet, almost tearfully, upon emerging to find his seat had been taken by Shownu - ”C’mon, hyung, we all know you two are awkward together, just move! I’m at death’s door, you know!” – and another being the rather loud ‘thlump!’ that echoed in the corridor when Seokwon fell from his chair, still asleep, to Yoonho’s horror, snapping them both back to the present.

By the time all of the interviews are finished, Changkyun feels depleted. He said nothing when they were, once again, corralled in the car, the arrangements much the same as before, although he now had to endure Minhyuk squeezing an unsympathetic Hyungwon’s hand, before at last they arrived at the dorm. His stomach flip-flopped in a hum of terror as the reality of being with a group of unwelcoming trainees when the cameras were sure to leave perhaps an hour or two later sank in. The turned backs as they trudged up the stairs to the door did little to alleviate the feeling, and Changkyun twitched nervously at the back the queue, his protective haze wearing off.

The smooth handrail was frosty in his hand. He was certain he was going to live through every moment of this with heightened senses, and he was even more certain that these were hardly going to be memories he’d look back upon with relish.

As a couple of cameramen troop in first to catch the moment they entered on film, Changkyun swallowed audibly.

He felt terribly alone.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

Kihyun darts through the door quickly, side-stepping the other trainees as he popped his shoes neatly away and trying his hardest to ignore the cameras. He’d really had more than enough of them for today. They _needed_ to go. Pulling a face when he spots a GoPro being set up in the largest bedroom that served as their living area, he shook his head and joined Shownu perched on the lower bunk, running his hands over his face in exasperation. Many of the trainees were at their limit today. This was getting uncomfortable. It was made even more so as someone called out from one of the bedrooms that Minkyun had already gone, without a final farewell, and the others began to work themselves up further over the unfairness of it all.

Of course it was unfair. Kihyun had indicated as much in his interview an hour earlier. But it was made to be even more so with the way the production team was going about this, desperately trying to isolate the new boy further and to create some dramatic scenes they could manipulate even more when editing. Kihyun stared unseeingly at the others when at the majority were finally gathered in the room, willing his tired eyes to focus.

His head was pounding now. Just perfect.

The trainees are still mumbling and grumbling about the situation, many still bundled in their boats and jackets, too depressed to care. Four of them were sat on the black mattress under the dartboard, Minhyuk sprawled on the floor before them, head resting against Yoonho’s legs. Although he wasn’t complaining about how he felt any more, Kihyun could see the tell-tale signs of a sore throat and chest in the slightly problematic way he was taking shallow breaths, and he belatedly remembers his promise from before. Standing quickly, he exits the room, sparing a dark glance at the drying laundry on display that was now sure to be shared with the world, before he halts, heart dropping and insides freezing over with absolute, burning, icy pity.

Changkyun was standing there in the adjoining corridor, looking completely at a loss, and it was certain he’d been listening to all of the complaints being thrown around in the room. Again, Kihyun was starkly reminded how young the boy was, and he feels guilt clawing at him resentfully; the younger ones were supposed to be looked after.

Being a younger sibling himself, Kihyun had only gained practice in looking after younger boys since he’d become a trainee, but he had become fairly good at it, finding he enjoyed fussing over them. He relished being praised and would often be on the receiving end of still more whenever he treated the youngsters well. Staring at this abandoned child, at the cameraman who was taking an almost sickening glee in filming the scene, certain this would add extra spice to the show, Kihyun swallows. He couldn’t hold the boy’s hand yet. He had to get that ginger tea made and his head hurt too much to let yet more altruistic tendencies win. But on the other hand, he couldn’t just leave him here either.

Kihyun steps forwards, and although his apologetic wince isn’t caught on camera, although the scene would be edited in such a way that the other boys would tease him mercilessly for the meme-worthy moment that had been created, Kihyun never regrets it. “Come sit in the living room with us.” The tilt of his head towards the kitchen, that indicates he had to get something done, is never broadcast, but Changkyun is brave enough to take his words, stepping into the living room as Kihyun passes him into the kitchen.

Time drifts by in a hail of throbbing in his head as Kihyun busies himself with the kettle, finding some cold medicine alongside the ginger tea, and thankfully some headache tablets for himself, which he quickly swallows. He hears footsteps passing towards the bedrooms but thinks little of it. By the time he returns to peer into the living room, a steaming mug in one hand, tablets in another, it’s with a jolt of surprise that he spies only Yoonho left with Changkyun. Had the others been so cruel as to walk out? They were hormonal teenagers, some of them, and angry to boot. He couldn’t completely blame them with how stressed they were from the harshness of the competition… and at least Yoonho and Changkyun seemed to be talking. They were about the same age, so that was a relief. 

“It’s okay. If I were you, I wouldn’t be accepting me easily either…” Changkyun’s deep voice is understanding but with a note of loneliness seeping through it. Kihyun couldn’t see his face from this angle, and quite honestly, he didn’t want to right now.

Ducking back out, unseen, he moves to Minhyuk’s room, walking in at the end of a conversation that seemed to indicate that they all understood how Changkyun was feeling, but that it wasn’t enough for them to master their own feelings. “I do know how he feels, I really do. But I’m just so angry…” Jooheon exchanges stares with Gunhee and Minhyuk; they were all on the same page. The fact that they were worrying about it at all was testament to how good they were as people, even if that goodness wasn’t yet on display.

The cameraman in the doorway steps aside, Kihyun teetering beside him dangerously, and moves to the exit of their home, hollering for the others to hurry up. “It’s time! Good job everyone!”

Kihyun sighs, regaining his balance and stepping around Jooheon as he squeezed into the tiny room. It had a single window which revealed a pitch black sky beyond it, with two bunk beds crammed in so tightly that there was scarcely room for much else. Still, it was tidy enough in spite of the four boys already within that Kihyun’s innate need for tidiness kept calm. Nudging Gunhee with his elbow so he was only hanging off one of the ladders propped against the bunks, as opposed to two, he looks up at Minhyuk.

“Minhyuk-ah, here. I almost forgot.” Stepping up two steps of the ladder balancing the mug, Gunhee’s warm hand is suddenly firmly pressed to his back to help him keep his balance, so he braves another few. Minhyuk’s fluffy head was visible from where he was cuddled up in blankets in the top bunk above Jooheon; his pale face makes his gorgeous chocolate eyes seem far too heavy in his face, and his pretty lips are too faintly coloured. He must have been feeling even worse than earlier – he’d been far too quiet. Still, he offers Kihyun a sunshine filled smile that almost makes it all worth it, accepting the cup and tablets with a tired sigh, his long fingers curling about the smooth surface and heating up.

“Kihyunnie! Thank you!” Minhyuk wiggles about with a forced energy, as if trying to alleviate Kihyun’s concerned frown. Getting comfortable he starts sipping at the tea, pulling a face that suggested he was sucking at an especially sour lemon, lips puckered and eyes pinched shut. He wasn’t that keen on ginger at the best of times. “You know, I’ll consider taking you on as a sidekick when I get some time to play video games again. I think you’ve earned it.”

Hopping to the floor, Kihyun smirks slightly, but keeps his tone firm, somewhat nagging. “Yes, yes. Now just zip it and go to sleep. You’ve talked enough today, Minhyuk-ah, and I won’t be bothering with you tomorrow if I find out you’re worse off just because you stayed up late.”

He earns a sunny salute and a “sir, yessir!” which is mocked by both Jooheon and Gunhee, until he throws them a look that leaves them twitching in a faint recoil.

“Jooheon-ah, Gunhee-ah, you guys too. You need to be awake tomorrow.” They mumble something unintelligible in response but he ignores them.

He desperately needed to sleep himself…

Perhaps 20 minutes later, a throbbing behind his eyeballs, he finally gets his wish. Hyungwon has already passed out, an elegant, angelic creature buried so deeply into his covers, that only wisps of his hair could still be spied. Wonho and Shownu’s deep breaths serve as a lullaby this evening, and Kihyun soon falls into the abyss of unconsciousness blissfully.

Unfortunately, the dark embrace of sleep was short-lived.

Kihyun was a sensitive sleeper. Noises often woke him up, and he was a notoriously early riser on top of it all. Whilst he had managed to become accustomed to many of the sounds a house full of young men could happen to make as they slept – snores, grunts, passing wind and Jooheon’s squeaks as ghosts chased him through his dreams - anything outside of those accepted parameters would trigger something in his head that would have him jolting awake, chin twitching and eyes squinting in the darkness.

It seemed as if tonight was one of those nights.

Bolting awake, Kihyun sits up with a groan, shaking his head as if trying to clear water from his ears, the pool of sleep and dreams he’d been floating in had been that deep. Around him he sees and hears nothing out of the ordinary; in the blue shadows, he could see Wonho’s pale shoulders reflecting the moonlight, moving gently with each breath and he could hear Hyungwon’s regular breathing, Shownu’s gentle, bear-like snores. Nothing seemed out of place. Nothing was moving. No apocalypse seemed underway, and no ghosts had escaped Jooheon’s dreams to become a reality.

He had no idea what had awoken him. But he knew at once that, sensitive as he was, he’d need to go find out before his ridiculous body would even allow him the chance of falling asleep again. Whilst his headache had died down, that didn’t mean he was any less exhausted, so he hardly relished the thought, but he throws back the covers and swings his legs over the side of the bed, resigned.

Dressed in an overlarge t-shirt that covered most of his underwear and makes him feel like the sail of a boat, he navigates his way through the thick, dusky waters of the room out into the corridor, ignoring the snuffling snores and regular breathing of his roommates as he heads towards the source of sound. It was a sound he now recognised as a chair softly scraping the floor with its legs as it was gingerly pushed or dragged.

Ducking his head around the corner of the kitchen door, rubbing his eyes as he tried to make out who was sat there in the semi-darkness, lit only by the single tiny lamp utilised for just such night trips to the kitchen, the person in question jumps at the sudden movement. Their eyes are wide, cat-like, as they stare up at him, and he at last realises who it is.

In the gloom of the room, Changkyun, his face half lit by the glow of the lamp near him, is a lost will’o’wisp that had become entangled in the endless woods, far from the safety of heaven’s light or even the assured rage of hell’s fires. He seems to hover uncertainly in this purgatory, the fingers that had been pressed to the countertop as he edged his chair forward as quietly as he could, now clenched nervously. His dark eyes are a beautiful rusty hue in the faint light, and shiny enough that Kihyun wonders if the boy had been, or was about to cry.

“Ah, Kihyun-hyu- Kihyun-sshi,” Changkyun corrects himself, deep voice kept low, as unobtrusive and inoffensive as a prey animal cowering before a predator. “I’m sorry… did I- did I wake you?”

Kihyun stares for a moment, and then stares for another. The boy before him seems to become more uncomfortable, shoulders hunching, teeth teasing the inside of his mouth as if to bite it. The clock on the wall ticks each pensive second by, a mechanical heartbeat that seems both too quiet and too loud.

He thinks back to earlier, to his views that the younger kids should be cared for; to the fact that, really, the boy wasn’t at fault and, as much as he’d said in his interview that he didn’t like him, he honestly had no reason to be anything but kind. People with far more experience in the entertainment industry had set this all up, and Kihyun was sure that many of the others would be giving the boy enough of a hard time that he himself didn’t need to join in.

Besides, if he was honest, he was certain he would have done the exact same as Changkyun, if he hadn’t been in the show but had been offered the opportunity…

They were the same.

Something clicks in his head and he straightens up, taking a decided step into the kitchen and raising his arms over his head as he stretches, shirt riding up a bit. The pleasant release of endorphins relaxes him and he moves to hop up onto the countertop beside Changkyun, so he can watch him as he rubs his eyes again. It was a bit hard to focus, but the coolness that seeps into the back of his legs helps somewhat, even if the ongoing ticking was having the opposite effect. 

“’Hyung’ is fine, Changkyun-ah. And don’t worry about it, okay? Everyone says I’m too sensitive and wake up far too early, too. You could have whispered the words ‘chicken takeout’ in the quietest voice in the world, and I still would’ve woken up and found you.” He smiles as Changkyun raises his eyes from his clenched hands incredulously, the ghost of a smile playing on his delicate lips.

The boy hesitates, but answers in a more confident tone. “So… chicken’s your favourite, Kihyun-hyung? Or would any food get the same reaction?” He takes a breath. “I think I get it, though. I’d probably wake up just the same if someone mentioned rainbow sherbet ice cream.” The smile on his lips lakes on true life now as Kihyun rolls his eyes good naturedly, eyeing the slightest hints of dimples that would likely become clearer with a larger smile. He hadn’t expected that, but he’s struck with a desire to really see them in full bloom.

“Cute. I should’ve guessed a little kid like you would be all about the sweets – and yes, I’m _definitely_ taller before you even have the cheek of trying to suggest otherwise,” he fields smartly, laughing as Changkyun raises his eyebrows, evidently ready to protest. “Still,” he frowns now, analysing Changkyun and noting that he was still wearing mostly the same clothes as earlier. He hadn’t spotted that straight away in the darkness. “Why’re you up? Did you… even head to bed?”

Changkyun’s ears glow pink and he clears his throat, looking embarrassed. “I did, but….”

“…You felt awkward about getting changed when you weren’t sure you could fall asleep in a strange room anyway?”

Changkyun shifts about and says nothing. A pause stretches out, but it’s not uncomfortable; the air felt gentle, somehow, as if this wasn’t quite reality but the page of an ongoing dream.

Kihyun continues, “They did bring your stuff, right?” He’s relieved at the nod and then slides off the countertop with a quiet clap of his hands, ready to take charge and sort out both Changkyun’s problem and his own, which were apparently one and the same: a need for sleep. “Good. So, I figure you’ve worked out where the bathroom is. Get changed and then come back here. I’ll make something sweet for you and then we’ll both head back to bed.” He quirks a brow, “You _did_ hear they’re expecting us pretty promptly tomorrow morning, right? Can’t have the new kid being eliminated straight away just because he fell asleep in a meeting.”

“I wouldn’t…” Changkyun grumbles, but his eyes seem to glisten, like a puddle after rainfall reflecting sunshine, and without another word he slips off of his chair and moves towards the bathroom as silently as a ghost. Kihyun’s eyes follow him approvingly. _He listens well… _

Searching the cupboards, each a tiny labyrinth of foodstuffs and objects that didn’t all belong in the kitchen, he quickly finds the packet of hot chocolate buried between packets of protein powder. Ever since beginning the show, Wonho had started becoming more self-conscious and he was sole cause for all the protein that had taken up residence in the dorm. That was fine, but Kihyun did wish that he was tidier about where he kept it all. It wasn’t as if it needed five separate locations and a sixth, secret one that could only be reached by a ritual; if they both somehow ended up debuting together, Kihyun was going to put a stop to that.

Flicking the kettle on, by the time Changkyun returns, looking far more cosy and equipped for sleep, he’s pushing the mug into the boy’s hands with a proud tilt of his chin.

“Extra sweet for Rainbow-Sherbet-sshi. You’ll love it.” A curling mist of warmth rises from the rich brown surface.

Changkyun laughs, voice kept low as he sniffs the drink, taking a sip before his gaze flicks up from under his lashes. “Mmm… It’s really good. Thanks, hyung.” There’s that smile again, that hint of dimples. It looked so vulnerable, as if Changkyun was unsure if he should be showing it just yet.

Kihyun waves the thanks aside, moving to wipe down the countertops quickly with a cloth to avoid dealing with it in the morning, before taking Changkyun by the elbow as he switches off the lamp. He knew the dorm well enough that he could walk it with his eyes closed, and so as the oppressing darkness floods in, he has no problem guiding Changkyun back to his room. The boy still clutches the half-finished mug, following unquestioningly, but digs his heels in when he realises this wasn’t the room he’d been assigned to. Eyebrows lift in a wordless question.

Kihyun shrugs in response, tugging him into the room, again pleased with how well behaved the young man was when he hesitantly allows himself to be pulled and guided to Kihyun’s bed, the bottom bunk to the right of the door. They both perch on the edge of it, sinking into the soft mattress.

“Finish that, and then let’s get to sleep.” He keeps his voice to a hushed whisper, even if he knows well already that the other occupants of his room are heavy sleepers. When it came to Hyungwon, a lorry could probably crash into the building, and he’d merely turn over in his sleep with a grumpy moan.

Patting Changkyun’s knee and then shifting back, he drags his legs up as he moves towards the wall, creating a fair amount of space on the single mattress. He’d left the covers up as he’d woken earlier so it’s easy to wiggle under and then stare expectantly at Changkyun’s back, a back swimming in shadows and sprinkles of moonlight.

He has no idea what the boy is thinking, not when all he can see is the back of his head. His shoulders aren’t giving anything away either, but at last the boy leans forward, placing his cup down and then turns to slip under the covers, too. They’re facing each other, which should feel awkward, considering they are, essentially strangers, but somehow, oddly enough, it doesn’t. Kihyun arranges the blankets over them, making sure they’re covered up to their necks and quickly finds his eyelids feeling heavy as he heats up again, the night-time chill of the house forgotten.

It was as if he was sinking into a hot spring. He’d found and obtained the source of his disturbance, so his system had now deemed him worthy enough of returning to sleep, slowly lulled by the calm atmosphere towards dreams and peace.

But before he can take that chance, Changkyun shifts closer.

He looks like a pet of sorts, wide eyed, fluffy-haired, staring keenly, and Kihyun forces his eyes open again, tilting his head on the pillow to encourage the question that was floating in those eyes.

“Hyung… I was just wondering.” Changkyun’s hand rubs at the back of his neck, confused and unsure, causing the covers to slip off his shoulder. Eventually he settles for a single word. “…why?” Really, it was all that was needed, and it rings poignantly in the hush of the bedroom.

Why, indeed.

Kihyun looks away, searching for the answer himself, before resolving on one and looking back.

Voice quiet, he shrugs, saying simply, “You looked like you needed a hug.”

And it was true. It had been the first thought he’d had when he’d found Changkyun, abandoned and cold-shouldered in the kitchen in the deepest hours of the night. It persisted even now that they were both in the relative safety of his bed. Changkyun had some sort of aura about him when he held expressions like he had in the kitchen, like the one playing innocently on his face now. It urged others to protect him. Perhaps it was a remnant of childhood that could influence adults? Something like pudgy cheeks, gap-toothed smiles and high-pitched giggles.

Whatever it was, it made Kihyun want to tug Changkyun close and keep him safe. He was merely following that compulsive need now by forgetting any annoyance and prioritising his sympathy.

A cloud shifts beyond the window, blocking the slip of moonlight that had lit the room, plunging them all into more certain darkness, and so Kihyun can’t see Changkyun’s expression as the boy shifts closer still, the rustling fabric sounding far too loud in a room just filled with soft snores. Kihyun holds his breath. He can only see the shape of his body as it presses up against him, a tentative arm coming up to cling to his waist, fingers uncertain, cold.

The rest of Changkyun is ever so hot. A tiny sun cuddled up to his chest, whose shoulders Kihyun hugs closer. Blearily, he again thinks he should feel awkward – he tended to only be cuddly with those he knew well – and yet he did know there were times when you just clicked with another person and the time that was needed to sow relationships with others simply didn’t apply. Perhaps he and Changkyun were more alike than he realised and that was all it was. It’s that vein of thought that keeps his lips shut as he feels searing drops of moisture running against his neck where Changkyun’s face was pressed; he somehow knew better than to ask.

His sleepy fingers twitch: he was glad he’d chosen to rise above his own weaknesses and pettiness. Very glad.

After what feels like a lifetime, he hears that deep voice, thicker with emotion, mumbling against his chest. “Hyung, thank you… for the hot chocolate.”

Changkyun’s fluffy hair tickling his chin, he nods. “It was nothing, Changkyun-ah.”

They both knew they weren’t really talking about the hot chocolate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, there's one thing I didn't realise at first when it came to the 'let's all just walk out on the new guy and come across as bad people, even though we're really not' scene. Whilst it's true Kihyun gets up to leave the room, asks Changkyun to join them all and is then filmed walking off, somehow or other he must have returned? Because when I rewatched that part of the episode, I spotted him in the room again? So... yeah. That was a frustrating find. I chose to charge ahead with my 'tea for Minhyuk' story line, however, as it felt more dramatic, and also it makes Hyungwon's amusement (see below) even more justified if Kihyun just left Changkyun to fend for himself. At least Yoonho was a good guy and made an effort! 
> 
> We also get some nice Minhyuk and Kihyun moments. I love the dynamics of their friendship so it was nice to get a hint of that now. I can only imagine they got closer and closer after No.Mercy. As for the rest of Monsta X, I hope to start getting them more and more involved soon! Those on the red team next chapter are likely to get that treatment soonest.
> 
> So, moving on to Kihyun being a ridiculous softy in my self-indulgent hot chocolate and cuddle scenes! You may be asking why, and so I will gladly tell. In the VCR to Monsta X's 3rd(?) fancon, each member takes turns to sit on a chair at the front with headphones on, blocking out all sounds as they listen to music. The rest of the members take this time to chat about them, both lovingly and teasingly. When the time comes to chat about Changkyun, Hyungwon laughs at Kihyun and the apparent meme he made when he told Changkyun to join them in the living room in the 'angriest voice.' Kihyun defends himself and tells everyone that when he saw Changkyun standing there, he was overwhelmed with pity. Thus, I take that to mean that he's a fluffy thing who was already starting to let his sympathy win over his anger. Once again, let's remember that Kihyun is quick to anger, but never holds grudges.
> 
> Perhaps I go too far (again, self-indulgent!) when pushing that all the way to a fussing and cuddling scene, but it does have a lot of things that Kihyun himself surely approves of. He gets the chance to nag Changkyun and order him about without any backchat (when asked by a fan at fanmeeting how he gets the other members to do what he wants, he told them that Changkyun always listens to what he says and drew a little heart), and Kihyun has also been described as the type to show his affection with his body (XRay, episode 6), so a hug seems fair game. It also leads in nicely to the next day's mission start, where you might already spot Changkyun standing by Kihyun's side in the episode as they're addressed by the mentors. I wanted to give a reason for that immediate attachment. So yup!
> 
> I hope it was a fun read! Next chapter we'll move into the new mission, and I'll try to start building up the isolation. Of course Jooheon turns out to be a precious egg and soon speaks to Changkyun, too (get ready for tears as our maknae cries), but I'll try my best to get some further sadness going. We'll be in for some more No.Mercy chapters yet, but I am looking forward to the end of the show/run up to debut, as we can start to build bridges and get to know the others more. 
> 
> Many thanks to anyone reading, commenting or leaving kudos on this. You give me warm fluttery feelings. <3
> 
> p.s. Track 4 has been started but is unfinished. I'll be heading back to work on Monday, so things will also likely slow down significantly from now on.


	5. Track 4: The 4th Debut Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changkyun struggles to find a place in the competition but receives quiet support from one trainee, a calm acceptance from some of the youngsters, and, eventually, a connection is formed with Jooheon when the rapper gets a push to be honest. Within all this Kihyun bemoans the childishness of the others and acts out - only a little, just enough to get the ball rolling. He's definitely pleased with the results and proud of one person especially.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've been sitting on about 3/4s of this since back in August. I even found time to write some Changkyun and Kihyun segments to go into this set in All In Era and X-Ray Season 3 - which are, of course, completely out of the timeline and arguably wasted my time in that this has to come first? I suppose, however, the biggest reason for the delay is all the unfortunate things our poor Monsta X has been going through lately. It did definitely make writing feel less inspiring. Well, time to press on. We can still keep our fight going as well as look back to the past, right? Right! 
> 
> A lot more imagination in here as to how Kihyun and Changkyun might have gotten on behind the scenes. I can't help but notice how even back then Kihyun seemed to exude a calmness or act like a safe space. Changkyun often ended up near him and that became even more obvious after debut. I can only hope and assume that meant Kihyun's kindness was already being thrown his way. I've included the younger trainees being less antagonistic and Jooheon, our sweet bee, needing just a little push to show his true nature, because he really is a sweetie.

Kihyun hadn’t been joking when he’d said he was an early riser.

Although Changkyun was in favour of as much sleep as possible, when he’d awakened to warm brown eyes peering at him from across the relatively small distance of a pillow, a finger prodding his side under the blankets… Changkyun found he was glad, in fact, that Kihyun woke up so early. It would surely have been weird if the other trainees had seen them, especially as he was faintly sure he was blushing.

As he was taken confidently by the wrist, led to the kitchen and pressed into the chair he’d become familiar with but a few hours before, he watched Kihyun move about the room blearily, starting to put things together for a quick breakfast. Changkyun had slept well, even if his eyes were puffy from tears, and he’d even managed a dreamless sleep that had simply exuded a _feeling_ of ‘right’, of ‘fulfilment’, of a broken puzzle being made whole. It had been wonderfully warm, and he’d felt more secure than he had since he’d left home to pursue dreams of idol life. He had to be grateful for all of that, even if he utterly astounded at his own behaviour.

Changkyun was a cold person. No, not through and through. But with people he didn’t know, he was reserved, formal, serious, even and initially found it hard to make friends. It was only when he got to know someone well that he felt safe enough to reveal his true self. He could be extremely loving and silly, could tease and be playful, be extremely physically affectionate, but, again, only with those he was close to. It had taken him a good month to warm up to the members of Nu’bility enough to laugh openly, and it had been the same since he’d come to Starship, with only real closeness forming in the past few weeks to the point that he could truly start to be himself.

The fact that he’d clung to Kihyun like a little boy, allowing his vulnerability to show, was unthinkable.

And yet, it had happened.

In front of someone he had idolised for his singing skills for the past few weeks... He wasn’t sure if he should be pleased Kihyun allowed and encouraged it or mortified that it had happened at all. Perhaps both.

He chewed at his lip self-consciously, realising the Kihyun was confident enough to have no such qualms. His hyung was already pushing a bowl of kimchi porridge towards him as he dipped a spoon in a second, identical bowl, eyes closing in pleasure as he took a mouthful. They were sat side-by-side, and as Changkyun mumbled his thanks, feeling uncomfortable still, he heard Kihyun sigh.

“It’s going to be tough, Changkyu-ah. You’re going to have to be strong.” Changkyun turned to stare, unsure, spoon dangling from his mouth as Kihyun poked his nose and clicked his fingers in front of Changkyun’s eyes. “Focus, Changkyun-ah.” He nodded, swallowing his porridge, pushing the awkwardness, the thought that the kimchi tasted really, really good, to one side.

Kihyun’s expression was satisfied, and he offered his own approving nod that had Changkyun longing to please him even further. “The others are going to be hard to deal with, Changkyun-ah, I want you to know that. But really, they are good people, so long as you make the effort to approach them first.”

At that, Changkyun squirmed, wishing he were extroverted and effortlessly friendly. Right then Kihyun’s words sounded like a Herculean trial he wouldn’t succeed in millennia. “I’m… not the sunniest person, hyung, I’m not sure…”

Kihyun clearly wasn’t having it. His lips pinched in displeasure and he sighed. “You have to _try_, Changkyun-ah. Keep reaching out, even if it doesn’t feel easy, and at some point someone will grab your hand.” When Changkyun eventually acquiesced, eyes dropped to his porridge, Kihyun carried on, this time with a forced sort of firmness. “I also want you to know that I’m going to be just as tough on you as they are when it comes to No.Mercy. I’m not going to go easy on you. I want you to show me what you’re made of.”

_‘Show me that it’s the right thing that you’re here instead of the other three’_ isn’t said, but Changkyun could hear it loud and clear.

Whereas he’d found it hard to accept Kihyun’s more social advice, this part was easy; it brought a fire to his eyes as they made eye contact and he even managed a grin. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ll leave you in awe, Kihyun-hyung, just the way you left me gaping like an idiot the first time I saw you sing.” Okay, perhaps he _shouldn’t _have added that last part. Kihyun’s eyebrow was raised in what was evidently a characteristic show of his amusement, and the young man was looking infinitely cockier than he had been a second ago.

“Oh really? I’m _that_ impressive, huh?” His tone was playful for a second, before he smiled more genuinely, cheeks faintly pink from delight at the praise. “Thanks, Changkyun-ah. It’s nice to hear that from someone who wasn’t part of the program. So, you liked my performances?”

Kihyun stood, sweeping up the bowls and moving to wash them quickly as the groaning sounds of other trainees being hit by the sad reality that it’s morning already could be heard from the bedrooms.

An alarm rang and rang, and Shownu’s sleep-encrusted voice could be heard moaning. “Hyungwon-ah, please – _please_ – wake up and turn that off.” Jooheon, too could be heard letting out a cry like a baby from the other room, voice groaning, “Please, just – just kill me now. I can’t…”

Changkyun jumped up, manners impressed upon him by his parents kicking in, holding up a towel he found near the sink as Kihyun washed up, receiving an appreciative smile as he was passed a bowl to dry. “Yeah, you’re really good. Your Hyeya… Let’s just say I couldn’t really think straight afterwards.” He laughed a bit, knowing he was only allowing himself to be so embarrassing because it was bringing a flush to Kihyun’s ears and that intrigued him. “I really like your voice, hyung, it’s…. nice.”

“Articulate!” Kihyun’s bravado seemed forced as he chirped, ears now smouldering from happiness. “And I know. You’re right! Thanks.” Changkyun didn’t miss the shifting of focus as Kihyun grinned. “So, Changkyun-ah. Are you going to beat our amazing, genius rappers?”

Changkyun took the second bowl with a firm nod, smile fading slightly, each word serious as he carefully dried it. “Of course. Just wait; you’ll be impressed.”

Kihyun nodded, matching that seriousness and running a cloth about the edge of the sink, wiping away any droplets of water. He seemed to have a fondness for things looking neat. “Looking forward to it already!”

By the time the first trainees were trickling in to the kitchen, Changkyun had been sent off to shower with a ‘you’ll thank me later’ and Kihyun was sipping a cup of green tea serenely, calmly gazing at the early morning greys and smoky sunlight starting to creep through the window. None of the older trainees deigned Changkyun worthy of a greeting as he passed, although he took Kihyun’s words seriously and bowed his head respectfully at each of them, but he did receive sleepy greetings from the two youngest, Yoonho and Seokwon, who shuffled about like creaky old men.

“Mor-mor-moooorning…” Seokwon yawned hugely, tripping over nothing as he did so, and slapped his face afterwards with both hands in a vain effort of waking up.

Yoonho nodded at Changkyun, mumbling darkly to himself. “Mornin’… I think I’ve grown two heads… there’s no way one brain can hurt so much.”

Changkyun managed a sympathetic laugh in return, wondering if it sounded too awkward, but Yoonho seemed to accept it. He watched the two of them placidly stumble off, looking as if they hadn’t actually really woken up.

And then he was in the safety of the shower, washing away every feeling but the piercing, burning water hitting his skin. The hissing stream of pattering was soothing. He forgot the others, forgot how hard things may well be, he even forgot how embarrassing he was during the night. Somehow he didn’t want to forget that warm embrace, however… The water trailed down his body as he turned it off, steam curling off of him, and he sighed.

Today he was going to take a step closer to achieving his dream. He’d been lucky enough to gain a chance.

There was no way he would ruin this.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

The trainees made their way to the company building in a wave of resentment at the early hour, but thankfully, on the whole, with full stomachs. Some of the expressions held were especially sour. This was particularly true of Hyungwon, who had such a bitter pout it was as if he’d been told he was on a one-way trip to a day of torture, albeit sometimes the debut missions had felt like exactly that. Changkyun, however, whilst visibly apprehensive as the cameramen slid alongside them, the heavy cameras perched on their shoulders, looked far less pale than he had the day before.

Kihyun, observing this discreetly from a distance, kept a cool expression so as to not draw any questions even if caught, and then emotionally detached himself from the situation as they entered the area outside a number of recording studios.

Six men stood waiting there for them, a clear aura of friendly challenge bouncing between them. At that moment, everyone, friend or not, was competition. He had to make sure he kept seeing it that way, unless, of course, this turned out to be another group mission.

Wonho entered first, bowing politely as the rest trailed inside following suit, forming a line in front of the waiting semicircle: Giriboy, MadClown, Jooyoung, Vasco, Junggigo and Genius Nochang. They were all talented artists in their own right, and most of the trainees were vibrating with excitement as they stared at the six, their tired complaints already forgotten. I.M, having never seen any of them up close before, maintained his impassive, calm expression, but Kihyun could see from where they stood side by side, that the boy’s forefinger was twitching against his thumb as his hand formed a gentle fist by his side. He must have been euphoric – many of the trainee rappers in the agency were especially inspired by four of the men in the line-up before them, mimicking their styles and trying out their raps as they developed their own songs and signature styles.

Jungiggo and Jooyoung were the only vocalists present, but they too had much that the vocal line could learn from. To Kihyun’s right, Wonho seemed hard-pressed to contain his little sway of excitement, squeezing his mouth shut to stop from smiling, such that he looked like a snuffling rabbit, nose twitching.

They all stood a little straighter, clad in their jackets and scarves, waiting to be addressed by their senior performers.

Jugiggo was the first to answer their tense excitement, gesturing to the surrounding artists, “So, two of the guys here, Giriboy and Genius Nochang, have written songs for the next debut mission-” He had barely managed to finish his sentence before Giriboy was tossing his head with playful arrogance, smirking at the surrounding trainees. His glasses glinted and his swept back hair shivered as he held back a laugh.

“Well, the song I wrote is fucking amazing!” This earned a wave of laughter from the trainees and some eyerolls from the other artists. “It’s fucking cool.” He added, enjoying their response, and when they laughed again he grinned. “It’s fucking fun.” Good things come in threes, right? The trainees were now ‘ooh’ing in appreciation, some of them clapping, and the cameramen were adjusting their views, trying to catch as much of the scene as possible.

Giriboy was nodding his head in satisfaction when an unruffled, straight-faced Genius Nochang tugged his facemask down a tad. He was wearing a baseball cap turned to the back, which somehow added to the cool aura he exuded as he calmly shrugged. “Well, _my_ song is exactly 50% better than Giriboy’s.” At this the trainees almost lost it, sniggering loudly, a few of them leaning on each other whilst others clutched as their knees, trying to stand straight but failing. Giriboy was absolutely beaming, both lower and upper teeth on full display, amused and challenging all at once.

Jugiggo, keeping a serious expression caught their attention again, “Anyway, we’ve divided up the teams for this task.”

MadClown nodded sagely, staring down each trainee as he scanned them. “You should also know that the winners of this mission will get to release the song as a collaboration with the artists whose team they’re on.”

The effect was instantaneous; Hyungwon’s jaw had dropped, and many of the rest were nodding, exchanging awed glances. Gunhee squeezed Shownu’s shoulder as he leaned on him, eyes wide, and Minhyuk, at the far end of their little gathering, caught Kihyun’s eye and they exchanged teasing smirks. To his right, Wonho squeezed his fists together in excitement, whilst Jooheon kept his cool just behind them, looking deceptively relaxed. I.M, probably unconsciously, pressed his shoulder against Kihyun’s, hands clasped before him politely, tension being transferred through his stiff posture: he looked all set for the challenge.

The flicker of competitiveness burned all the stronger when MadClown spoke up again. “From the losing team, one person will be eliminated.”

Jungiggo’s eyes narrowed. “Work hard,” was all he added to that, closing the explanation effectively.

Chorusing “Yes, sir, thank you,” all 10 trainees were bowing at once, quickly raising their heads in eagerness to find out who was on each team.

Kihyun took a breath, his heart racing.

Although they would be led by three experienced idols each, he nevertheless was certain that the way they were arranged would have a massive impact. Whoever his teammates were, he knew it could make his own contribution vital, or else useless, regardless of how hard he may work. If somehow they lacked chemistry and teamwork, it may well be the end of them.

“As much as we’ve gone for the songwriters’ names being the name of each team, we’ve also unofficially used the No Mercy colours to make it easier for the audience to remember. We’ll also have you dressing in those colours.” Vasco spoke up steadily, pointing to each team leader. “So, in other words, Giriboy’s team will be the red team and Genius Nochang’s will be the white team. Anyway, let’s have each team leader announce their members.”

Giriboy nodded, tugging a scrap of paper with a list of names scrawled on it from his pocket. “Right, so along with me, this team is lucky enough to get to work with MadClown and Jooyoung; and the kids we’re gonna have are….” He paused dramatically, grinning when the boys leaned forward in anticipation: Seokwon almost pitched forward. Kihyun held his breath.

Chuckling, he put them out of their misery and squinted down at the paper, reading out the names in what seemed to be age order. “So, we have Wonho, Kihyun, Jooheon, I.M and Seokwon.” He grinned again, raising his eyebrows, “Let’s fucking rock this!”

Kihyun started to breathe again as his teammates snapped to attention, nodding earnestly. This. He could work with this.

Genius Nochang was far quieter as he then stepped forward, pointing to Vasco and Jungiggo and then to himself. “Right, so the three of us are going to have Shownu, Minhyuk, Hyungwon, #Gun and Yoonho.” His eyebrows drew together, somewhat sternly. “As already said, work hard.” The boys he’d called out were vigorously nodding.

“Right! Take five minutes and then we’re heading in to get down to work.” MadClown spun on his heel, moving to step into one of the studios with a nod to the other mentors who split off into either one or the other. “We’ll call you kids in a sec.”

The moment both doors snapped shut, the trainees burst into conversations, discussing how they felt and what the songs could be like. Kihyun noticed Jooheon and Wonho exchanging dark looks as Minhyuk beckoned him over to where he and Hyungwon were standing.

“Tough luck, Kihyun-ah, you’ve gotten I.M. I can already see Wonho-hyung bellyaching to Jooheon-ah.” Hyungwon looked smug despite his supposed sympathies, patting Kihyun’s shoulder with an elegant hand.

“What happened to the ‘hyung’, Hyungwon-ah?” Kihyun ground out, irritated for some reason, although whether it was the lack of respect or the way Hyungwon seemed to draw himself up more to show off his height, he wasn’t sure. He flicked his eyes to Minhyuk, analysing his face critically before humming, pleased. “By the way, _you_ look much better. I’m glad.”

Minhyuk was dismissive, but hooked an arm around Kihyun’s, drawing him closer. “Yes, yes, I followed orders well and slept when you told me.” Kihyun bit his lip to hold his temper in as Minhyuk stood on his toes just so he could rest his head atop Kihyun’s. It was a show of affection, but also a clear jab at his height. These two were out to make him blow his top… “But really, Kihyun-ah, you guys are _so_ unlucky. There’s no way you’re going to win now.”

That was enough to cool his temper for a moment. He focused on the comforting weight of Minhyuk’s head upon his, using his free hand to steady the other man when he wobbled slightly from the effort of balancing on tip-toe. “What, because we have I.M? Why should that matter?” He somehow disliked where this was going.

The two – not _much_ taller, they needed to _stop_ looming over him – men nodded sadly. “Of course. I mean, there’s no way he’s going to get along with anyone. You’re at a huge disadvantage.”

Hyungwon sighed at that. “Then again, as bad as I feel for you, I’m looking forward to a win at last. Our team looks pretty good, so I think we might actually do it.”

Kihyun scowled, wriggling out from Minhyuk’s grasp, ignoring the pout he received. “Don’t count your chickens just yet.” Arms folding, he decided to end the conversation before he became legitimately annoyed, because even if he wasn’t about to baby I.M, he was bright enough to understand that the kid had to have talent or else he wouldn’t have been brought onto the show. Worse still, in his eyes, right then his teammate was being belittled. Kihyun didn’t like that. At all. “I think I.M will do just fine with us. In fact, I’m looking forward to it.”

Ignoring their bemused faces, he disengaged before they could even let a whisper of a letter pass their lips and stalked back to stand beside I.M, who had managed to exchange a few awkward words with Seokwon. The two stared at him, noting his folded arms and tight shoulders, but wisely held their tongues.

A split second later and they were entering the two studio rooms in their groups of five.

Kihyun rubbed his temples, feeling a tension headache making itself known behind his eyes.

Focus, Kihyun.

_Focus._

♫♪♪♫♫♪

The studio was cooler than you might expect, and certainly cooler than the trainees would like. They remained clothed in their winter jackets and scarves, forming a little semi-circle as they sat, child-like, on the floor before the three men. Each mentor was sat on a chair and they had already discussed much of how they might divide up parts and the expectations they had of the trainees: essentially it boiled down to ‘put in a fuck ton of effort and don’t screw up.’ Wonderfully clear instructions. You had to appreciate that.

They were then given a preview of the song, which sounded promising. Things were shaping up quite nicely.

When attention unexpectedly turned to I.M and the boy was asked to demonstrate his skills, Kihyun couldn’t help but vibrate in curiosity. He was sure much of the room shared this feeling, but perhaps after last night Kihyun’s own interest now significantly outweighed theirs.

When I.M finally rapped, his deep voice put to good use, Kihyun fought the urge to close his eyes as he so often did when listening to music and voices performing; it allowed him to sink more deeply into the reverberations and colours of a person’s singing, to appreciate each tremble, tint and hum more. Still, with the cameras about them it would probably look a bit odd.

He did love what he heard, at any rate. Different to Jooheon’s powerful, fast-paced raps and Gunhee’s more traditional approach, I.M’s words took on a lazily smooth caress in his rapping. To Kihyun, it was almost sensual the way he sounded, his tone like fingertips on bare skin, lips smoothing bruised lips, dark rooms and twisted sheets. The words were somewhat secondary to that tone, and the beat he used just enhanced it.

Kihyun shifted about uncomfortably by the end, wondering what sort of monster I.M might one day become if unleashed on a stage, wondering, too, how it might sound to weave his song about that rap. Far too good, he imagined. Shit, he really liked I.M’s voice – from an artistic perspective of course. He was still young, but with maturity he may develop his skills into something quite destructive, leave fans red-eyed from tears, breathless and desperate for more.

Coming to the conclusion that the young rapper was definitely skilled enough to be here, Kihyun decidedly avoided I.M’s eyes at the close of the performance, unwilling to betray even a hint of his thoughts. It hadn’t even lasted a minute, but had felt so wonderfully long with all of Kihyun’s hungry analysis.

He was sure that this was going to go well now. They had at least as a good a chance as the other team. The only real issue was making sure Jooheon was willing enough to work with their new arrival to allow a synergy to build between them.

Kihyun narrowed his eyes, deep in thought.

It might be harder than anticipated: Jooheon had a predisposition to hold grudges that made his expression into a squeezed squint of unhappiness. Just by arriving, I.M had caused grudges to spring to life like a range of toadstools in damp, dark, forest-y grounds. They had to be uprooted and crushed as quickly as possible, at least between those two. The vocalists would fall into line given time.

“Compared to #GUN your rap sounds more stable.”

Kihyun blinked awake from his thoughts as a compliment was offered to I.M from the mentors and after a few more bolstering statements about how well their team was surely going to do, they were sent off, the vocalists being given homework to work on the bridge of the song themselves. As much as that would have to be his concern, Kihyun still starkly felt the importance of the rappers lurking now in his mind like an insistent wind, nudging at closed shutters. He had to get that sorted before he’d have a chance in hell of focusing on his own work…

Their team was sent off to get to work perhaps 15 minutes prior to the other team, which meant an awkward walk together through the rest of the building to the practice rooms. Jooheon and Wonho strode pointedly ahead of them, Seokwon dithering about by Kihyun’s side as he in turn made a point of matching pace with I.M. Hurt feelings or not, they had to man up and put it all aside, and fast and already Kihyun’s, at times, fiery temper was bubbling away in annoyance at the thought that they would take too long in doing so.

Grinding to a halt, knowing he had to send a far sharper message to the two boys ahead of him, Kihyun whipped out his arms, catching Seokwon by the scruff of his shirt and I.M but his shoulder. They both stumbled in surprise, the sound being enough to cause Jooheon and Wonho to turn back with widened eyes, clearly wondering what had caused simultaneous tripping.

“Hyung, Jooheon-ah, I’m gonna head out and grab some energy drinks and snacks for us. We’re going to need it.” Kihyun’s tone was cool, his eyebrows faintly furrowed, feeling both the bewildered stares of the boys on either side of him in addition to the two ahead. Pointedly, he cocked his head, the slightly condescending look he somehow found effortless to achieve, chin tilted up so, despite his height, he could look down on them. His body language made his message heavy, clear. It earned returning frowns from Wonho and Jooheon, even as his words took on a softer appearance. “I’ll be taking the two little ones with me, okay?”

As much as he gave the appearance of asking, the set of his mouth indicated he was going to do it regardless, and whilst Jooheon folded his arms, turning his face away, Wonho stared for a moment more. He seemed to be searching for something, and apparently wasn’t impressed with what he found given the twist to his lips. Eventually he gave in, shrugging. “…got it. Get back quickly, Kihyun-ah. We need to get going.”

“Mmhmm.”

With that said, already satisfied that he was pressing his message suitably, Kihyun turned, using his hold to rotate the two youngsters about with him. Placing a hand on their lower backs, he gave encouraging pushes to each of them, guiding them back the way they had just come, then twisting them to the right and towards the exit. Seokwon and I.M remained silent, almost cowed, and he had to wonder if he was giving off more than just a hint of frustration to achieve that. Thankfully, a few moments later they passed through the doors of the building, and the wintery chill hit him refreshingly, knocking the weights from his shoulders, freeing a sigh from within.

“You seem pissed, hyung…” Seokwon ventured at last as Kihyun released his hold on them, stretching his arms over his head with an acknowledging hum.

I.M nodded slowly in agreement, eyeing Kihyun with curiosity. “Yeah, hyung. What was that all about?”

Lowering his arms as they walked down the streets, shoes echoing faintly on the tarmac and paving stones, Kihyun shrugged, a faint, unconscious pout in place. It lessened his intensity, made the two younger boys smile faintly as he appeared more like an annoyed hamster with the way his cheeks puffed up ever so slightly.

“Well, seriously, they’re just going to be stubborn babies about it if I don’t act out a little.” He grumbled, “I don’t know about you, but I’m not having their grudges or pettiness spoiling our chances. They need to get the message that they need to shove everything else away right now – if we ever hope to be pros, we need to just deal, right?”

Seokwon evidently agreed, a bright grin in place as he shoved his chilled hands deep into his trouser pockets, turning to glance hopefully towards the scent of something delicious being cooked a street or two away. “Nah, you’re right, Kihyun-hyung. I dunno about Wonho-hyung, but Jooheon-hyung does get a bit huffy. I figure it’d effect his performance if that carried on.” He glanced back at Kihyun and then more kindly at I.M, grin softening. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing and I’m glad you dragged me with.”

“Just because you know I’ll be treating, right?” Kihyun smirked lightly, also looking over his shoulder at I.M who was unable to contain the smallest of genuine smiles. It was a smile that was warm, inviting, charming on his face. It drew you in and held your hand reassuringly. “You both know that means you’ll be carrying, right?”

“Aw yeah, no worries, hyung! I’m up for heavy lifting if it means free food! Right, Changkyun-sshi?” Seokwon positively bounced on the balls of his feet, skipping ahead a few paces, clearly enamoured with the thought of snacks.

“Yeah… yeah, definitely.” The smile widened effortlessly now, eyes curving from the lifting of his cheeks, and I.M, tucked up in his black coat, catching Kihyun’s eye, melted away and became Changkyun once again. It made Kihyun feel as if he had done so much more than merely try to help the team bond, as if he had acted as some sort of hero, based on the glow to the smile being offered to him.

Changkyun’s voice dropped, a sweet tint of gratefulness weaving into his tone, and a self-conscious hand reached up to push a lock of hair from his eyes. He managed to maintain eye-contact in spite of it all. “Thanks, hyung… for the snacks.”

They both knew it wasn’t about the snacks.

It was such an amusing echo of their night that Kihyun grinned, a dazzling smile that would in years become a trademark for fans, but currently was only bestowed on a rare few who earned it. It was a smile that heated his own heart and made those about him flutter in delight. It had exactly that effect now.

“’course, Changkyun-ah. We’re a team, right?”

_Let’s win this._

Determination. Gratefulness. Warmth. A connection. Irresistible.

“...right. Yeah, we are.”

Their eyes remained locked for an endless beat more.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

A scene of competitiveness between the teams was scheduled and after shuffling their way through it, for it was pretty much scripted in the sense that they were supposed to exchange determined comments, they were free to get to work.

Spread about in a faint circle in the corner of the practice room, the red team listened intently to the file that had been sent to them once more, getting more and more familiar with the beat and melody. The fact that they had to compose lyrics was definitely a fresher idea for the vocalists, who had much less experience with that sort of thing than the rappers. Often, they would practice covers of songs, rather than write their own, whilst of course, the rappers were used to penning their own lyrics. This was certainly shaping up to be quite the experience.

Cross-legged beside Jooheon, Kihyun leaned back against the wall, lost in thought after their seventh listen-through. They remain caked in a long silence after that, one that nobody seemed particularly keen to break. Seokwon clearly felt out of his depth, being the youngest present, and of course I.M was unlikely to even hint a syllable in the sort of atmosphere about them. As for Jooheon, he seemed less cold than before but rather lost; from the corner of his eye, Kihyun noted the way Jooheon kept his eyes dazed, not focused on anyone in particular. It seemed like a promising start, as opposed to making pointed glares or else refusing eye contact with others.

Starting as Wonho shifted closer beside him from one wall to the other, he darted his eyes from Jooheon, realising that at last, as the eldest, Wonho had decided to take charge.

“So,” he began, less aware of the cameras in the other corner than he had been at the start of the process, voice strong, “I think the rappers should get to writing their raps as quickly as possible. As for us vocalists, we should do exactly what hyung said and start thinking about that bridge.” He paused for a moment, surveying them to check their reactions – a kind move, leader-worthy – before asking, “How does that sound?”

He was offered some nods in return: it sounded logical, of course, so there was little to be said about it. Before anything much else can be added, they were thus briefly interrupted by the sound of the other team apparently having some sort of argument. The clamour filtered in about the gap of their faintly ajar room, causing Seokwon and Wonho to jump up, tapping the few steps forward to peer out curiously.

Kihyun was less interested, tilting his head and letting his body flop gently to the side so as to rest his cheek on Jooheon’s shoulder. The boy twisted slightly, angling his shoulder in a more comfortable way, gazing at the door. Across from them, I.M was also staring out, perhaps wondering what sort of mad group of people he had been forced to deal with.

“Well, if they’re really fighting, it’s good for us, right? Still, don’t want to even think of them as any weaker for it – not yet.” Jooheon’s voice was lowered to little more than a murmur, and with the ongoing noise, of raised voices and cold tones, Kihyun was certain he alone heard it.

“You’re right. As always, Jooheonnie, you’re really on it for this sort of thing. I like that you’re so reliable.” Kihyun’s admiration was genuine, not put on at all, and Jooheon, as innocent and precious as a toddler in the light of any praise seemed to swell happily. From the way he bumped his cheek to the top of Kihyun’s head briefly, it was clear his mood was rising. Like a small volt wiring down his system, Kihyun belatedly realised the significance of the moment, stilling momentarily.

Jooheon was a good person through and through; as sweet as he appeared aggressive, he wasn’t the sort to delight in hurting anyone, and both his talents and his common sense suggested that he simply needed a nudge to get on the right track. Now, less blinded by his huffiness, was the moment to give him that push. It really was all that was needed. Afterwards his kind disposition would do the rest.

Breathing in and out once, deeply, Kihyun patted Jooheon’s knee, knowing he ought to keep things simple and to the point. With nobody else looking on, he could afford to do this well. “Jooheonnie?”

“Mm?” The brightness in the boy’s tone was encouraging.

“Can you show our new guy just how reliable you are, too?” Beneath his cheek, he felt the wave of tension roll into Jooheon’s shoulder, patting his knee once again. “You’re more experienced and really good at what you do, so you’ll have to guide him a little, but that’s not really what I’m asking.”

“…” No answer is given, but he could tell his wording had confused Jooheon faintly in the way the young rapper tapped his fingers on the floor in front of him, so he continued.

“What I mean is, all I want you to do is be you.”

That, it seems, was even more baffling, as Jooheon let out a faint laugh and Kihyun could feel him shaking his head, cheek and chin brushing and messing up the top of his head. “I’m always me, hyung! Who else can I be?”

“I mean the real Jooheonnie,” Kihyun pressed, light but insistent, hand stilling on Jooheon’s knee, warm, encouraging. “The one beside me right now. You shine like that, you know, but that light… it’s so much dimmer when you huff or sulk. Show that side of you, please? I’m proud to know him, and I want you to show that person off to the whole world.”

Once again, Jooheon remained silent, and Kihyun, fearing that he had lost, aware of Wonho and Seokwon closing the door as the sounds vanished down the corridor and turning back to them, sighed, defeated by time: they would be separating in a few moments to work in two separate units, of that he was sure.

Sure enough, Wonho asks them to all split up, vocalists and rappers, to go off and work together. They begin to trickle through the door and he managed to catch Jooheon’s eye before the two rappers departed, a split second of eye-contact. The honeyed darkness of Jooheon’s eyes was unreadable before he slid past, and Kihyun found himself hoping that they would, at least, manage to get through the next few hours without arguing.

He’d cling to that hope.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

“He cried, Kihyunnie-hyung… I.M, you know? He… cried…”

Kihyun and Jooheon were sat on the latter’s bed, hidden deep in the shadows of the lower bunk, their eyes faintly reflecting the single lamp lit in the otherwise dark and empty room. Some of the other trainees were together in the living room, and still others remained at the company, penning lyrics, revising the melody, perhaps even training their vocals or dance moves. Having only shortly returned, dazed, sleepy, Kihyun had found himself nearly colliding with Jooheon in the doorway to his room as he made to pass by. Jooheon had clearly only just returned himself, still clad in a soft, puffy jacket, baseball cap in place, and he tugged at Kihyun’s sleeve without a word, pulling him into the deserted room.

Sat side-by-side, Kihyun, feeling the chill of the outdoors still upon his skin, accepted the sudden abduction graciously and tugged Jooheon’s quilt over his lap, hoping to heat up. He stared at Jooheon gently, head tilted in a silent question. It was then that Jooheon told him, without preamble, of the younger rapper’s tears.

Kihyun’s eyebrows rose in surprise, “Jooheonnie, wait – wait – you need to explain more, okay? Why would Changkyun-ah cry? …Do you mean just all of a sudden? For no reason?”

“Well he – I-” Jooheon stumbled over his words for a second and then groaned, frustrated, pulling off his hat and pitching back on his bed, knees still in the air and bent from where he had previously been holding them. His head hit his pillow with a low ‘flump’ and he stared for a moment at the slats of the upper bunk, clearly arranging his thoughts. Kihyun waited patiently, but soon the chill got to him once again and without hesitation he crawled closer to Jooheon’s side, basking in the heat he radiated. After a pregnant pause, Jooheon began again. “Okay, so, look, I listened to what you said. I didn’t want to come across as a dick to anyone watching, or to the kid, either… ‘cause that’s not me, as you said.”

Kihyun nodded, encouraging but silent, prompting Jooheon to continue. “So, we went to that room – you know, the absolutely tiny one? With the keyboard? – yeah – that – and so we sat and… hyung, the silence was so damn awkward. I realised I had to say something, so… I started asking about stuff. Like if he was a trainee anywhere else before, and – well, you know, just small talk. I mean, sure, I was curious, but I suppose even the answer didn’t mean all that much. More the process.”

Jooheon took a deep breath, “I spilled.”

Kihyun raised an eyebrow, sneaking his hands to Jooheon’s side, gripping this jacket, warmed by his body temperature. It was soothing. “What?”

“…that I hadn’t planned to say a word to him. That we should be separate and work alone. But that I had also realised we were the same team, so… we should talk. He stayed all quiet,” Jooheon’s voice now became a slight mumble, and he turned his head on the pillow, gazing at Kihyun. “I kind of was stupidly blunt and asked if he’d been promised to debut before coming on the show-” He smirked faintly as Kihyun stiffened, evidently curious, as he fiddled with the folds of fabric restlessly. “Yeah. _That_. That I was interested in, too. But he said no.”

Kihyun remained silent as Jooheon began to shift guiltily. “You know, I reckon it’s because he was so quiet that I ran my mouth a bit… Said it was all a little odd, what with Kwangji being eliminated. Fact he was suddenly brought on so late in the game… I mean, it was all stuff I was thinking, and I ‘spose being honest was better than being all two-faced about it, but maybe I went a bit strong. Eventually I said he’d just have to work harder than anyone else.”

“To prove it wrong?”

“I mean, yeah… Not just for us, but for anyone else watching, you know? And…” Jooheon’s mouth twisted and his eyes seemed to shine brightly for a moment, as if wet. “You know, the kid said he was grateful… that I opened up to him. Said he knew it was hard for everyone to do that and then…” Jooheon swallowed, loudly, and sniffed.

“Ah… Jooheon-ah, you’re such a baby.” Kihyun smiled at last, fingers releasing Jooheon’s jacket to move to rub soothing circles into the rapper’s arm. “You did good. Thank you.”

There was a long, calm sort of pause whilst Jooheon blinked hard to remove the mistiness from his eyes, now training his gaze on the bunk above once again. Eventually he felt strong enough to continue.

“Hyung – thanks.”

That threw Kihyun, and he laughed in surprise. “Why’re you thanking me? You’re the one who talked to him.”

“Kihyun-hyung, you made my head clearer and I could see more. That’s why.” Jooheon spoke earnestly, able to look Kihyun in the eye again. “I saw him – Changkyun-sshi – in front of me, not some sort of faceless usurper. I realised I was being a little mean and… having you guys proud of me means a lot, you know? I wanted to keep things that way… so. That’s why I was able to be honest and talk with him.”

“Just gave you a push.” Kihyun shrugged dismissively, but internally he was glowing. “I know you’d have done it all eventually. Our Jooheonnie’s a good one.”

“I… I’m proud of you, too, you know.” Kihyun stilled at Jooheon’s words, blinking, and he found Jooheon grinning, that bright, cheerful grin that made his eyes nearly vanish. “You’re really like a pillar, hyung, and you set me right. Thanks. I needed that.”

It was so kind, saccharine, that Kihyun couldn’t resist dropping forward to hug Jooheon about the middle tightly, flattered, grateful. “…Jooheon-ah, you shouldn’t say stuff like that. You’ll make me want to never leave.”

Jooheon’s answering laugh could be felt in his chest and stomach, and he brought his arms down on Kihyun’s back, keeping him in place. “Then stay! It’s nice and warm, and we’re both tired as shit anyway, right?”

“With the way you snore, Jooheon-ah? I thought you were thankful to me, not that you wanted to punish me with poor sleep.” Kihyun drawled lowly, burying his face in Jooheon’s stomach before lifting it to smirk at Jooheon’s indignant huff.

“Hey now, it’s not that bad.”

“I’ll hold you to that, just because I really need a nap anyhow and it’s getting hard to move. You’ll owe me something if you wake me, though.” Kihyun’s eyes glittered competitively as he rolled to the side closest to the wall.

Buoyed up and throwing returning sparks of competitiveness, Jooheon grinned, eyes crinkling. “You’re on. Just wait. You’ll be so zonked out you won’t wake up until tomorrow morning and then you’ll freak. Sleeping next to Jooheon is like another level experience!”

It truly was.

One which resulted in poor, sensitive sleeper Kihyun grumbling under his breath as he grumpily, and not too gently, crawled over Jooheon to go take a shower, brush his teeth and retreat to his own room barely forty-five minutes later. He’d even resisted the noise passing through his friend’s lips for a good ten of those minutes, to no avail.

The next day, many of the trainees wondered why Jooheon was dressed in a bright pink sweater with a blushing smiley face on it. Undeniably cute, it hardly fit the hip-hop image Jooheon always tried to push since the show began.

To their questions, he only pouted, caught Kihyun’s eye and shrugged, resigned but polite, “I made a deal.” His charisma even made the top seem to work out with the rest of his look, even when it desperately shouldn’t.

Yes indeed, Kihyun was definitely proud of Jooheon for many, many reasons.

Changkyun was just the start of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yup, there we go! It feels nice to get some softness for Changkyunnie within all the awkward coldness he must have been feeling back then. Accurate of not, it does make me feel a heck of a lot better... If nothing else, we know Kihyun is competitive and always focuses on what is good for the team. I can't imagine this being any different back in No.Mercy when he and Changkyun were put on the same team.
> 
> I've switched to past tense fully, so I will at some point go back and edit everything earlier to comply with that. I've found present just isn't for me and it reads awkwardly in my head. 
> 
> You'll notice I keep pushing that feeling of fate and the attraction between Changkyun and Kihyun throughout this. I do like to think that even from a friendship point of view the similarities between them just helped them to click a lot. The fact that they both keep naming each other as 'the member I would date if I was a girl'/ 'the member I'd date if they were a girl' (remember how Changkyun answered at a fansign just a few weeks back?} certainly doesn't help limit my thinking there! They clearly get on so, so well!
> 
> I really want to post the other era stuff I mentioned at the start, as it does allow for some fluffier (ahem, actually pretty intense) moments between these two - and of course, they're both pretty much ready to go! - but then, it's better to wait for good things, right? I'll be getting time off in about a week and a half and my work load will finally chill out, so I'll try to utilise that time to write like the wind and start closing down those gaps!
> 
> Anyway, forgive any mistakes in this and my ongoing self indulgence!   
Much love! Stay strong, monbebe <3


	6. Track 5: I’m fine thank you and you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jooheon and Changkyun's early friendship is cute and compliments make them awkward. It feels like a positive start within the Red Team as slowly everything between them clicks into place. Still, Changkyun is young and the guilt that comes with entering the competition keeps ebbing and flowing at just the worst moments. Kihyun, noticing, tries his best to help out. It's for the good of the team. It's for the little brother he never had. It's for... that part of him that actually is beginning to think Changkyun is just a cute kid in his own right. Without knowing, he starts to become a tiny light for Changkyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title lyrics from Blue Moon, for anyone wondering! 
> 
> I speed wrote this. It feels like the flow is beginning to come back? Each evening after getting into bed and starting to drift off to sleep, I made a point of typing a bit here and there, and somehow we've got to the right place - wherever that is! Do forgive any mistakes as a result of that. I've had a read through, but I can imagine missing letters for names, or whatever else will be rife!
> 
> So in this Changkyun's weighed down a lot by guilt. As much as he wanted to act like it's all water off a duck's back, I've portrayed him as plunging into waves of guilt and self doubt a few times here, even with his team mates being decent towards him. Wonho said in that same fancon VCR where Kihyun said Changkyun filled him with pity and he always wanted a little brother, that often Changkyun was depressed and teary at this time, so that's where my ideas stem from. I'll save open tears in front of other members for later on... Although part of me would rather avoid it...
> 
> Once again, thank you for comments and cheers! Your support makes me feel as if I'm writing something half-way decent! <3 I've read them all, even if I've yet to respond. Your words are amazing and really help get me moving and typing.

Working with Jooheon was inspiring, Changkyun quickly found.

He was realising very rapidly why so many of the trainees seemed to refer to the boy as a genius. Clever and easy with his lyrics, aggressive in just the right measure with his beats and rhythm, Jooheon could mix in English words and phrases in an appealing sort of way at this early stage in his career and just seemed like an all-rounder in everything he did.

After their first real exchange a couple of days before, Jooheon had softened his attitude towards Changkyun marvellously. Whilst he was yet to treat him as a friend, he was far more open and helpful than expected, giving critical comments to help Changkyun improve in a way that facilitated him taking two steps forward after any small set back. He appreciated whatever had made Jooheon come to the conclusion to work with him, because man, was he learning a whole lot!

Glancing over at Jooheon now in the tiny studio, he saw the talented rapper tapping his pen on his notebook with a faint frown that left him wondering what was wrong. He was sure Jooheon had more or less finished his rap and, with only perhaps an hour left before they had to meet up with the rest of the group and then head on to the recording studio to meet their mentors, it didn’t seem particularly good to be having second thoughts.

Feeling shy, a sense of being overwhelmed by what felt like a mild supremacy, as if Jooheon was standing at the precipice of a vast, craggy mountain, and he was only at the very foothills, Changkyun swallowed his nerves away. Perhaps, somehow, he could help out. He wanted to offer, if nothing else.

“Hyung… are you okay?” His voice emerged a bit husky from lack of use.

“Hmm…?” Jooheon took a moment to recognise the question, so deeply consumed by thought, his stare at the paper strong enough to set fire to it, but after a belated few seconds he wrenched himself away. “Ah, sorry, what is it?”

“Are you okay? You seem unhappy about something.” Changkyun repeated, rolling closer on his chair, keeping his hands clasped on his lap. “Weren’t you done yesterday? What’s up?”

“Ah…” Jooheon shrugged, “Yeah, well. It’s just this one part that really doesn’t feel right, you know? I guess I can’t do much about it now, but it’s really pissing me off. I feel like it’s such a tiny thing and it feels _so_ close….” He raised his hand, bumping his forehead with the heel of his palm in frustration, lifting an apologetic grimace to Changkyun. “Sorry ‘bout that. Did you need something?”

“No, uh…” Awkward, a throb of fear of rejection beating in the back of his head, Changkyun’s words felt clumsy somehow. “I was just wondering… Since you’ve helped me out a lot, hyung, is there a chance I could help you back?”

Jooheon’s eyebrows rose momentarily, and there was the faintest flicker of confusion, of surprise, before it vanished into a crinkle of a smile in his eyes.

“You know what? Sure, I’d like that. Get your butt over here and let me hear what you think.” Changkyun’s heart leapt with excitement, and his face brightened considerably as Jooheon himself reached out to catch the back of Changkyun’s chair and pull him the last foot or so closer. “Who knows, your feedback might be just what I need.”

Oddly enough, it seemed to be just that. After Changkun asked a simple question about one word in particular, Jooheon’s face cleared, storm clouds pushed by a spring breeze, and he bounced in his seat, patting Changkyun on the shoulder. “Shit, I got it!” At once he dived back to his paper, scribbling something intensely, and then, proud, he kicked back in his chair and spun it around with his arms outstretched, as if praise was pouring on him like rivers of wine.

“I was only kidding when I said you might be what I needed, but man, you really were! Thanks, kid!”

Jooheon’s eyes had sunk shut, so Changkyun was free to grin in turn. He rubbed the back of his head, pleased and shy, the tips of his ears warm.

“Nah, it was nothing. You’re really amazing at this stuff, hyung.”

“Lay it on me thicker, Changkyun-ah, I loooovvve it!” Jooheon swirled his chair around once more, laughing a little, sinking so fully into the praise that he didn’t mind dropping some formality. He at last opened an eye, slowing down and coming to a stop in his spin. “You know… It’s actually been cool working with you so far.” The air between them turned mildly embarrassed at the honesty that startled them both, and Jooheon quickly stood, indicating the door to help them escape it. In the slight gloom of the studio, they could hide their tiny smiles. “Should we go find the others? I guess there’s not all that long left.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Jooheon pressed him out of the door ahead of him, turning off the lights and shutting it smartly behind them. It left Changkyun feeling light, useful, cheerful almost.

It was a shame that the positivity wasn’t to last.

Later at the recording studio, they were told that their parts would be listened to and then, potentially, the mentors would redistribute based on the performances they heard. Living up to his nickname, Jooheon was prodigious in his recording, effortless almost, in making just the right tones and stressing the words in just the right way. That in itself was intimidating to watch, but the gushing of the mentors only added weight to the pressure Changkyun suddenly felt on his shoulders.

For a while he’d been sat beside Kihyun, which had somehow calmed him, but as Jooheon performed so well, as he heard the great comments from the three older idols before them, he felt himself shrink nervously. Going in to perform his part after Jooheon was terrible considering all of that.

It was a recipe for disaster.

Confidence already shaky, it weakened the moment the criticisms and the focus on the way he said a particular phrase came barrelling his way in the recording booth.

“The way you say ‘wait a minute’… Can you change that? It doesn’t sound cool when you bring the words up like that.” Mad Clown’s statement was fine – it really was. Only- “Can you work on the ‘minute’?”

Still, he tried again.

“You know how you sway to the rhythm? That doesn’t look good at all.” The second jab made Changkyun bite at his lip, feeling miles away from safety and support.

“I think it’ll sound better if you pronounce it more clearly,” commented Giriboy, probably not intending any harm, but the comment made Changkyun feel even more insignificant. The pressure was getting heavier.

Repeat. Repeat.

Behind the glass, the mentors didn’t look any happier by the end, and when he at last came back Changkyun felt as though the air had been knocked from his lungs. Jooheon kept his eyes down on his own paper, though Seokwon and Kihyun looked up at him. Seokwon merely looked terrified, perhaps of how he might be treated when he went in, but Kihyun’s expression was unreadable. Not cold, not sympathetic – just, nothing?

It sent Changkyun into another roll of thunderous pressure and loneliness. He sat down silently, pulled lower by the gravity about him tugging at his mind, chewing his tongue unhappily. He hardly noticed the criticisms given to Wonho, criticisms perhaps worse than those directed at him.

“I don’t know much about singing but… this sucks, right?”

He didn’t notice the way they sighed, or the way hair was tugged, glasses adjusted and faces hidden in mild exasperation. None of it reached him as he dwelled on his own weakness and failure. The team slipped away from his sight, instead he was alone in being looked down on.

Deeply, he fell, as if through curtains of shadow, into his own world of self-doubt and criticism. He was supposed to perform better than that… What with the fact he’d been brought on midway, how badly would the audience look down on him? How badly were the other trainees judging him right now? Would it spread to the other team? Would his fleeting connections with the few who’d started to accept him snap instantly now? Was that… it? Dark, dark thoughts swirled in his head, noxious and thick, clouding his vision, his senses, causing his fingers to curl into the fabric of his sleeves, tensed, as he stared down into nothingness. The pressure was tinged with a fearful numbness. He wouldn’t give up, but he did hate the idea of being completely alone again through all of this. It was fine if they weren’t friends with him, but if, after this, they suddenly chose to ignore him completely…

Soft fingertips grazed the back of one hand, jolting his vision, letting him see once more, catching the movement as they gently trailed to his own. The fog vanished. Each point of contact was like a sun drop melting the frozen ice that had entered into his hands, hands that had been going numb from the tightness of their own grip. Slowly, as if dealing with a frightened animal that may bolt or snap if startled, the fingers worked their way under his, unhooking the painful grip they had about the fabric, so strong they’d dug into his skin. Painful…? That came as a surprise. Changkyun hadn’t realised he’d been doing that. His eyes flickered up, blinking rapidly, and he realised it was Kihyun.

Sat beside him all along, the vocalist had evidently noticed what he’d been doing and taken that moment to intervene. His dark eyes were waiting for Changkyun’s, and the moment they met, his eyebrows furrowed, lips set. Kihyun shook his head so minutely it was near impossible for anyone else to note it. Kihyun’s hand remained in his for a long moment, allowing a feeling of calm to envelop him, and then slipped away, as did his gaze. But it was enough.

He could breathe again.

Changkyun stared for a second more and then felt his shoulders slump. The smoke in his mind cleared and the unpleasant thoughts, though not banished entirely, were pushed to the back of his awareness as he returned to the present. He had to be stronger. He had to pay attention.

“Wonho-yah, this isn’t working out. You might as well just quit. I told you to practice yesterday,” Jooyoung’s sharp quip was enough to send the rest of the room reeling, and just as he’d wilted himself, Changkyun returned to reality in time to see Wonho’s shoulders sink sadly. It seemed to get even worse for the eldest member of the group, with a second disappointed snap thrown his way when it was revealed he couldn’t immediately switch parts due to a lack of familiarity.

“Get out there and practice that one.”

The tension in the air was heavy, the mentors clearly half-way done with them. All of the trainees held their tongues and Changkyun noted the same stiff shoulders on all of them, even Jooheon who’d been endlessly praised.

“You know, I think we can just see this as part of the audition process…” Mad Clown murmured at last, catching the attention of the two men on either side of him. “They don’t all have to take part? Our priority is making a good song, so if we make some cuts…” His words trailed off, ominous.

Seokwon cringed in on himself. Jooheon twitched.

Just _great_.

Changkyun chanced a glance at Kihyun, expecting to see a similar reaction. Instead he was met with a surprised expression morphing into one of competitive determination. Those dark, soft eyebrows lowered and his mouth was a stern line. His eyes positively sparkled. It was an expression that seemed to say “just try it.” For Kihyun, it was clear that the criticism of one was the criticism of them all. The threat to one having their lines cut, was a threat to them all. They weren’t there to stand alone for this task, but as one.

It was awe-inspiring. It made Changkyun feel as if a tiny lantern had been lit in the gloomiest of nights, guiding his way, winking out at him again each time he thought he was lost, warm, fiery and glowing. Just for him.

Changkyun stared some more.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

“That was my first-time recording… I couldn’t monitor myself properly…” The shame in Wonho’s voice was palpable, even hours later, but there was nevertheless a flicker of fight that hadn’t existed when he’d been criticised earlier. The rest of the group, gathered comfortingly near to each other in their allocated practice room nodded understandingly and Jooeheon cleared his throat.

“I think we all had something that didn’t quite go our way today,” he mused, retrospective and kind. “I definitely didn’t like the way I did one or two things, so I’ll work harder for next time.” His ambitious flare earned a few grins; despite how well he’d done, it was evident he was his own worst critic, and that was what helped him to soar to newer and greater heights each time he performed.

“Don’t forget, within all this we need to get moving with the choreography, too,” Kihyun piped up, turning his gaze upon them all to impress the importance of it. “So as much as we need to work on our individual stuff, can we work out a schedule now to practice that together? Same for some live vocal performances.”

“Sounds good! I pick it up quick, but we gotta be pretty slick with the standard now, don’t we?” Seokwon stretched his arms over his head, fingers laced together, a few joints clicking as he tilted from one side to the other. “Changkyun-sshi wanted us to go over the parts we share straight after this meeting, but we’d be up for getting some dance practice in after, right?”

Changkyun nodded swiftly, “Yeah, definitely. I’m up for as much practice as we need.”

“Then that’s what we’ll do,” confirmed Wonho with a thoughtful nod, making a few notes in a notebook he’d started for the team a few days back. “We’ll get together in, say, an hour and a half, and then… Should we go for a good half of each day going forward? The other team…” He drifted off, biting his lip.

“…has guys like Shownu-hyung and Hyungwon-ah. Yeah, you’re right, hyung. It’s wise for us to be cautious. They probably already have an edge there.” Kihyun finished off Wonho’s unsaid words smoothly. His expression was cool, reassuring, and he exuded a relaxing sort of atmosphere from a flick of his inky, chestnut eyes alone. “Any time we can spare for dance we use. Deal?”

“Deal.”

The unified chorus emitted from each mouth was satisfying somehow. Unplanned but timed to perfection, it got a grin on every single face.

“Aw yeah, if this isn’t a sign of things to come! Look at this team – we’re gonna do great!” Jooheon clapped his hands in delight, bouncing to his feet with renewed energy. “Okay, guys. One hour and a half and then practice room A! Let’s get it, come on!”

With a cheer, echoed by them all, he buzzed from the room with vigour, likely off to practice through his parts once more. Genius or not, his relentless passion to work hard was commendable.

Seokwon and Changkyun exchanged glances and a nod, turning to the older two members of the group.

“Hyung, we’re-”

Seokwon was cut off by a nod from Wonho, “Sure, sure. Do your best, you two.” Wonho paused, and then cleared his throat, taking a breath, speaking with such a solemn expression it was as if he was about to impart life wisdom upon them. “Seokwon-ah, Changkyun-sshi, let us know if you want us to listen to anything, okay? Ow-!”

Wonho let out an injured whine as Kihyun jabbed his side with an elbow, the gentle, affectionate smile on his face at sharp odds with his action. The two younger boys twitched in sympathy.

“What Hoseokkie-hyung _meant_ to say was ‘Seokwon-ah, Changkyun-_ah_, please let us know if we can lend an ear.’” Kihyun patted Wonho on the shoulder absent-mindedly as the taller man continued to mumble under his breath about the supposed pain, “Good luck, okay?”

“Thanks, hyung,” Seokwon chirped, trying hard not to laugh as he began to lead the way out of the room.

Changkyun covertly looked over his shoulder as they went, wondering if the two would bicker once they had left. Wonho was allowing his façade of acting as maturely as possible as the eldest slip, letting his bottom lip jut out childishly as his already larger than average eyes seemed to wobble. He looked like a precious, over-sized child.

Kihyun rolled his eyes at the display, but had already reached out to massage Wonho’s ear comfortingly.

“That was mean, Kihyunnie…”

“Yes, and _that _wasn’t cute, hyung. You deserved it. Don’t go acting as if it was even that hard…”

“Well, with _your_ elbows-”

“…Oh, I didn’t realise they were that bad. Can we test it out again just to be sure?”

“What – no, I mean – well, I mean-”

The sound of faint laughter mixing with stuttering that turned into a giggle was the last thing he caught of their conversation.

They were clearly close.

Changkyun hoped he could build some friendships like that eventually.

The next 80 minutes or so were well spent, with repetition after repetition of the joined few parts Changkyun and Seokwon shared being drilled to near perfection by the end. They discussed the tone, the pitch and the way the volume impacted on their overall sound. Neither of them was naïve enough to believe that they would be as good as they were by the end of the session the next day, and so Seokwon’s suggestion that they have another few run throughs each day going on was agreed to at once. Still, within their hard work, they laughed a bit, they joked. It was pleasant, like bubbles rising in a foam bath, warming and gentle, and ever so slightly filled with giddiness. Changkyun was so pumped up, he was willing to endure the many times he was certain to slip up in their choreography practice with good humour. For now, his black humour from the recording studio was long forgotten.

After a bright sounding high-five, Changkyun and Seokwon began their trip back to the practice room with light steps. The nearer they approached, the trailing echoes of music wisped their way to them along the shiny-floored, echoing corridor.

It was the sound of their track.

Exchanging panicked expressions, fearful that somehow they’d misread the time and were late, both boys sprinted towards the practice room, sliding the last few feet with a painful skidding squeak of trainer bottoms on tiled flooring, upon noticing Jooheon before the door.

“Why d’you look as if you’re from the other team trying to steal our moves, Jooheonnie-hyung?” Seokwon’s bewildered question caused Jooheon, who, indeed, was leaning forward, spy-like, to peer through the window in the door to the room, to jump with a yelp. He turned to Seokwon and Changkyun with his smiley-eyes popping large. “Why don’t you just head on in?”

“Ahaha… You almost killed me Seokwon-ah, thanks!” Jooheon’s false cheer thinly veiled the promise of retribution, and he shrugged after a moment, hand on his heart. “Just didn’t feel like interrupting when they were working so hard, you know?” Indicating the door with a nod, Jooheon folded his arms and regarded it once more, watching what was happening inside again. “’sides, I knew I’d get back up soon with you two on the way. It’s hard to just charge on in - look.”

Curiosity piqued, both the younger boys shuffled forward, so all three of their faces were pressed to the glass as they peered in. Within, Wonho and Kihyun were dancing the choreography they’d been working on with the choreographer for the past couple of days. More specifically, they were dancing one segment again and again, with the sort of ferocity and determination that, as Jooheon had pointed out, warned off interruption.

They must have set the track to loop on that segment, as every 30 seconds or so it repeated, allowing the two to reattempt the few moves they had honed in on without interruption.

“Arm needs to be a little higher, Kihyun-ah. Match my angle more!” Wonho’s command was infinitely more leader-like than the soft complaints they had heard when they left earlier. For his part, Kihyun wasn’t teasing any longer but determined, focused, a serious frown in place.

“Got it – like this?” Pausing mid step, Kihyun lifted his arm, staring at Wonho in the mirror, who also paused, staring critically.

“Almost – here.” Stepping closer, he reached out to adjust Kihyun’s arm firmly before moving to the side and mimicking the pose. “Looks better, right?”

Kihyun nodded, analysing their now identical position, tilting his head as if to memorise it more fully. “Yup. So, again?”

“Again.”

At the next loop both jumped into the thread of movements once again, and this time each stitch was smooth, each angle was near perfect. In the mirror, Wonho could be seen smiling in satisfaction, and a flicker of a grin reached Kihyun’s lips as they came to a stop.

“Again, hyung.” Ignoring the slight breathlessness in his voice, Kihyun was nodding emphatically at Wonho who seemed to hesitate.

“You’ll be tired…”

“It doesn’t matter, I’ll work through it. Come on. I don’t want to hold the others up and they’ll be here soon – please?” The softer, pleading tone was harder to pick up over the music. Changkyun strained his ears to catch it.

“You know, Kihyun-hyung works hard on his singing. Like insanely hard. You wouldn’t know it, because he always just seems so good.” Jooheon’s voice came from Changkyun’s right, quiet but pensive as the three watched their hyungs practice the segment once again. “But yeah, hours and hours he goes at it. Thing is, he works doubly hard at his dance ‘cause he thinks he sucks at it.” A sigh, like a breath of wind. “I think he wants to be perfect in everything.”

“How long have they been doing that?” Changkyun started when he realised the question had passed from his own lips, surprised as he was so focused on watching the two run through yet another repetition of the same part of the dance. When did his brain find the time to make him speak?

“I got here super early – like 10 minutes ago – so at least that. And to be honest, it looked like they’d been working on just that for ages.” Jooheon laughed lightly, “Our little hyung is stubborn. It’s cute, right?” He cocked his head at both Seokwon and Changkyun, puppy-like, before finally squaring his shoulders and chanting. “Okay – okay, okay, _o~kay_!” Slapping his hands sharply on his cheeks once, he clicked his neck. “Let’s get in there. Can’t let them be the only ones stealing the show!”

With that, Jooheon pushed the door open with energy, calling out in a way that suggested that they had all just arrived and not been lurking outside for the past 7 minutes. “Woah, why’re you both here already? Are we late?”

Seokwon patted Changkyun’s arm with a significant wink and also bounded in as Wonho wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead and moved to pause the track; Kihyun beamed at them, chest rising and falling rapidly. Seokwon put on an innocent tone of mock-betrayal, “Hey, no fair, did you guys get a head start? I thought we’d be doing it together?”

Changkyun followed, chewing at the inside of his lip thoughtfully. The room was a mix of the scent of something clean and radiating heat, of bouncing lights on shimmering floor. The mirrors stretched on, reflecting his expression as he pondered, an alternate reality that seemed to float.

He found the image of Kihyun’s blushing ears as he’d been complimented on that morning they’d shared after that fateful night swimming in his head. Suddenly the false confidence and playful bravado was clear for what it was – a front for someone who truly believed they could and should do better. For all that hard work, for all the words of the judges, you’d have thought he knew how good he was… Instead, the genuine delight and flush suggested he’d been absolutely overwhelmed with the compliment.

Changkyun stared at Kihyun, folding his arms as the young man made a point of approaching and greeting him. “Changkyun-ah! How was it? Hope you’re not tired. We’ve got a long night ahead of us!” That smile again. The one he’d been bestowed a number of times now. It made something stir in his stomach.

He had to battle the thought that’d he’d like to shower his hyung with endless compliments, like summer rain, down into the abyss of his mind – really, where the hell was that coming from? – before he managed to return the greeting politely. “Hi, hyung. No worries, I promise to do my best.” Pointedly, he ignored the fact that Kihyun was the one that looked tired. He didn’t think it would be appreciated if it was mentioned. Instead, he voiced with honesty something else, meeting the eyes that were slowly becoming more familiar to him, the signature of the irises, of known bursts of star dust, “I’m not the best dancer… But I’ll work really hard to be better. That’s okay, right?”

Kihyun blinked at him. His shoulders seemed to slump as if the tension in them had evaporated before he laughed, a cheerful, cute laugh that spoke of sunshine when it was raining; he gave Changkyun an embarrassed smirk that seemed to suggest he knew exactly what had been happening moments before outside the practice room and he was grateful for the kind attempt at relating. “Yeah. Neither am I. Let’s work hard together.” With a knowing quirk of an eyebrow, Kihyun added, “C’mon. Let me show you what Hoseok-hyung helped me with.”

Changkyun’s lips twitched into a small smile, one only for the person before him.

“Thanks, hyung.”

♫♪♪♫♫♪

Kihyun would often think that in many ways the days they spent practicing, locked up in pairs or threes in rooms singing parts and planning ad-libs, getting together as a whole team to dance or sing, were some of the most tiring he had experienced thus far. It seemed that their team had somehow clicked well enough that their teamwork wasn’t hampered by any major issues, but it was still plain to see in his eyes that Changkyun appeared to feel an extra sort of burden compared to the rest of them.

Kihyun often thought about the way the youngster had practically stabbed his arms with his nails in the recording studio after being criticised; it gave him an uncomfortable heaviness in the pit of his stomach. The bright lights, the watching host of cameramen, the unthinkingly critical voices of their mentors… he had flicked his eyes to the side after catching the faint movement of the boy beside him tensing, and it was then that he had spotted the glazed eyes, the tight hands. It disturbed him, the fresh waves of sympathy that lapped at his insides, and at once he’d put a stop to it, the skin-to-skin contact almost as soothing to himself as it had clearly been to Changkyun.

Since that moment, he’d watched the boy more carefully.

Pleased as he was that Jooheon smiled at Changkyun, that Seokwon seemed to treat him kindly, that Hoseok, although still unable to reach the point of true friendliness yet, was polite and encouraging, he didn’t like Changkyun’s reactions each time he seemed to judge himself as doing something wrong or not well enough.

He wasn’t particularly expressive about it, but Kihyun, watching him as a mother might her youngest son, noted each and every moment. A slip in his dance? Changkyun would frown minutely and it would linger for dozens of minutes. A mistake in his pitch when rapping? Changkyun’s shoulders would tense. A criticism from another member – albeit out of kindness? Changkyun’s eyes would darken and become distant. Kihyun recognised the fact that Changkyun was probably overdoing the self-criticisms and disappointment in himself, because he was wont to do it to himself, too.

Changkyun was a mirror. It felt painful to watch. As a perfectionist, Kihyun never thought he was good enough. It seemed that Changkyun, weighed down by the expectations that came with entering the show so late, with the guilt forced upon him by the initial reactions of every single other competitor, was mentally torturing himself.

Of course, the others didn’t much notice. Why would they? With it all hidden so well, Changkyun delivering quite solidly regardless, and a general sense of quiet harmony within the team, what reason had they to look so closely? Why draw back the curtain of the stage to see the chaos behind?

With all this, it was perhaps unsurprising that Kihyun slowly but surely found himself gravitating more and more to the rapper, an irresistible need to comfort, encourage and look after him surging again and again. It made him feel useful whenever he managed to make the delicate pinch of a frown vanish; it made him feel a pulse of bubbled heat each time he made those hazed eyes focus again on him. It made him feel as if he was doing a good job and had an adorable younger brother each time Changkyun came seeking him out. He’d always wanted one, and told his mother as much many times when he’d been younger.

That night, the final night before the live performance the next day, they sat leaning against the mirrors of the dance practice room, the glassy coolness of the smooth surfaces an absolute miracle to the fiery heat that lingered in their muscles, the damp sweat running all over their skin. It was past one in the morning and, thinking they really had done their best and hoping to conserve some energy to really give it their all that evening, the red team had finally called a halt to their rehearsals.

Hoseok had moved over to the sound system and shut it all off, the only one still able to walk without overly shaky legs, before letting out a tiny groan and dropping to the floor. “I think we really have done our best, everyone. There’s no way we can have any regrets after all this.” He mopped his absolutely shining forehead with a sleeve.

Jooheon, croaky, flat on his face on the floor made a deep sort of moan of agreement. His voice sounded as if it came from the next room over, “’s right. We’ve really put our all into this. Now all I want is to sleep.”

“Yeah, same… but we can’t here, Jooheon-hyung. Please get up? And then… help me up?” To Jooheon’s right, Seokwon lay spread-eagled on his back, wispy and delicate looking, like a freshly sprouted plant torn by violent winds. His hair was a tornado on his head. “I can’t feel my legs anymore…”

“Hah… well, I can’t feel my anything anymore, so I think you should be the one helping me, right? The younger kids should help the older ones at times like these.” Jooheon’s playful retort faded away into a sigh. “Wonder if Starship could get some trolleys and wheel us home?”

Kihyun found himself releasing a breathless giggle at the idea, dropping his head back to rest on the surface of the mirror, regarding the still body a few metres away. “Wishful thinking, Jooheon-ah. I think we’ll have to fend for ourselves.”

“Shit, you’re right… Just – give me a minute. I’ll make it – I so want to win this thing, so- Let me get my batteries going.”

Seokwon exchanged a hopeful smile with Hoseok at the thought of winning, and Kihyun’s head turned, eyes on the body emanating heat beside him. Unlike the tired but positive expressions before them, Changkyun looked tired, certainly, but stony-faced. Kihyun’s gaze quickly moved over the tiny signs of heavy, chilled fear, the unseeing eyes that numbed whatever they fell on. He had an inkling of what might be going on in Changkyun’s head.

As sleepy conversation begun to break out and hum between the other members, Kihyun tentatively reached out a hot hand to poke at Changkyun’s soft cheek, calling him away, beckoning him, back from the shadowed paths of his mind. “Changkyun-ah… you okay? Tired?”

A belated blink and Changkyun returned, starting and staring at Kihyun as if he’d forgotten completely that they’d sat beside each other a moment ago. As if Kihyun’s voice had echoed and found its way to him over centuries of time, and not from a handful of centimetres away. “Ah…. Ah! No, well, just a little.” The tiniest note of panic, as if fearful his mind might be read, he forced a smile.

“Were you thinking about tomorrow? Are you scared?” Kihyun pressed on, his careful eyes watching.

“Sure… sure. I mean, who doesn’t want to win?” Changkyun seemed lost, unsure, and answered swiftly, perhaps judging that for the best. “Yeah, I mean… I’d _really_ like us to win.” His fringe fell forward, heavy, slightly wet, darkening his face, his voice falling, softer, nervous and uncertain. For most others, none of that would have been seen in his tone. Kihyun, however, read it without fail.

Pity.

Arms tired and sore, body resenting the thought of moving closer to a burning source of heat when it was still desperately trying to cool down, Kihyun shifted, pressing himself right up to Changkyun’s side. He wound an arm around shoulders, sensing the stiffness there, the way Changkyun tensed up beside him, like a spring winding tighter. It’s hot. It’s damp. But as he winds an arm up about the boy’s shoulders, fingers messing into ebony locks and pressing their heads together so that the knock together somewhere above the temple, he found he didn’t regret it at all.

“It’s heavy, isn’t it?” Kihyun’s eyes, trained dead ahead, shut so that it felt less embarrassing. Beside him, Changkyun seemed to buzz with some sort of energy. Perhaps unhappiness at being held close? Or fear?

“Huh? What – what is?”

He heard the stutter in that deep voice and smiled faintly. “That expectation. I want to win too, and I keep thinking it’ll be my fault if we lose. Don’t you?”

Changkyun remained quiet, but his shivering stopped as if a button had been pressed. Instead, the spring coiled all the tighter.

“But you know, we really have all tried our best. If we lose, it’ll be because the others were somehow a little better, and not ‘cause we didn’t deserve it.”

“…” Tighter. Tighter.

Fearing the burning body in his hold might burst, Kihyun ran his hands in a stroke through Changkyun’s hair. It was like caressing a cat, those tufts of un-styled hair as soft as fur.

“Changkyun-ah, if we lose, _we _lose. It’s not you who lost. It’s _us_. It won’t be your fault. It’ll be _ours_.” As he spoke, there was a visible change, a melting. The shoulders under his arm were softening, the torso starting to lean into him. “Another thing,” he continued, soothing, pleasant, almost as if he were talking to himself, “if we win – which I still think we will – it’ll be _our_ win.”

Finally, no resistance.

“We’re a team, yeah?”

“…yeah. Yeah. I wonder what was going on in my head…” Changkyun responded at last, voice as steady as his body now appeared weak. The weight leaning into Kihyun was hot and exhausted, but Changkyun seemed to have finally left his head, and that was a relief.

“Same thing as goes through all our heads… You know, we all felt really guilty when the others were eliminated after team tasks. It feels worse than when we’re full on competing one on one…” Kihyun felt his own tension drain away now that he was being heard. Within all the sleepy aching, it felt as if he were slipping into a dream. Maybe he really was beginning to fall asleep? “I guess it has to happen this way, though, after all, debut means an idol group. We’re not going solo, are we?”

“That’s true… I just don’t – I don’t want to be the one who-”

_Who causes someone else to go home._

A long pause followed this. Unsaid, perhaps, but not unheard.

This time, Kihyun felt the sickening annoyance in the pit of his stomach, the one that would have been directed at Changkyun had his compassion not won that first night. Changkyun wasn’t just referring to their team losing and someone being eliminated; he was talking about someone being eliminated from the other team, too, should they win. He was naming himself as reason for it all. All for the fact that he had joined – the _outsider_.

The tiny, remaining bitterness in Kihyun hissed, poisonous, snake-like at the thought. For a second it reared up and then just as quickly it drowned in utter disgust, a plunging, icy lake of it. It wasn’t Changkyun’s fault. None of it was. The fact that Kihyun had even thought it for a moment repulsed him and he longed to make up for it.

This time, his voice was firmer than ever. Firm not just for Changkyun, but firm for himself, too. “It won’t be. Changkyunnie…” His eyes opened again, heedless of the ridiculous proximity between them, his head turning. A jumpy turn of velvet pulling beneath his hand was all the warning he received that Changkyun had also turned to stare in response, shocked by the cuter nickname directed at him. “It’s us. It’s Hoseokkie-hyung and Jooheon-ah and Seokwon-ah. It’s you, Changkyunnie, and me. It’s our win, our loss, our fault. _Us_…. Okay?”

Something moved in the chocolatey irises as Kihyun analysed them, and lashes fanned a couple of times in successive blinks. Changkyun looked awake, alert, and it seemed that he had really been reached when he tentatively repeated, “Us?”

“Yup!” Kihyun grinned, pleased, leaning back slightly to take in more of Changkyun’s expression, as if wanting to be certain he really understood. There was a sheen to his skin, but he appeared calmer and less upset, the chill gone from his bones and muscles, his jaw relaxed. There was a faint flush in his ears, a pink to the tip of his nose. Kihyun felt that protective surge. Man, he really wished he had a little brother if this was how cute they could be. He leaned back even further smiling.

It was impeccable timing, really. Jooheon, suddenly recharged as if he had only danced for ten minutes and not five hours, bounded over to them. He stilled, tilting his head as he stared down at them, bemused.

“Guys, I think it’s too late to give any beauty tips for tomorrow,” he commented misreading their locked stares entirely and making Kihyun scowl, head snapping in his direction as Changkyun snorted in quiet amusement. “You’re both a lost cause. C’mon! Let’s pick up something to eat and then head home to bed. Seokwon-ah’s stomach is like a canyon over there.” Jooheon’s stomach growled at his own words like a grumbling puppy. Evidently, he was also pretty famished.

“Hah… Jooheon-ah, you’re… Ah, whatever! Fine, fine. Let’s go.” Fighting the urge to roll his eyes, Kihyun shifted from side to side in hope of loosening his muscles, but as he began to push his weight forward, he found Changkyun already on his feet and reaching down, offering a hand to pull him up.

“Hyung, let me help.” Changkyun’s eyes were bright and clear. His expression open, not squeezed by anything unpleasant for the moment. It was adorable. Kihyun’s heart felt full as his fingers stretched out to accept the pull, that moment of weightlessness as he was tugged.

As brief as it was, Changkyun’s hand fit well around his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the moment I post this, I'm going to get right back to writing. Not even a word exists for Track 6, just as not a single word existed for Track 5 when 4 was posted, but, as said, I think I'm somehow pretty on it now? That's an exciting feeling! Apologies if chapters are considered long, it seems like a good 5 or 6,000 words just gets me to a nice ending point in each one.
> 
> So Jooheon has said that he feels Changkyun's the youngest mainly when they write raps together, and Changkyun leans on him for help. I wanted to start building that creative synergy and friendship here from the get go.
> 
> For anyone wondering why Wonho is arguably the least friendly, I'm going off the fact that he and Changkyun just took forever, according to themselves and the teasing of the other members, to warm up to each other. In 2018 they still hadn't eaten alone together?! I will suggest possibly far-fetched reasons for that in the future. At this point, I'm going off Hoseok just not knowing how to handle the mere idea of Changkyun, but later I may push for that becoming more strained - we will see. 
> 
> Kihyun's beginning to get more and more touchy. Uhm, well, reasons for that - Kihyun 'communicates with his body' according of X-Ray season 1, ep 6? Ummm, also, well, he does seem to like touching Changkyun anyway? Ummmmm and also... I just really want to write it? Hmmmmmm.... Oh! Also, beginning to get some connections going for our Dance God and Dance King by sharing how they (in my opinion, wrongly) think they're not good at it.
> 
> Current anticipation: Red vs White team to go ahead in the next chapter, Track 6, probably a build up to the final mission and then in Track 7 will be the announcement of the members of Monsta X? I'm judging this based on if I feel that can come in 10-12,000 words, and I think so? Still need to get back to updating the earlier chapter tenses too...
> 
> Thank you again for reading! I hope seeing more Jooheon especially is nice as he's such a mood maker even in my weak writing, and I hope it's cool to see some of the friendship hints between everyone. 
> 
> I'm off to write some more! Let's get it.


	7. Track 6: 달빛아래 moon walking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stage set for the battle between the Red and White Team kicks into motion with passion flaring. The Red Team works perfectly as a unit, feeding off of one another to grow and shine powerfully on stage. Still, guilt is hard to shake and lingers when the results come, with not only one trainee affected by it. After everything, Kihyun gets some wise words from a friend that encourages him further. The future may be uncertain, but he was certainly doing the right thing. He had to keep going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from Spotlight! 
> 
> Merry Christmas, monbebe! I hope it had been restful and warm for you thus far. Not to throw work at you, as we've all been overwhelmed with hashtags, streaming and voting, but, if you find the time to do more of that after a power up, please do keep up the good work. Let's have Monsta X recognised for their talent!
> 
> Business aside, let's get back to it! 
> 
> So, I only chose to describe one team's performance in this chapter - naturally you can guess which - as I feel like Changkyun's feelings are what helps bring it to life, even if the stage itself isn't described in detail. I highly recommend you watch it, if you haven't - episode 9 of No.Mercy, and it's the first performance of the two. The chapter is very feeling heavy overall, actually? I can imagine how, even if they want to be strong, going through the process of No.Mercy was mentally exhausting and the waves must have been insanely hard to deal with. 
> 
> Advance warning that Minhyuk and Hyungwon are still very cold in this. They won't be warming up just yet...
> 
> With that said, thank you in advance for reading!

Sitting in the waiting room the buzz of energy was incredible. It pushed them to the edge of sanity and danced temptingly on the edge, urging them to take the final step. It was a heady mix of fear and excitement, of desire to perform and panic at the thought of mistakes; it was a delicious, sugared and spiced cocktail, that for all its drawbacks was addicting. Every single one of the trainees hoped to experience it again, to sip deeply and often from the cup, and hopefully sooner than ever, with an upcoming debut dangled before them.

In the Red Team’s room, the screen showing the first of the audience arriving was centre of focus, enthusiastic looking people milling about and chattering as they edged their way through the entranceway. Hoseok was staring at it as if under an enchantress’ spell, wide-eyed, lips parted faintly, as if the people gathering were both the most beautiful and terrible thing he had ever seen. It would be such a different experience to perform for more than the judges alone. With cheers and an audience to work for and with, it would be a sweet taste of the future.

Perched on the edge of the sofa seat opposite the screen, Kihyun twiddled and played with the brilliant scarlet coat he wore, dispelling some of the excited energy running through him. He couldn’t wait, really. He longed to please the crowd with a worthy performance, not just of his own, but one given by the entire group. That would be a bigger satisfaction than a win, in many ways – after all, wasn’t that what performing was all about?

Nearby, Jooheon shifted, so clearly ready to go it was as if he was emitting his own wave of energy. His red baseball cap was being turned about between his long fingers so quickly it resembled the blades of a helicopter, a foot tapping on the floor with mild impatience. It was as if he was on the starting block, waiting for the gun to go off so he could sprint. Seokwon, on the other hand, sitting opposite, looked more nervous each time he dared to turn his gaze to the screen, each additional audience member seemingly causing him to worry just that little bit more. Kihyun hoped he would stop adding to his fears soon, or else it would be hard to call him back and get him to perform as well as he truly could.

Catching Jooheon’s eye, Kihyun raised an eyebrow to which Jooheon nodded.

“Seokwon-ah…”

He called again, catching the boy’s attention on the second attempt. Seokwon jolted his head, staring at Jooheon with huge, round eyes. “Seokwon-ah! Remember, you know this.”

Jooheon’s confident, bright voice seemed to snap Seokwon out of a reverie of nerves, and he laughed weakly, staring at the ground instead.

“Yeah, I do… I do. It’s just – I hope I _remember_ that I know it once I’m up there, too.” He sighed the heaviest of sighs, lacing his fingers together and closing his eyes, head plummeting to his knees. “I hate that I’m a bit scared. This is exactly what I’ve been looking forward to so bad – and still am! Ah, this sucks…”

“You’ll be okay, definitely.” Kihyun watched Hoseok tear himself away from the screen, exchanging a fleeting smile with him, before he moved to pat Seokwon bracingly on the shoulder. “Come on, Seokwon-ah, cheer up! Here, let me take you for a walk round the corridors, get you some air.”

“I’m not a dog, hyung, that’s not going to work…” Seokwon’s tone had a forced resistance in it, but nevertheless he was already standing with a mild quiver, probably keener on the idea than he wanted to let on. He allowed himself to be steered out of the door by Hoseok with no further protest, footsteps slightly heavy on the floor, an evident twitch to his movement.

He’d be okay… Hoseok was good at looking after people. He was used to being the big brother.

As time began to trudge on again, Kihyun absentmindedly rubbed at his throat, thinking it felt a bit dry, layered in what felt like a thin sheet of sawdust. That wouldn’t do. Clearing his throat, confirming it could be better, he rummaged in his bag, drawing it out from beneath the table in front of them, and pulled out a small white container. He unscrewed the lid. It was still three-quarters full with a flour-like white powder, a tiny scoop half buried in the snowy sheets of it. He pinched it between his thumb and forefinger, tapping it on the edge of the container to remove the dustiness about his fingers, and then began to fill the miniscule scoop.

“I guess it’s time to break out the magic powder. Want some?”

His murmured question was picked up by Jooheon, who had moved his eyes to hone in on the container and nodded with a soft hum. In addition, Changkyun, who had been sat near Seokwon on the sofa opposite seemed to perk up, interested. Compared to the night, he seemed completely at peace with himself, as ready to perform as any of them with not a shiver or a sign of hesitation in sight.

“Hyung… what is that?”

The curious tone was joined by a tilted head, styled hair trembling as he leaned forward. Changkyun, dressed in as bright a red, complimented with blacks, as the rest of him, had his hair half drawn back from his face, exposing a high, elegant forehead and making his features somewhat sharper. Kihyun thought it suited him and half wanted to laugh about the fact that they rather matched one another, as the stylists had also drawn his hair back. That thought of seeing a mirror, albeit one that could rap and had a deeper voice by far, was in his head again as he lifted his eyes to regard the boy. He had to hold back a smile. If not quite twins, they certainly looked like siblings.

“It’s this stuff that soothes your throat.” Kihyun explained, smoothing the powder as Changkyun stood up to get a better look.

“I want some – can I?” He sounded so eager that Kihyun couldn’t help the flicker of a smile this time as he approached.

“This stuff is amazing.” Jooheon commented, watching, with the sort of earnest tone that would be offered by an expert salesman.

Kneeling before him, Changkyun dropped to the height of a toddler, expression expectant. He was exceptionally obedient as Kihyun waved a hand faintly, “You have to bend all the way so your head is up – that’s it.”

Mouth open, waiting, Changkyun’s eyes were large, trusting and so Kihyun made a point of being gentler when he leaned in to pop the small amount of powder down his throat than he usually was, hoping to reward that behaviour. “There you go – swallow, Changkyun-ah.”

Kihyun’s eyes slipped from him for a second as the boy before him did as he was told, but snapped back as Changkyun slapped a hand over his mouth and struggled against an instinctive cough. Each desperate attempt of his body to cough was resisted as he stood, wobbly, and tried to return to his seat. The stubbornness against the natural reaction caused Jooheon to break into a grin and Kihyun’s smile spilled, shining as he fell into a laugh at the adorable display.

“You can cough, Changkyun-ah, it’s okay!”

Apparently not in Changkyun’s mind.

Despite every shudder and half choking huff racking him, not one was allowed to become a full-on cough. As silly as it was, it was an impressive display of willpower. By the end, Jooheon was giggling as if privy to the finest comedy show, eyes slightly wet from an unshed tear or two, and Kihyun shook his head with what felt like a growing fondness as Changkyun finally won and released a dusty comment.

“Wow. That was crazy!”

“You’re stubborn, Changkyun-sshi. I respect that!” Jooheon shot a finger gun at Changkyun with a click of his tongue.

Kihyun prodded the rapper’s knee, ready to repeat the process with Jooheon this time. Jooheon was less likely to fall to a coughing fit from experience, but then likely to let his competitive side win out should he feel that urge to. There was no way he would let Changkyun’s stubbornness beat his own. The thought was enough to make Kihyun roll his eyes with amusement as he stood and Jooheon tilted his head back and opened his mouth.

As expected, he swallowed easily, lowering his head after and lifting his eyebrows at them both as if to say, ‘look at me, I’m the best!’

“Such skills, Jooheon-ah, we’re bowled over.” Kihyun commented dryly with a smirk, filling the scoop a final time for himself. As he placed the container down on the table, he found Changkyun staring at him.

“Kihyun-hyung, can I help?” his tentative voice, the softness and honest desire to help. It was…

…Cute.

Kihyun dismissed the offer with a smile and a wave of his free hand. “Thanks, Changkyunnie. I’ll be okay. Your Jooheonnie-hyung isn’t the only cool guy around.” Following this announcement, he strongly suspected he may end up in a coughing fit as a tragic irony, but somehow he did manage to tip and swallow the powder without trouble. He followed it up with a sip of water, cocking his head at Changkyun expectantly, waiting for undeserved praise. Surprisingly, he got just that.

“Super cool, hyung. Probably the coolest!” Changkyun smiled, the first hint of open playfulness in front of more than one of them in his tone. It made both Jooheon and Kihyun openly stare and blink for a second.

Hoping to encourage more of that spark of real personality being bestowed on them, Kihyun sat back smugly, folding his arms and crossing his leg. He tossed his head back and to the side to regard Jooheon with mock arrogance, “Beat that, Jooheonnie. Our little one’s saying I’m cooler.”

Jooheon laughed easily, expression sweet, putting on a sing-song voice, “Hah, well, that’s temporary, hyung. I’ll have him singing a different tune after we perform today! Besides, he’s definitely on my side – we do pretty good work together.” He nodded at Changkyun pointedly, who smiled more widely, happy for the praise.

“That’s true… Also, Kihyun-hyung,” Changkyun turned his dark eyes on Kihyun, the innocent smile becoming more of a smirk. How unexpected… “I’m not that little. Pretty sure we’re the same height?”

Kihyun released a shocked huff, half-annoyed at the comment, half-enjoying every moment. “Changkyun-ah, I thought you had sense! …There’s no way that’s true…”

“Wanna test it out, hyung?” The challenge in his voice, the ongoing smirk. Was this a glimpse at another side of the real Changkyun? It was fascinating, but unfortunately not to be explored more at that moment. Just as they were exchanging grins and Jooheon was beginning to say something that suspiciously sounded like ‘the measuring of the dwarves begins!’, Hoseok returned with a much more stable-looking Seokwon.

Their expressions were filled with a palpable energy now.

“Everyone! Giriboy-sunbaenim, Mad Clown-sunbaenim and Jooyoung-sunbaenim are coming. It’s time – let’s make sure we’re ready now.” Hoseok announced this with a voice a note higher than usual, clearing his throat afterwards as his words were followed by the sound of approaching footsteps from beyond the open door.

Jumping to his feet at once, ready to greet their mentors, their fellow performers, politely, Kihyun gave Changkyun a final glance. Changkyun, shining brightly, the clouds kept firmly at bay, met his gaze as he too stood. He held Kihyun’s eyes purposefully and tucked his hands in his pockets as he straightened, mouthing the words ‘next time, hyung’ with a shadow of a wink.

Kihyun rolled his eyes and looked away with a sigh. To think the kid he’d been so kind to could have a bratty, teasing side.

He had to work harder than ever before to conceal his smile, a smile which was as inevitable as night and day.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

Performing with Kihyun was like waking up for the first time ever and really seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting… _feeling _everything. It was a sensory overload, made yet harder to navigate through the rest of his team pushing themselves to their absolute limits, stains of flashing colour about the scarlet and black of their stage outfits.

Changkyun would quietly admit, if asked, that he had been impressed with his hyung’s vocal talents since he’d first watched him perform; he would go further, and explain how their practice performances together had lit an eager flame in him. He would be less willing to concede that in those moments that they performed-on stage, which felt like a dream painstakingly crafted into the most perfect reality, that Kihyun’s passion was what further ignited his own.

Kihyun had smiled earlier in the dressing room as the whole group of trainees had put their hands atop one another for a rousing cheer. They’d each said something to inspire each other to soar – about winning, about having fun, about doing their best. Kihyun had chosen the audience. “No matter what, we have to make sure they’ve had a good time. Let’s enchant them!”

That was exactly what made Kihyun burn so powerfully on stage now. Every incline of his head, emotional furrow of his brow, practiced gesture of his hand, was for the audience, a need to please, inspire,_ ensnare_ them rolling off of Kihyun in a sweeping, searing aura. His stage presence, although different to Jooheon’s expertly placed aggression, power and fiery dominance, was just as overwhelming as he delicately tangled his voice in harmonies with others, tore notes to shreds and tipped his head back to the blinding lights above them.

He noticed Wonho’s own building poise that would be honed to something sultry and sharp with more performances, Seokwon’s revived energy and charge. But Jooheon’s aura absolutely swallowed everything, like a monstrous creature’s jaws, on his side of the stage, and Kihyun’s demonic charm plunged his own part into his own colour, veiling the stage with his own scent, like dye seeping in clouded swirls in water.

Jooheon would pressure and mould the audience; Kihyun would then weave a spell to urge them in.

Ruby and sapphire, glimmering powerfully.

Of course, Changkyun didn’t see everything – he had his own parts of the performance to thoroughly crush – but the occasional glimpses and the sheer pressure radiating off of the man, along with the pulsing authority of Jooheon at the other end of the arching stage, made his own confidence and passion shoot higher. They absolutely fed off of each other as a team, clawing, gouging their way higher and higher.

Diamond shivered hungrily, ravenous to match them.

As expected, their mentors guided their performance somewhat, but in many ways all of the trainees matched them, desperately flapping their wings in a hope to soar even higher, the song of newly fledged birds longing to outstrip the flight of their parents.

When they came to the end of the performance, the sea of upturned faces, waving signs showing their names in a multitude of colours, the roar and crash of the waves of the fans’ voices, they were all faintly breathless. Until, as planned, Jooheon roared at the 300-strong crowd with knee-buckling charisma.

“I hope you didn’t think it was over!”

The crowd shrieked its approval as the group careered into another run through of the chorus, dancing around the stage, running their voices hoarse. Changkyun was absolutely sold. He’d been certain this was what he wanted to do, and after their performance he was convinced that more than want, it was what he was _meant_ to do. He eyed the trainees standing by his side as they finally gathered up, bowing to the audience, pink-cheeked, chests rising and falling with a rapidity that reflected the fact that they’d all put everything into their performance. It really felt as if… some of them would be by his side in the years to come.

Was it wrong to think that way? Conceited?

As Kihyun flashed him the absolutely happiest smile once they’d clambered down the stairs to the caverns of backstage after flinging teasing, challenging comments to the White Team, aided and abetted by their mentors and encouraged by K.Will’s questions, he found he wanted to be conceited. They had been praised by their mentors, by the cheers of the audience, and were all flushed with the victory of that alone.

“If the audience knows what’s up, we’ll win this,” announced Giriboy with a smug grin, offering each of them a high five in the hanging grey shadows of backstage. “Theirs is like a dance performance. We’ve got this.”

The winning team was to be decided by the audience’s votes alone, and from there the overall loser of that team would be selected through a discussion of the judges, who were, naturally, the very mentors stood in front of them. They wouldn’t be swayed with personal feelings by that point. It was a sobering thought.

“You kids probably also earned some good will with the aegyo,” MadClown rolled his eyes, referring to the v-sign they’d made about their right eyes as they’d been prompted to make a final appeal to the audience. “Annoying, but necessary, I guess. Good job kids.”

“We’d better get over to our seats to watch them. They’ll be coming down in a few minutes.” Jooyoung commented, moving to sweep Seokwon ahead of him as he led the way towards the balcony.

Following behind them all as the group moved forward, Changkyun felt his rushing heart still flying in his chest, that high from the performance holding him up and leaving him fluttering. Ahead, the other members of the team were awash with pleasure, chattering away, if not confident in victory, then confident in that they’d done their utmost and pleased the crowd.

“Did you see them cheer? I think we must’ve really made them have fun,” Wonho crooned, unable to help the smile from tugging at his lips. “Jooheon-ah, you were on fire, you know. I mean, I think we all were, but you especially.”

“Thanks, hyung! I only got so pumped because of all of you, though, and you guys were all just as hot. And I mean h-o-t!” Jooheon swelled with the praise offered to him, but returned it two-fold, genuine and sincere, grinning from ear to ear as they walked, hooking his arm in Wonho’s.

“I really think we did our best and the audience felt that. It was a great stage, guys. I’m really proud of us.” Kihyun was glowing at them as they came to walk through the door leading to the corridor which would take them to the stairs and up. The brightly lit passage shone, and just ahead the sound of approaching footsteps, surely belonging to the other team, could be heard.

Evidently ignoring this, Changkyun found Kihyun grinning at him over his shoulder, eyes sparkling honestly but teasingly. “Changkyun-ah, you were amazing. I think you helped keep Jooheon-ah on his toes, too. Good job!”

Before he could respond to the compliment, Jooheon, too, was adding to it, smiling a smile that radiated contentment.

“You made our stage feel pretty complete, Changkyun-ah! I really had fun.”

“Thanks… I’m really glad I got to perform with all of you,” Changkyun answered warmly as the footsteps before them reached the corner and the mentors of the other team appeared before them. They all came to a standstill to allow the other team to pass by and get to backstage, a mass of red embers awaiting the flurry of snow-white trainees.

As the other team slowly squeezed past them in the narrow corridor, Changkyun felt himself shrink, the pleasant bubbles of their performance popping in the sudden cold he felt directed his way. Whereas the White Team exchanged competitive grins with the other members when they met one another’s eyes, he could only feel a lingering chill and disdain cast his way. Yoonho was the only one to weakly crinkle his eyes in the ghost of a smile. From Shownu there was nothing. It was as if he didn’t exist, the robotic gaze passing over him as if he were insignificant. #GUN was similar, but his expression nevertheless became chilly as he regarded Changkyun, whilst Minhyuk and Hyungwon in particularly seemed endlessly cold, a void filled with what felt like contempt. Somehow, even in the dorms, Changkyun had yet to make any connections with the other team, but they ignored him there. Perhaps the competition made them unable to hold back now.

Ah, again.

Shoulders tensing, fingers beginning to curl without much thought, driven by an instinct, it felt as though the wintery winds being sent his way to pummel and batter him were blocked before he could act on it. Subtly, Kihyun’s hand had slipped into his as if it was something they did every day, and he took a half step in front of Changkyun as if he could shield him from their gazes. The instant warmth that spread through him was like summer, like the sun itself, spreading from the tips of his held fingers all the way to his stomach. Kihyun’s thumb rubbed soothing circles into the back of his hand in continuous encouragement. It kept him grounded and, as seemed to be becoming the trend around Kihyun, he felt completely safe.

His fear and spiking shame dying down, it allowed him to meet their stares, to keep calm, the lump in his throat more to do with a tearful gratefulness than sadness.

It didn’t feel as if anything showed in his face as he didn’t catch any change in their expressions towards him. Instead, both Hyungwon and Minhyuk pointed disapproving looks at Kihyun, who shrugged and smiled, almost mischievous. Expertly, he seemed to direct their annoyance away as they walked by at last, although the expressions on both beautiful faces seemed to suggest they saw right through it.

“Hyungwon-ah, Minhyuk-ah, I’ll be watching for any reason to tease you! Do your best!”

“You’ll be sorely disappointed. We’ve worked everything to death – you won’t find a thing.” Minhyuk’s voice was cocky, a glittering gaze thrown at Kihyun before he looked ahead as he stepped away.

Hyungwon followed, iciness softened momentarily, voice a smug drawl, “Watch closely, Kihyunnie, we’ll show you how it should be done.”

Kihyun laughed, amused, and Changkyun felt himself drawn closer to his side as the teams parted, their own starting to climb the stairs.

He took a deep breath as the other team moved further away, the scent of something flowery, deadly, catching in his nose. His teammates were already babbling again, enthusiastically, after exchanging comments with the other team he hadn’t paid mind to, and he found himself back with them. If not on a high anymore, he did at least feel stable and controlled. Kihyun was still by his side as they took the stairs, so close the scent of a summery autumn seemed to swirl around him. His hand was still held firmly.

“Changkyun-ah, sorry.”

Kihyun’s murmur startled him and he darted his face to look to his side. “What?”

“I’ve spoken to them, you know. They’re… still not there yet. With the whole idea, that is.” Kihyun’s tone was apologetic. A pair of russet, serious eyes met his. “They will be, though, eventually.”

Changkyun found himself thinking Kihyun was more trying to convince himself, vaguely remembering that Minhyuk, Hyungwon and Kihyun were roughly the same age. Perhaps their different views on Changkyun was a source of contention in their friendship? He didn’t want that. And yet… He didn’t want to let go, either. Was that selfish?

“Kihyun-hyung, don’t worry, I’m okay. You’re right, I’m sure.” They were almost at the top of the stairs, he would have to let go in a moment. He bit at the inside of his mouth. “Are _you_ alright?”

His mind buzzed nervously the moment the question was asked. Would Kihyun answer no, say that he’d been spending too many evenings with Changkyun outside of practice and suggest that he’d rather be with his friends?

He was certain he wouldn’t be ignored after all of the kindness he’d been shown, but perhaps he’d been spoiled too much; very rarely had he been forced to sit alone, Kihyun often tugging him to sit with the rest of the dorm to watch something or eat together, or else in their own private corner alone. Sometimes, exhausted, they hadn’t even spoken much, but their shared quiet, something he was noticing more about the older boy, was satisfying in its own way.

Kihyun looked bewildered at the question, cocking his head with raised eyebrows, but then laughed. “Of course, Changkyun-ah! What a cute dongsaeng you’re turning out to be.” His crescent moon eyes were soft, filled with an understanding that shined with fondness and it washed all over Changkyun, encompassing him with something like an embrace. “Hyung will make something nice for you today when we get home. Make sure you think of something good, okay?”

“Sure.”

Changkyun’s hand was squeezed tightly and released as they weaved to take their seats. But it felt as if the hold still lingered like a promise.

Turning to gaze out at the audience, at the stage where the other team would emerge in but moments, he dropped his chin into his hand concealing a smile. It felt as if he’d found someone cut from the same cloth, and each moment they spent together a strong stitch was sewn, holding them together. It was an amazing feeling, like the first ties of friendship.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

_I’d hate to debut like that. It’s like they’re setting you up to fail. Your voice is sounding better than ever though, so nice job._

Kihyun’s eyes had been somewhat glazed when his phone vibrated in his lap. He had gotten permission to use it that evening, but he was getting so used to its absence during the show that he had almost forgotten what it was like to have it by his side. Indeed, his first thought had been some sort of small creature had alighted on his lap.

Opening the message, he frowned, shifting about atop of his bed, the warm weight pressed to his side lifted slightly to allow him to get more comfortable before resting against him once again. His eyes were raw and red from crying some hours before, and even now he felt somewhat tearful. It seemed that the message he had just received from his friend wasn’t likely to enhance his mood much.

_Good to hear from you too, hyung. Thanks for that. Are you well? _

_It’s true that it’s pretty hard, but what makes you say that?_

Rattling off a reply, he waited perhaps half a minute before an answer to his question made his phone twitch again.

_Never better, Kihyun-ah, never better. We dropped a Japanese album last month and we’ve been working on our new mini album right now. _

_Shit’s gonna be good. _

_Playing around with my rap right now for a song we’re probably going to call_ _쩔어_ _. _

_My eyebags have eyebags and it ain’t pretty._

_What a hot look, hyung. You’ve got my heart hammering._

_Don’t interrupt. I thought you were a stickler for manners?_

_You’re right. That was rude. I just wasn’t expecting you to be so chatty. _

_How much coffee are you on? That’s probably not helping the bags._

_Enough to keep me up for a year. _

_My beauty aside, what I mean is they’re screwing with your relationships._

_You mean through making us compete?_

_Sure, there’s that first off. _

_Just take Seokjin-hyung and Namjoon-ah. It took them forever to see eye-to-eye. _

_Can you imagine how much extra crap we’d have dealt with if they were also pissed at each other because of some competition?_

_But take bringing in that kid half-way through as another example. _

_That’s pretty messed up and they planned that – probably from the start he was supposed to be part of the 13. But the way they brought him in was to make it all dramatic. _

_Everyone sounded pissed. _

_Unless it’s not as bad as it looks?_

Kihyun felt his shoulders tighten as he read the messages, and he glanced to his side to where Changkyun was snuggled close, back resting against Kihyun’s arm, head tilted back on his shoulder. He couldn’t see his face, but Changkyun had been as quiet as expected since they’d returned after the battlefield of the stafe. Even eating something more special than usual together earlier had done nothing to draw him out of his shell again.

Perhaps, in reflection, Kihyun’s tears hadn’t helped much either. It probably only made Changkyun feel worse.

Kihyun sighed softly, barely audible.

He liked Yoonho a lot and hadn’t been able to hold back. The reality of someone being forced to leave once again, the sweetness of victory tied with poisonous bitterness that they had made the White Team lose loitered still, even long hours after the tears had lessened to a drizzle on stage. They had all spent some hours huddled together, all ten of them, commiserating. Yoonho would be leaving the dorm tomorrow, and it was all they could do to try to lessen their own guilt by trying to spend time with him.

In many ways it was more for them than for him, and when at last Kihyun had grudgingly realised he was being selfish, he’d tugged Changkyun away with him. The boy had been hovering about the edge of their gathering, awkward and dark, and it had clearly been doing him little good to be there. His head had hung on stage as if scolded when K.Will had painfully announced who was going home, and he hadn’t really raised in even in the dorms.

The past couple of hours since then, they had sat wordlessly on Kihyun’s bed. He hadn’t been really able to speak to Changkyun, as much as he probably should, exhausted, sad and guilty as he was. But he stuck to his word and kept the youngster close. He had said it would be their shared guilt and he wasn’t going to let the boy wallow alone.

He licked his lips, looking back to the screen.

Salt.

It lingered.

Forcing his thumbs to move again, he typed a reply.

_I’m looking after him, and Jooheon-ah and Seokwon-ah have been nice to him. But you’re not wrong. Even Hoseok-hyung is finding it hard and he’s really soft. _

_The others are… worse._

_That’s exactly what I’m saying. _

_Damn Starship and Mnet are getting some great stuff for the show through this, but they’re screwing the dynamics to hell and back. _

_Especially for the kid. _

_Oh._

_You’re not wrong. But._

_That almost makes it sound as if you’re sure he’s going to debut, Yoongi-hyung._

_I’m not saying that. _

_But he does have talent. His voice is also a selling point in itself. Not that I need to tell you that. _

_He’s rare and good. It would make sense._

_That does make sense. _

_I’m actually really tempted to ask who else you think is going to make it, but then I just think I’ll get more stressed. _

_So I won’t._

_We lost someone today, so… Well, you’ll see it air soon._

_As you can guess, we’re not allowed to let anyone know who beforehand._

_Keep it cool, Kihyun-ah. It’s out of your control, as much as you may wish otherwise._

_Yeah. That’s true._

_And I think you’re doing right looking after the kid. _

_I would’ve suggested it if you weren’t already. He’s going to need someone._

_And I’m the best choice for that?_

_Don’t play games, Kihyun-ah. _

_If I’m certain of anyone, it’s of you being in the final line-up._

_That Jooheon, too._

_I’d bet on Jooheonnie, too. _

_You should see him live, hyung. You’d love him!_

_I think I already do. Well, as much as I can love someone I’ve never met. _

_Which, if fans are anything to go by, is apparently a lot?_

_Might turn the feeling into some intense longing in my lyrics for another song. _

_Nobody’d ever know._

_Except me, but I’ll take your secrets to the grave._

_I’d rather not get on your bad side any time soon._

_You know, I’m suddenly really missing you. _

_Soon as you’re done with that shitshow we can meet up again. _

_Let you act like a baby and all that. But don’t get clingy._

_I won’t…_

_Make any promises._

_Ugh, you know I don’t like it._

_Thanks, hyung._

_For what? We haven’t met yet. _

_And I haven’t said I won’t push you away._

_Not for that. For reinforcing that I’m doing the right thing._

_It’s tiring sometimes, just dealing with it all. But Changkyunnie’s a good kid._

_It’s like having a baby brother or a puppy._

_Take him for walks. Don’t make any mistakes there. _

_Toilet training is essential in the first weeks._

_And of course, your hyung always knows best. After debut, you’ll need to work hard to all connect, and you’ll be there to help do that._

_I actually think I love you right now. _

_I can’t stop smiling and it hurts._

_As you should._

_Shit._

_The little ones are coming in to bother me. _

_Seokjin-hyung must’ve been defeated. He was my only line of defence._

_Let me know next time you have your phone and we’ll arrange a time._

_You sound so happy, hyung. I’m really glad! _

_Don’t overwork yourself and get some sleep._

_I remember sleep. Sleep was a good friend._

_Night, Kihyun-ah. _

_And don’t stress._

_Good night, hyung. Love you._

Kihyun truly was smiling, a honed determination in his veins.

Those who met his friend often thought he was cold or snappy, but Yoongi was genuinely hilarious. Or at least, Kihyun’s type of hilarious, and in many ways their personalities just clicked so beautifully that they could spend hours talking. They often had done in the past, especially before Yoongi debuted, but it had been a while since the last time.

The thought of spending some time catching up, alongside hearing exactly what he needed to hear put into smart, clever messages, had lifted his mood and strengthened his resolve.

Dropping his phone to the side where it bounced on the bed once, a small block of red against plain sheets and blankets, a stain of blood, he started when Changkyun’s deep voice finally broke the silence that had been so absolute, it was as if sound had vanished from the world.

“Did you catch up with a friend, hyung?” Changkyun’s head turned on his shoulder, wide, coffee eyes staring up at him. His expression was unreadable, but those sad eyes were like a language in themselves.

“Yeah.” Kihyun rolled his shoulder, Changkyun quickly taking the hint and sitting up politely, ready to move away, only to be enveloped in a tight hug, pulled back against Kihyun’s chest once he’d turned enough to do so. “He’s already debuted. We met through a friend ages back, but we got on well. He talks a lot of sense, and I needed that.”

Changkyun only struggled against his hold in a natural surprise as he was pulled back, losing his balance, but as soon as his brain seemed to catch up with what was happening, he appeared to melt. His hands were up at once to tangle into the long sleeves of Kihyun’s sweater to keep his arms in place, and his eyes sunk shut when Kihyun nuzzled into his hair with a sigh. The much-needed touches had Kihyun’s tension slipping away like raindrops running down glass, easy and freeing. He felt as if he were cuddling a collection of moonbeams. Gentle, sweetly warm, quiet and unobtrusive, a whisper of light in the evening.

“You seem happier. He must’ve done well.” Changkyun commented after a long moment in which they’d simply enjoyed the embrace and just as Kihyun’s mood had risen, Changkyun’s voice seemed brighter, too.

“Very well, yeah. I feel strong, suddenly. Like I can take on anything.”

“…hyung, you don’t mean physically, right? Because I don’t think that’s a good idea-”

Kihyun cut him short with a playful warning, “Respect your hyung, Changkyun-ah. Be careful of what you say next.”

“-without me to help out. Two is better than one, right?” It was clearly a far cry from what he had wanted to say, but Changkyun’s shrewd mind worked quickly, coming up with an acceptable answer, smart enough to not tempt anything with arms snuggly wrapped about him.

“You’re right. I’ll keep you right by my side just in case, like a faithful puppy.” Kihyun threw his weight to the side, head meeting the pillow at the head of his bed comfortably as he dragged Changkyun with him, arms not releasing his body.

Changkyun sounded faintly affronted, “A puppy? Hyung, come on, at least say a dog. A puppy isn’t going to be much help.”

“But you’re still so young, Changkyun-ah, it fits better.”

“… I’m not going to argue, but only because it’s warm and I’m getting sleepy.”

“Mmm, wise choice.” Kihyun loosened his arms enough to allow Changkyun to shift about and become more comfortable.

Sleep was coming for him quickly now that the aching in his chest had eased, a chariot of cirrus horses charging towards him, ready to snatch him away to drift amongst the clouds and stars. But one final thought pressed at him, lifted itself above all the more serious, painful and sad concerns, sweeping them to the side in a blessing of peacefulness.

“Changkyun-ah… are you house trained?”

“…hyung, what?” The tone of disbelief was amusing, even as sleep gripped his hand and urged him to follow.

He found himself grinning.

“Yoongi-hyung said it was important for me to check.”

Changkyun rolled over to face him, eyebrows raised, a smile evident in the haze of curtains falling across Kihyun’s vision. It was good to see.

“…I am. Yeah. Not sure what you would have done if I said no… Jeez, hyung.”

Kihyun chuckled faintly, “Lots of walks would apparently do the trick.”

“We should do that anyway.”

“Yeah… yeah, it sounds nice.”

It really, really did.

Kihyun’s dreams that night, rather than twisted by the guilt and sadness he’d felt earlier, that had plagued every trainee, were filled with endless fields of sunshine and delicately clouded skies dyed periwinkle and pastel. In his dreams a faint barking could be heard, one that he followed, drawn by such a magnetic desire to locate the source of the yaps and the soft, padding prance of paws. He didn’t feel uncertain or concerned however throughout all of it, as golden light and breezes whipped about him.

It was as if the dog he was seeking was being playful, was far from lost, and often it seemed more as if he was the one being followed, the patter on the flossy grass at times coming from behind him, weaving in circles and loops. It was as if they simply couldn’t see each other but were together nevertheless. At last, in the final moments of the dream he spun on his heel to the sound of determined paws and was bestowed a fluffy meeting of a warm, furry body barrelling its way into his arms which he caught and held tight. The contact bounced him from the dream at once.

Kihyun woke with a start to weak, grey shafts of morning light falling into the room.

He couldn’t catch a proper look of what the dog looked like, but in the split second before it had made contact, it had seemed rather wolfish, albeit small, entirely domesticated. In need of protecting. Innocent.

In front of him, Changkyun was snuffling in his sleep, lips parted, hands curled in the blankets, fists akin to paws. Legs stretched as if mid-jump, his shirt had ridden up to expose his stomach, and even as Kihyun noticed this the boy shivered in his sleep grumpily. He must have fallen asleep before finding the willpower to return to his own bed. Kihyun found he didn’t mind at all. He found that he was glad Changkyun was there. Sitting up, he adjusted Changkyun’s shirt, drawing the duvet and blankets up and around him like a cocoon, sitting back afterwards to watch at the way Changkyun curled up into the sudden wave of heat with a deep breath of contentment.

For the first time, he entertained the idea of who would be debuting.

Yoongi’s messages echoed in his mind’s eye.

He bit his lip and looked up at the painted mess of the dull morning beyond the window.

He wondered what was going to happen. The outside wasn’t giving him any clues. It was resolutely shaded in an artist’s pencils.

Grey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll keep it short (by my standards, heh) - if anyone wants to pick my brains about why the heck I'm writing what I am, please do ask and I'll ramble away!
> 
> Hm, so, I mentioned ruby, sapphire and diamond. Mainly as they're very sparkly, as our idols are on stage under the bright lights, but also as red, blue and white are Jooheon, Kihyun and Changkyun's favourite colours respectively. Changkyunnie seems to be very fond of purple now, too? Anyway, I love colour in stories, so there we go.
> 
> Ah, and if you enjoy BTS, have a surprise Suga? I actually had no plans of including him but as I was writing, in my mind's eye he quite literally messaged Kihyun and forced his way in. I appreciate that, actually, as it was a nice way to explore how messed up the way Changkyun was brought into No.Mercy was from the view of them all debuting together. It's as if he was made into some point of hate. But really, if these kids were to debut together, what was the point in that? In addition, I find I'd love to explore Kihyun and Yoongi's friendship more. That one recent video of Monsta X passing BTS at MAMA and J-Hope patting Hyungwon and Yoongi doing the same to Kihyun as they did just made my heart melt. Perhaps I'll mention our BTS boys again at some point. I'd also love to include appearances of other friends of Monsta X, like GOT7 and Seventeen, but I don't know them as well, so we'll see. 
> 
> So, the ending of the chapter should help push me into the next Track! I'll get to it soon as I can. Currently, it's likely to be called 'Track 7: The Final Mission, This game ain’t over till I’m done yeh' with the lyrics from Turbulence. Let's get it!
> 
> Once again, wholeheartedly thank you for reading, commenting, throwing kudos and so on. It really is warming and humbling all at once. Take care, monbebe. Stay healthy and keep fighting.  
With love. <3


	8. Track 7: The Final Mission, This game ain’t over till I’m done yeh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At last, No.Mercy comes to an end with the final line-up decided. In the build up to this, Changkyun spends time with his unit, and takes part in a card game that somehow isn't as unpleasant as he expected. The cold gazes he's given so often have become less piercing.
> 
> The guilt weighs on him when his name is read out, but amazingly the boy most saddened by his friend not debuting still has sweet words for him, and the hand that had so often soothed him is quickly in his once again as Kihyun smiles, too. There would still be a lot to do before they could become a team, but perhaps one of the highest hurdles has been overcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, No.Mercy is over? Really? Wait, no way. Does this mean I'll be diving into completely unknown territory next? I think so!
> 
> I spent more time on trying to allow some bonding for Minhyuk, Hyungwon, Hoseok and Changkyun this time round, as well as popping in some cute Hoseok and Kihyun time as well. Somehow the performances themselves didn't feel as if they needed to be described when watching them is so much better than I can ever hope to describe, so please do check those out if you want to fill in the gaps. The human side of things seemed much more pressing to focus on. 
> 
> Chapter title lyrics from Turbulence.
> 
> Anyway, please enjoy!

Hurting and breaking feelings into shattered pieces is one thing. Mixing that with a manipulation of love is worse.

Continual sadness and harsh disappointment, longing and partings, all of this over time one can become accustomed to. As humans, we’re very good at adapting, even to the cruellest and most unpleasant of circumstances. Eventually we become somewhat… numb. However, how can you make your target sting again once they’re numbed to it? Why, by mixing in some kindness, soft touches, sweet words and joy. Then, the next time you choose to hurt them, every agony will be doubly felt.

Perhaps that was the very reason that, a day or so after Yoonho’s departure, the trainees were to find themselves wandering around a chilly but very beautiful fairground, filled with people, light and laughter. It was the soft caress, the graze of lips, before the next stinging slap of an abusive lover.

_Never forget, you’re part of a show, Changkyun_.

In all fairness, Changkyun wasn’t alone in being suspicious of the motives behind bringing them to this place, still with a host of cameras buzzing annoyingly about them as they explored and tried rides. Jooheon eyed the cameras every now and then shrewdly, Minhyuk didn’t seem to be enjoying the taste of his candyfloss as much as he should, and even Shownu looked more alert and wary. As for Wonho, he appeared positively jumpy, twitching whenever a ride so much as began to power up. It was enough to put Changkyun on edge, at least until Kihyun caught his arm and whispered into his ear.

“Hoseokkie-hyung is afraid of a lot of things like these rides. Try not to laugh.”

Well. Okay. That made him somewhat less nervous by osmosis.

Still, every now and then a trainee would voice how odd this all seemed, whilst another would counter with a comment as to how the audience apparently wanted them to have fun sometimes, so this really _had _to be just from kindness: ‘don’t you remember the Deokspatch episode where they just wanted us to eat?’

Changkyun remained unconvinced and, when they were asked to take a group picture alongside some animal mascots, their large heads faintly bobbling as they moved into position behind the trainees, his suspicions were proved correct when Kihyun, near the back and centre, let out a knowing groan. It was half a nervous giggle, half a sigh of exasperation. It completely encompassed how each one of them felt when they found what caused it.

“Oh, come _on_. I _knew_ it was something like this!”

At his words, all heads swivelled to gaze behind them and eyes took in the announcement on the banner now held between the mascots. It wasn’t K.Will and Hyolyn, as Jooheon had suggested but a moment earlier, but the two huge raccoons still had the same effect with the words presented on the banner in their large, gloved hands.

**Final Mission**  
Leave your mission tags behind and get ready for the final mission.  
**Seven** trainees will be able to debut.

The bold white and red writing stood out like screams against the black of the banner. Screams of excitement or terror was hard to determine, but screams nevertheless. Wonho read the words aloud as Jooheon took the place of the mascots and spread the banner out between his hands.

“It seems that two of us will be eliminated.”

Wonho’s blunt conclusion seemed to echo even in the delighted chattering of the fair-goers, and the fans who had gathered in a loose semi-circle to watch broke into excited whispers at this news. The trainees were deadly silent in contrast, some eyes glazing, others seeing nothing, a few casting searching glances around the gathered group as if looking for some form of comfort. Changkyun himself, standing in between Kihyun and Minhyuk behind Wonho, let his eyes rove over the faces around him. This really was it. If... if he was to somehow be a part of the final line-up, only six of the eight boys around him would be joining him.

The poignant moment of reflection was evidently felt by all of them. Beside him, Kihyun swayed toward Minhyuk as if seeking reassurance, before leaning back and letting his arm bump against Changkyun’s. He wondered briefly what thoughts were passing through Kihyun’s head, a sudden desire to sift through his mind striking him; he wondered, with the tiniest pinch of nervousness in the twinge of tension in his chest, if he was part of those thoughts.

“So it’s set to seven…”

Minhyuk’s murmur felt like a return to reality for all of them. Eyes snapped up and cleared, shoulders were straightened and determined fists clenched. Surely, each one of them carried a heavy burden of reasons for wanting to debut. Not one of them was to be underestimated, not when they evidently were so driven by those dreams and desires.

At last they begin to move, almost mechanically. As prompted by the staff, they one by one removed the badges that had clung to whatever outfit they had chosen to wear throughout the process, the ones which took their names and made them into numbers. The snap and clatter of plastic falling to the floor was both satisfying and chilling. This was it. It really was. No more games or mistakes, no more training wheels. If they screwed up whatever mission they were now given, that might be the end.

The seriousness of it all was a dreaded contrast to the merry sounds, smells and people about them. They were like a damp spot hissing on the face of the sun.

“Let’s go, then?”

Someone spoke as the last badge fell to the floor.

They all moved as one.

A whole that was to be broken at last.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

Hyungwon and Jooheon?

Jooheon was fine… but Hyungwon?

What amazing luck.

The announcement of their units for the final mission had come alongside the news that they would also perform as a full nine-member group. For many, their partners for the former seemed logical, or else they were close friends so it hardly mattered. Kihyun had stood taller to rest his folded arms on Wonho’s shoulder with a grin when their unit with Seokwon was announced and they had moved to chatter. His grin was blinding and easily returned by Wonho who gripped Seokwon’s shoulder encouragingly. Minhyuk was exchanging a high five excitedly with #GUN whilst Shownu looked on calmly with folded arms and a peaceful sort of smile.

For his part, Changkyun smiled at Jooheon who had approached him at once with a chirpy “Let’s get it!” This smile became more delicately strained as he turned it upon Hyungwon, beautiful, tall, eyes cold. It was hard to smile under that pretty expression of disapproval and disappointment. A thorny flower simply daring Changkyun to make a wrong move and be torn apart by piercing points.

Changkyun didn’t feel brave enough to tip the balance, and so he bowed his head at once with a mumble of “Looking forward to working with you.”

“…likewise.”

Hyungwon’s voice was one he hadn’t heard much even in the dorms. It was husky, gently heavy and low, smoothed with something throaty. He seemed to be relatively quiet by nature. Perhaps he was shy in some ways, or else he simply didn’t waste much time on those he didn’t feel were worthy of him. Whatever it was, Changkyun only really heard him talking for extended periods of time with Minhyuk, who he seemed to be close to, and to make snide, playful comments at Kihyun’s expense. The closeness in age must have been a factor after all. He was either deferential to those older, or else seemingly uninterested in those younger.

Jooheon, however, seemed made to break those barriers and he was evidently an exception to that rule, looping a strong arm about Hungwon’s elegant shoulders and another around Changkyun’s. If he noticed the awkward tension, he expertly ignored it.

“Alright, guys, we’re going to come up with something amazing. ‘Something never seen before’, they said. We’ll blow everyone out of the water!” His voice was filled with such excitement, his eyes made small by the full spill of his grin. It easily charmed and soothed a decidedly grateful Changkyun who smiled in turn, and Hyungwon’s expression softened, a faint twist of his plump lips up at the corners.

“Sounds good, hyung. I’m guessin’ you’ve got a lot of ideas already?”

“Not even one!”

Jooheon’s blunt admission to Changkyun’s question made both smiles irresistibly grow as he cocked his head to one side, suddenly squinting at them in deep thought. “Just means we’ll all have to work really hard together to think. I’m putting my faith in both of you. We can do this!”

“You’re right. We’re a bit of an odd mix, so all of us having a say will help to make it more unique and interesting.” Hyungwon’s words were calmly amused, and the look he turned from Jooheon to Changkyun was more neutral, less chilly about the edges. “Let’s agree to speak up if there’s something we’re unhappy about or want. This is the last time we do this.”

Relief sweetly washing over him, Changkyun nodded at once as Jooheon agreed loudly, “Sure, hyung! You got it. Man, this is gonna be great.” His grip about their shoulders tightened, and, well, he must have been stronger than they were, for he easily made them sway with him as he wiggled from side to side excitedly. “I can’t wait for this! Hyungwon-hyung, Changkyun-ah, let’s get going straight away.”

Changkyun was grateful for Jooheon’s presence, for Hyungwon’s professional adjustment in attitude.

But more than anything, he was glad of Kihyun’s slowly growing attachment to him at the end of a gruelling day of practice on the unit and group performances. He sometimes felt shamed at the fact that Kihyun was beginning to baby him more and more, particularly as he himself was an older brother at home and he wasn’t used to it. But somehow it seemed as if Kihyun gained something from their interactions as well, which lessened the guilt, as did the fact that he was given no special treatment in practice.

Whilst he didn’t seem opposed to skinship or contact with others, Kihyun seemed less open to seeking it for his own comfort. Instead, Changkyun suspected that Kihyun used it as a tool for others; he’d stroke Minhyuk’s hair when the man’s head was plopped into his lap; he’d press back with a pointed huff when Hyungwon leaned on him in a way that appeared to emphasise his height, before threading his fingers in the fabric of his clothes and tugging him closer; he’d gently work his hands along the muscles of Wonho’s shoulders when they were stiff. What he never seemed to do, was ask for the same in return.

But with Changkyun, who was beginning to honestly cling to Kihyun, who rather had nobody else to seek affection from, only kind words from Jooheon, it was easy to wordlessly get that contact. Whether it was a pretext of comfort, a genuine desire to soothe, Changkyun didn’t mind. He felt less alone, less tense and nervous of accidentally drawing annoyance from someone when he was pulled close, like an overgrown teddy bear, to be cuddled and snuggled. He even felt that he was giving something back when Kihyun dropped his chin atop his head and hummed quietly, a wordless melody that seemed at times familiar, at other times a complete unknown.

“Is Hyungwon-ah behaving?”

Changkyun blinked, lulled by the warmth engulfing him, tugging him from his concerns. Senses dulled, it took him a moment to fully process the question, but at last he nodded, his hair fluffing up beneath Kihyun’s chin at the movement.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah. Jooheon-hyung just - well, just by existing he helps a lot, but Hyungwon-hyung… I think he was planning to keep his cool from the start anyway?”

“Mm, well, Hyungwon-ah’s actually really smart, so I’m not surprised… Still, I suppose I couldn’t help worrying a little.”

“What? Is his tongue really _that_ sharp?” Changkyun felt a shiver of fear as his imagination ran wild at the kind of things that might leave Hyungwon’s mouth, and perhaps he had actually quivered in a noticeable way, for Kihyun’s arms tightened about him protectively.

“Like I said, he’s not stupid, especially not with his words. But it’s not as if he’d ruin his own chances at winning, just because he doesn’t like you.” Kihyun rocked Changkyun like a baby, as if reading his mind and feeling the internal recoil that had hit at those words. “But see, even little things seem to hurt you Changkyunnie. I was worried about that.”

Changkyun wanted to sulk at the fact he’d been read so easily when he so often presented an impassive front, but another part of him felt glad at the obvious exposure and at the chance to be spoiled and protected. “…I’m not that weak, hyung.”

“You’re not.” Kihyun agreed kindly, tilting his head to rest his cheek on Changkyun’s velvety hair, tone pacifying, as if speaking to a child. “You’re strong. But even strong things have weak points. I somehow want to help keep yours hidden.”

That felt good.

Changkyun wiggled, hoping to turn his head to the side so their cheeks may touch – he had vague memories of nuzzling into his mother’s face as a toddler and that it had made her smile – but before he could act on the impulse a voice cut into the conversation and two boys joined them on the mattress sat on the floor of their living room.

“Kihyun-ah. We’re going to play a game, d’you wanna join?” Minhyuk waved a pack of cards about brightly with one hand.

He froze as Minhyuk and Hyungwon sat on either side of them. What should he do now? He was completely unsure if this would make Kihyun feel awkward with his friends and, as soon as he was released, if he should politely exit the room. He may have gotten on well enough with Hyungwon during the day, but outside of what was clearly considered work, he may not be as lucky, and as for Minhyuk… well, they’d yet to exchange a pleasant word.

The moment of release didn’t come however. Changkyun couldn’t see Kihyun’s face, but he certainly felt the arms about him pulling him more strongly to Kihyun’s chest. Apparently, he wasn’t going anywhere.

“Minhyuk-ah, it’s almost one in the morning. Isn’t it a bit late?” Kihyun’s tone, so soft and affectionate for Changkyun, took on an amused, dry sort of lilt which made Changkyun suddenly feel young, the two or three years between the three and him a sudden barrier.

“Come on, it’s not as if any of us will be getting a normal amount of sleep until the end of the show, so what’s a couple more hours going to do?” Hyungwon matched the tone, smirking somewhat.

“Just remember that tomorrow morning, yeah?” The warning had no reprimand, however, and Minhyuk joined in at once with a laugh.

“That’s true. Hyungwonnie, you’d better set three alarms, ‘cause I won’t be helping. We’re enemies right now, after all.”

“My heart is absolutely wounded.” Hyungwon rolled his eyes. “Jooheon-ah will wake me up, in that case.”

“Or maybe Changkyunnie will?” Changkyun twitched at Kihyun’s words as two pairs of cool eyes glanced at him, as if remembering he was there, but before either could comment, and before he could stutter something nervously, Kihyun continued smoothly. “Is Hoseokkie-hyung joining us?”

Hyungwon’s eyes lingered on Changkyun for a moment, whilst Minhyuk’s snapped away instantly, as if annoyed to have even shown awareness of his presence.

“Of course. He might to try to police us and get us to bed soon though, especially you because you’re in the same unit. Just tell him you’re sleeping like a log lately or something and he’ll relax.”

“Got it, got it. So, five players, then.” If Kihyun noticed the disapproving expressions and Changkyun’s own stiff body, he didn’t show it and then cut in swiftly as the two men tried to voice that he was incorrect. In his chest, Changkyun’s heart pounded uncomfortably, feeling completely out of place, a child interrupting older siblings who didn’t want him around. “Well, four and a half, I suppose. But Changkyunnie’s gonna be my hands because I’m really comfortable right now.”

At that, Changkyun couldn’t remain quiet. “I – what?”

His words of confused protest were drowned as Wonho entered the room, trailed by Seokwon who was rubbing his eyes, it was enough to distract Hyungwon and Minhyuk for a moment. Kihyun, pulled him to sit up straighter and backed them closer to the wall, making space, whispering into his ear as he replaced his arms firmly, now about Changkyun’s middle.

“You’ll do great, Changkyunnie. Besides, look, Seokwon-ah’s here, too.” It was clear that Kihyun had determined this may be a way to grow some bonds for him, but Changkyun was filled with doubt that it had any chance of succeeding. Still, he had no reason to say anything against someone so clearly concerned for him, so he nodded.

Wonho sat ahead of them, body twisted, one leg crossed atop the other, as they formed a squashed oval of a ring. Seokwon crawled to one side, perching behind Minhyuk with a sleepy yawn giving Changkyun a nod of greeting.

“Oh, is Changkyun-sshi joining us?” Sounding surprised but otherwise keeping his voice neutral as he glanced about at them all, Wonho’s eyes lowered, staying for a beat too long on the arms snug about Changkyun.

“He is, hyung. He’s going to make sure I win this time.” Kihyun’s competitive words didn’t sound put on and a grin was on his face as he leaned over Changkyun’s shoulder. “Don’t be jealous that I have a secret weapon.”

“Ha. Well, you need every bit of help you can get, so I’m fine with it.” Hyungwon’s smirk was in place once again and he seemed at peace with the idea. Minhyuk shrugged after a moment in acceptance, shuffling the deck with the tiniest of pouts. Wonho stared but said nothing for a few long seconds.

“Let’s get Seokwon-ah to play, then we can play Mighty. Five’s a good number for that.”

Minhyuk hummed in assent, muttering under his breath, “I think you mean five and a half.” He prodded Seokwon’s side, urging the boy more into their ring. “Okay, rock, paper, scissors to pick the first dealer.” A few nods, and Minhyuk then sang, “ahn naemyeon jingeo, gawi bawi bo.”

Three of the other boys put out rock, whilst Changkyun and Wonho both chose scissors. He didn’t mind much as the three played once again. He wasn’t very much familiar with the card game, so he’d rather avoid any added pressure. However, he could practically feel the competitiveness radiating off of Kihyun sulkily, who was clearly the type to hope for any sort of win.

Hyungwon won, being passed the deck of cards and shuffling it a few times, he leaned to the person to his left, Wonho, to have it cut. At that, he began dealing: first one card each, then two each, three each, and finally four each. The final three cards were placed face down in the centre of the slightly lumpy black mattress.

With that, the game begun. Although at times Kihyun whispered explanations or suggestions into his ear, for the most part he held himself back and allowed Changkyun to make his own decisions. A few times that worked in his favour, at others it made him squirm and chew at his lip sulkily. One thing that was certain, however, was that as time went by the atmosphere seemed to lighten. Jokes and teases flew this way and that, and despite the late hour their eyes grew brighter and expressions softer. Hyungwon seemed more like he did during the day, perhaps a tad friendlier even, when he rolled his eyes at one of Changkyun’s choices, shaking his head with a faint laugh. Wonho seemed to relax and smiled more often at everyone, and Minhyuk appeared to forget to dislike Changkyun, even though he sometimes avoided eye contact. Seokwon, already something akin to a friend became chirpier as the older boys settled, and grinned brightly at Changkyun when he won a round, flashing him a thumbs up.

Eventually, Changkyun began to forget his intimidation and caution, his mood light, although the weight on his right shoulder seemed heavier as time went on.

As the latest game came to a close and they began to exchange looks, wondering if they ought to play again, Wonho’s eyes crinkled in a warm smile directed just to the side of Changkyun’s face. “I think we should stop. One of us has already gone and I can bet the rest of you will start dropping soon. Besides,” he glanced at his watch and up again, “It’s gone two. We’ll need to be up in a few hours.”

Changkyun looked out of the corner of his eye at his shoulder and, sure enough, Kihyun’s face was turned to his, eyes shut, lips ever so faintly parted, small puffs of his breath warming Changkyun’s neck. He was completely asleep and unaware, although he held on nearly as tightly as before.

“That was fun, hyungs. Thanks for letting me play!” Seokwon was stretching massively as Minhyuk gathered the cards up and Hyungwon seemed to deflate, eyes lidded, as if realising just how little sleep he was going to get and starting to regret his choices.

“I’m not surprised you had such a good time, Seokwon-ah. You won almost half the games.” There was a definite pout to Minhyuk’s voice as he jumped to his feet. “Thank god we weren’t playing for anything. You’d leave your hyungs poor as heck.”

Seokwon chuckled but didn’t gloat, serenely floating from the room. “Heh, well, gonna do my teeth and then head to bed. Night.”

Hyungwon and Minhyuk began to follow, pausing momentarily.

“You’ll be alright waking him, hyung?”

“You’re soft-hearted, you’re not just gonna stay quiet, are you?”

“I’ll be fine, get to bed already.” Wonho waved at them as if to dismiss them, waiting for them to go before turning back to Changkyun and the still sleeping Kihyun.

Changkyun had only half watched the others depart, more interested, although he wasn’t sure why, in analysing Kihyun’s face. The tiny frown that often pulled at his eyebrows faintly whenever they’d slept together was gone. In fact, Kihyun seemed more relaxed than he ever had done in his sleep. He mused what could have changed but when he felt a stare turned on him, more intense than the one he was directing at Kihyun, he quickly gave up on the thought.

Wonho was gazing at them, expression unreadable, arms folded. He didn’t react as Changkyun turned his head to stare back, holding his gaze until it began to feel uncomfortable. Wondering if he should break the silence, or perhaps just wake Kihyun up and start dragging him to his bed without saying anything, Wonho chose that moment to speak.

“…It’s almost as if he’s adopted you.”

“…” Changkyun wondered why the words felt like an accusation, but nodded after a beat. “Hyung’s always kind to me.”

“Kihyunnie’s always been like that, ever since I first met him. But I’ve never seen him so attached…” Wonho unfolded his arms, resting his chin on the palm of his hand as his unwavering stare continued. “I wonder why. Why you?”

Unsure if he was meant to answer, Changkyun remained quiet. He didn’t think Wonho meant anything by the way he spoke, but he did wonder why it felt as if there was a thin vein of jealousy pumping between them when neither the man’s tone, expression or body language seemed to imply it. Was he imagining it?

“Don’t burden him, okay?”

Now, if that wasn’t a way to plunge a knife of guilt into someone. Again, he was unsure if it was meant the way it felt, but the way his stomach clenched was painful. He swallowed, feeling as if a warm, safe blanket, one that had become somewhat stronger during their games from but moments earlier, was being snatched away. What could he say to that? 

“Changkyunnie’s a good kid. Don’t scare him, hyung.” Kihyun’s tired voice seemed to emerge from nowhere and Changkyun realised with a numbed surprise that the weight from his shoulder was gone.

“What? No, I didn’t mean it like that.” Wonho sounded slightly guilty and Changkyun wondered what sort of expression Kihyun was making to achieve that; he wanted to turn to catch it but resisted.

“If we debut together, he’ll be one of our youngest. I’m just getting used to that now.” Kihyun unwound his arms at last and patted Changkyun on the head as if he were a puppy, or a young child. “Besides, I don’t see it as a burden? I like being with Changkyunnie.” He paused for a moment, as if to let it sink in, whilst Changkyun’s ears and cheeks flushed and Wonho became more pensive, considering his words. “I think… when you get to know each other, you’ll feel the same, Hoseok-hyung. You’ll want to spend time with him, too.”

Wonho didn’t deny it. He pondered for a few moments but then shrugged with an incline of his head. “Maybe… You’re right, I might. Sorry, Changkyun-sshi,” he added to Changkyun, his expression genuinely apologetic. “I didn’t think about how that sounded.”

Changkyun shook his head quickly, “You’re just trying to be a good hyung to Kihyun-hyung. It’s okay.” He managed a weak eye-contact with Wonho, before darting his eyes to one side and realising Kihyun was staring at him adoringly.

“You are such a good kid,” Kihyun repeated and pet his hair with a hum. He then stuck his tongue out at Wonho playfully. “…Actually, you can just feel jealous when you get to know him, hyung. I won’t be sharing our Changkyunnie.”

Those words lingered in Changkyun’s mind long after he’d tucked himself into bed. They blurred the uncomfortable moment into nothingness, and he glowed with warmth at feeling so wanted. It was a feeling that would persist the next day and hold him strong whenever something felt like it might make him crumble.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

His cheeks flushed, heart was still a few beats faster than usual from both their performance and the comments by the judges. As they plunged into the charcoal and smoked corridors of backstage, Kihyun tugged Hoseok into a tight hug.

“Well done…! We really did it.” He breathed deeply as Hoseok released him to embrace Seokwon. “You worked the hardest,” Kihyun added with a weak, happy smile at the youngest. “One down, just one to go.”

Hoseok and Seokwon looked a mix of relieved, pleased and lost, as if each performance was a count down to the end of the world. Well, in some ways, perhaps it was an end to the world they’d lived for the past few months. What a strange death to feel approaching.

“I just did whatever I could,” mumbled Seokwon shyly, releasing a breath and gazing up at the black of the barely visible ceiling above them; he then blinked as one of the production team, hovering with the cameramen, threw a question their way.

“They called all of you sexy; how did that feel?”

Kihyun huffed a laugh, fiddling with his earpiece, “That was the first time I’ve ever heard that.”

“I think I’ve finally come of age,” chimed in Seokwon with an echo of a laugh.

Hoseok’s eyes were bright, too bright, as he cocked his head to one side, “Hey, guys, come on. It’s all because of me.” It was half a joke, half a nervous need to say something in front of the camera. It made Kihyun instantly play off of the comment in a need to support him, though his grin was honest.

“Of course. Thanks for that, hyung.”

He reached out to shake Hoseok’s hand, whose fingers caught his own and didn’t release them for a drawn-out moment, even as Seokwon patted his arm with a chirp of ‘sexiness master!’ It was clear that some sort of feeling was rising in his friend. With only Hyunwoo, Minhyuk and Gunhee’s performance standing between then and their final group performance of the whole show, the pressure was probably beginning to build a little.

Once they had all knocked their fists together and let out a cheer for the cameras as a show of fighting spirit, Kihyun made a point to quickly start herding them away from the staff the moment their backs were turned. Perhaps they could snatch a few calming moments as they started getting ready for the full group performance.

As they trailed Seokwon, who in contrast to the last mission, was positively bubbly this time round, Kihyun gave a pointed look to Hoseok, lowering his voice. “Hyung… are you okay?”

Hoseok seemed to twitch, his shoulders tensing for a second before drooping beneath his furry coat, his hands loosely clenching. “Yeah… Yeah. I just – it’s hitting me. That it’s… so close now. I’m not even scared or anything, I just – I think my head just started processing it. That we won’t all see each other every day like we always have after this.”

Kihyun stared ahead as their steps slowed and they came to a halt some metres from the waiting room, Seokwon whipping out of sight, light pouring forth like liquid sun to sharply contrast with the darkness they stood in. He waited for a moment, allowing Hoseok to continue should he need to, but when the silence dragged on, he turned to the warm presence beside him and felt a sad twinge in his chest at the way the man’s head was hanging slightly, eyes on the floor. Whereas Kihyun had begun dwelling and stressing over the sad truth of their final separation not all that long after Changkyun had arrived, eventually finding some sort of peace in Yoongi’s words, his own choices and his own quiet fondness of those around him, Hoseok had evidently been avoiding it, perhaps afraid of confronting the idea.

“Hyung, really… Don’t go thinki-”

Before Kihyun had the chance to start forming some vaguely comforting words, although he had less clarity than usual as to where is mouth was going to take him, Hoseok’s head had snapped up, darkest amber eyes piercing his own.

“Kihyun-ah.” Two hands were on his shoulders and Hoseok’s voice seemed strained. “We’ll stay friends, right? No matter what happens, we will, right?” His grip tightened somewhat, causing Kihyun to frown from the feeling and Hoseok’s words. “I’m sure you’ll make it, but-”

“Hoseok-hyung.” Kihyun sighed, trying to keep his voice steady whilst his own emotions threatened to creep higher. “Don’t go deciding who’s making it and who isn’t. I don’t like that.” His hands lifting, he caught at Hoseok’s elbows, softening his gaze as he felt the faintest of trembles. “You’re popular, hyung. And you’re good at both singing and dancing. You have as good a chance as any of us, so don’t go thinking you’ll be rid of any of us yet.” Another tiny tremble. “You’ll be seeing me every morning for the next however many years.” He searched those familiar eyes carefully, hoping his words were soothing for as much as he meant them. “Does that sound okay?”

Hoseok stared for what felt like forever. Chances were it was merely a handful of tense, endless seconds, and for a few of those the fingers on his shoulders squeezed all the tighter, as if afraid of letting go. But at last, after an age, that pretty smile Hoseok was still too shy to properly show on camera appeared, and his tone took on a glowing sort of happiness. “Better than okay… I’d be so happy to see you first thing when I wake up every day and forever. Let’s make that a promise?”

He really was such a gentle person, so easily hurt, so easily comforted. It was somehow overwhelming.

Swallowing the well of emotion that had been drawn up, Kihyun laughed cheerfully as Hoseok let go. “Hoseokkie-hyung, that sounded like a proposal! You’re gonna make your future fans swoon if you speak that way to him.”

“Well, I like you a lot…” Hoseok pondered for only a moment, looking playfully serious, and then offered his arm like a groom to his bride. “So, let’s just say it is one. I’ll make another one to our fans when I meet them.”

Glad to see he was calmed, Kihyun took his arm and pulled him strongly along, “Deal. Our morning marriage will probably last a long time. Everyone else hates getting up anyway.” Mind now moving back to their circumstances, like a tactician tightening his jaw in the middle of a war, Kihyun thought of the screen in the waiting room that must surely be showing the next unit’s performance. “Come on, let’s hurry up. I wanna see how Minhyuk-ah does.”

He kept a firm hold on his friend until they stepped into the embracing safety of the light within the room, the shadows kept at bay. For now, at least, the darkness was chased from both their hearts, but, as expected, it wasn’t to last.

Their final performance.

The first and last time they were to perform as a nine member group was made up of everything they had.

Every shred of energy, passion and hope, every dream, every painful moment in the practice room, every glare, frown, smile and laugh, all the jealousy and pride, every hour of lost sleep, every wish from a parent, a friend, a teacher. Every desire to stay side by side. Everything went into that final performance they shared together.

They rose from the floor, black silhouettes against blood red lights. It was as close to perfection as they could make it, with each move practiced so much they achieved a slick intensity, with chances for all their voices to shine. It ended in a burst of elation after they broke their final pose. A sense of freedom, of fate taking away that burden that had hung heavy over them for so long. It would no longer be down to them.

That performance lasted for a day of eternity and all of a second of nothingness. It felt, to Kihyun, like the end of the childhood of their trainee days and the birth of their new lives. It didn’t seem to stop, and yet it was over far too soon. As they bowed in thanks to the swelling screams of the crowd and the affectionate, almost parental cheers of the judges, he smiled.

The end of the longest three months had come at last.

_We haven’t even started yet. Let’s burn, burn._ The lyrics they had sung really said it all. At least, they would be true, for seven of them.

The judges spoke, filled with nothing but praise for all of them, proud, adoring, kind. Kihyun barely remembered what they said, the words of his fellow competitors were so much more important when they were asked to speak afterwards.

Kihyun listened to their words, but more than anything, he listened to their voices. So many feelings were held in the notes of their sentences. The rises and falls of their syllables told him so much.

Pride, thankfulness, relief… Two voices were different, however, and those were the ones that most made him pay attention even within the euphoria of it all, with occasional cheers spilling forth from fans in response to their words.

Changkyun’s deep voice stood out from the rest for that reason alone, but it also played a melody that had Kihyun leaning out to watch him more closely. The boy clearly felt grateful for the opportunity, unworthy in many ways and, perhaps from his ongoing mood swings, he sounded as though he was almost certain that this was the end for him. Kihyun pursed his lips a fraction in response, looking away again. It dampened the pleasant wave, drew him back to Hoseok’s sadness in the corridor earlier. Minhyuk only made it worse.

When he spoke, there was nothing more than could be said other than that Minhyuk was convinced he would be one of the two left behind. He tilted his head back after he spoke, blinking hard and shaking his head at the audience with a wry sort of smile, as though refusing to cry. The fact that he really liked Minhyuk, who had thrown friendship his way so openly once he’d allowed his brighter personality to show, made it all the harder to listen to.

It was… heavy.

By the time they were all lingering in the brightly lit entry way, sometime after the audience, who had voted, had gone, Kihyun was discreetly chewing his lip. They lounged about on the steps, knowing full well that fifty percent of their fate was up to the judges, who were now deliberating, but for most of them it was with all the release of tension of students sitting exams. They’d been asked to shoot a few moments of reactions and a quick Q&A, but now they were left to their own devices conversations, laughter, with all the fervent giddiness of the promise of a soon to come freedom was pouring forth.

Throughout, Kihyun watched Minhyuk, whose smile never quite reached his eyes, whose laugh, unless you knew it well, seemed passable, but lacked its genuine wholesome sweetness. He fluttered to Jooheon, to Gunhee, to Hyungwon and Seokwon, like a butterfly unable to land on a petal from fear, a wave of energy that seemed happy for everyone except himself. It was painful to watch.

Changkyun, in turn, seemed little better. He sat on the outskirts of the group, smiling ever so vaguely whenever Seokwon or Jooheon would address him, and nodding with even greater politeness if a word or two came his way from Hyungwon or Hoseok. But otherwise he seemed completely detached, a heavy gloom settling on him like a veil. He remembered how Changkyun had admitted he’d feel just as bad winning a place as losing, how that guilt was being dragged about with him like shackles pulling chained weights. Again, he cursed the way the boy had been introduced. Yoongi was right, it had been calculated to the decimal point to add impact, but without thought or care as to how it would hurt the kid and those he would have to be friends with. They had always been thirteen masquerading as twelve.

Kihyun’s lip hurt.

The brightness of all around them was too much; he almost longed to return to the splashing darkness and spotlights of the stage to get that final verdict and have the ache sliced away. It would hurt, but they needed to desperately begin healing. As it was, the rot continued festering for all of them.

Somehow, he must have moved without conscious thought, Kihyun found himself beside Changkyun. He sat automatically next to him, close enough to touch, to work his hand into the one half curled at Changkyun’s side, but he didn’t. For now it didn’t feel like the right thing to do. Perhaps it would make those feelings all the worse. Instead, he sat there wordlessly, and, under the din hummed to himself, soothing his own heart and nerves, hands cupping his chin, elbows on his knees. Beyond the doors ahead of them, the evening stretched serenely, humming lights, hissing traffic. By his side he felt, more than saw the tiniest smile Changkyun offered him before a hand clutched at the edge of his top near his hip, hesitantly at first and then more tightly.

They remained without words.

None were needed.

♫♪♪♫♫♪

Kihyun’s legs felt stiff, numb as he stepped onto the second podium from the right ahead of them, catching Jooheon’s hand in his own and giving it a tight, affectionate squeeze.

“Proud of you, Jooheon-ah!”

“You too, hyung.”

Their ghosted words faded in the breath of the drawn-out process of the next name about to be read out began. About him, the spotlight felt like a beam of silver surrounding him in a solid, inescapable ring. Kihyun turned to glance at the far end of the stage where Hyunwoo stood on the furthest podium from them and exchanged a tiny nod as his heavy heart tried to soar. Two vocalists and a rapper already, who would be next?

The three stared at the floor, unable to look ahead, or glance behind as they waited; but at last K.Will called out Hyungwon’s name.

“Hyungwon, congratulations.”

The young man managed a weak sort of terrified smile, sucking in his lips to bite down hard on them as he shuffled down the steps towards the podiums on stage, moving to stand beside Hyunwoo as a cold white beam of light suddenly shot down to catch him in its gaze.

A wry happiness at being able to carry on exchanging jabs at one another played in the back of Kihyun’s mind as all four offered faint smiles to each other and their stomachs continued to churn. To his right, Jooheon seemed to be more nervous than before. It was no secret that the name he surely most wanted to be called out was Gunhee’s. Kihyun, too, had a few names he hoped to hear; he’d admit as much to himself, even if he rather longed for all of them to just go on together now. The seven podiums were a clear refusal to that wish.

“The fifth trainee will be… Wonho, congratulations.”

But a few moments later, Hoseok was standing beside him, and as he’d done with Jooheon, Kihyun reached out to grab his hand. The brush of their fingers echoed their promise to spend each morning together from just an hour or so earlier, but as honestly happy as that made him, Kihyun’s insides felt heavier than ever with each name called. Beneath his feet, the flaring light from the podium made his eyes swim, making it seem as if he were standing so far away from the four boys still waiting, hoping. From the grim expressions on all of their faces, the others must be feeling that distance more and more. It was unnatural. Wrong.

Inevitable.

“Only two spaces left now.”

K.Will’s unnecessary reminder made him chew his abused lip again. A deep breath. Another. Just to keep him calm.

“Our sixth member will be… I.M congratulations.”

Later, when he finally braved watching the final episode with the new members of their group, resting listlessly against Hyungwon’s side, he would seek out Changkyun’s bent knee and hold it tightly as he watched the boy in question descend the stairs. From the moment he had appeared on the stage, right until long after filming had ended, Changkyun never once looked up. He stared down as if into the pits of an abyss, eyes seeming almost shut, the hood draw so firmly on his head that his features were shadowed. He looked tiny and alone, weighed down by more than should have been thrown on him as he stepped onto the podium beside Hyungwon, not allowing even the tiniest flicker of happiness to light the shadows on him. Even the spotlight couldn’t penetrate them.

Kihyun had known Changkyun would make it after watching his unit with Jooheon and Hyungwon. Neither of the younger boys might have noticed it, but the chemistry to their raps, their contrast in voices and styles, was undeniable and it had sealed their fates. It had seemed likely before, but after that it had become certain. He felt an irrefutable contentment as he heard Changkyun’s name called, followed by a guilt when he found himself eyeing the final podium to the centre of the stage. He felt bad to celebrate a single person when three still awaited their fate.

By this point, Jooheon was rocking back and forth from side to side in a show of growing panic; he must surely be trying to calm himself with the knowledge that very few idol groups of their sort of size would have but two rappers. It would surely be Gunhee joining them. It had to be… right? Above and behind them, it seemed that Seokwon and Minhyuk were thinking the same. Minhyuk especially had a smile of heart-breaking finality in place, as if this was to be the last time he saw his friends, as if this was his time to say farewell. After not making it in other agencies, he must have thought it was simply history repeating itself once again and come to peace with the idea. His serene, kind smile was breath taking, heart shattering.

And so, when his name was then called out as the seventh trainee, it was with an evident and vast shock that Minhyuk walked down the stairs unsteadily, as if staggering through a dream, as Changkyun’s head hung even lower and Jooheon’s body quivered then stilled, as if shot with an arrow, tears running down his face. Jooheon’s face glistened with the wet streaks as he stared up helplessly towards the ceiling.

Between the two, Kihyun had definitely connected more with Minhyuk, but that didn’t make listening to Gunhee's final comments any easier, nor Seokwon’s more soft, accepting words, before they were directed from the stage and vanished.

Only seven remained.

Seven young men, more divided and fractured than they should have been. Minhyuk, like Jooheon, was crying; Hoseok’s eyes were shining with unshed tears like stars.

Surely, this wasn’t the line up that they had each imagined. But now, at last they could come to terms with it and take steps to becoming a whole.

K.Will allowed them a few minutes of time to breathe and collect themselves before pushing on again.

“Here we have our seven members ready to debut! I know you can’t be all too happy, but remember you have to work even harder for them. I look forward to hearing a great album from you guys.” He sounded like he meant it. They were handed a microphone to pass along so that they could share their thoughts.

“I… I’m so happy I made it, but I’m so sorry for them, too. I wish I was nicer to them.” Hoseok seemed to choke slightly on his final few words before handing the mic to Kihyun. He didn’t want it, not then, all the sadness and tears around him pushing him towards his own.

“I’m super happy, but because of the two guys…” He quickly broke off, hiding his face as at last the tears spilled. It had been such a long three months, it really had, and the happiness and guilt were both so heavy. He felt tired. His mother had always said he was a cry-baby, so, perhaps this should have been expected.

The judges gazes were filled with sympathy, some pairs of eyes also moist with empathetic tears, and a few looked away when Jooheon was passed the microphone and spoke in a shaking voice, quivering tears still running down his cheeks. “It has always been my dream to rap on stage together, and #GUN’s, too. I’m sorry we can’t make it come true… And I thank Seokwon-ah, who endured so much at a young age…”

Down the line, Hyungwon glanced at Minhyuk who blinked wetly at him, and both looked away again, hanging their heads. Again, all seven stared down, united by their sorrow and heavy happiness.

“Lift your chins up. You aren’t winners yet! You just have a chance at it.” K.Will broke in to the quiet again.

“I think you guys deserve to celebrate,” added Jungiggo.

Rhymer’s words were perhaps the most important, in Kihyun’s view, as he spoke following a pregnant pause. “Look around you.” They did as he ordered, awkwardly meeting each other’s eyes. “You guys are a team now. On that stage where you stand, so many singers perform every week. You’re on it today. You fought against your friends, but when you get to stand on that stage again, you’ll be fighting against real professionals. The guys next to you are your teammates and your only hope of support.”

“You’ll have a lot more to cry about and more difficulties on the way,” continued Hyolyn, “I hope you toughen up more now.”

“Starship finally has a new boy group and these are the seven final members!”

K.Will’s announcement echoed in Kihyun’s ears as streams of golden, shimmering confetti rained down from above. In moments Minhyuk’s arms were tightly around Hoseok as he jumped to his podium; Hyungwon was shaking Hyunwoo’s hand and smiling as Hyunwoo laughed faintly, ‘I can’t believe I’m debuting with this good-looking guy’; Jooheon was looping an arm around Changkyun, whose head still hung, pushing the hood from his head with a kind smile, his tear soaked words sweet, ‘You have to work hard, okay?’

Some time later, after the stage was cleared and they were told they had a final few scenes to film, that in a week or two they’d be given their idol group name and they’d have to film an introduction scene, Kihyun felt something hard and heavy softly bump into his shoulder on the dark stage as they started to move. Changkyun had nudged his head into Kihyun’s shoulder blade, even now, eyes so resolutely fixed on the floor.

“Changkyunnie?”

“It… I feel so bitter, hyung. I can’t stop the taste.”

Changkyun’s words were a desperately hopeless sounding whisper. It was enough to clear his head and make him strong. Now… Now was the time he had to become reliable and solid for those around him.

This time, Kihyun took Changkyun’s hand in his. It was the right time to do so. The way the boy’s hand gripped back tightly, desperately, told him so. He hummed cheerfully, swinging their arms back and forth and smiling, waiting until Changkyun was forced to look up, to question what was happening. His dark eyes were so adorably confused, enough to start to push some of the sadness aside.

“Don’t worry, Changkyunnie. Your hyung’s a good cook, remember? I’ll have you tasting lots of different flavours soon.” Kihyun made sure his voice sounded pompous and confident, smile growing larger.

Changkyun stared and stared. At last he laughed, shaking his head with mild disbelief, eyes softening. It was a few notes higher than his usual voice, childish and pure.

Kihyun wanted to hear it again.

When at last his laughter died, Changkyun this time took the lead, giving him a tiny tug and leading them down the steps. “Mm. You’re right… Let me help out when you make something?”

“Of course. Stay by my side, our little maknae, Changkyun, and you’ll learn so, so much!”

“I’ll be right there, hyung.” The note of determination was decidedly very cute.

“Good! I’ll hold you to that.”

It felt as if Changkyun’s fingers held tighter than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, in all honesty I struggled with this one somehow. Perhaps because it was the end of No.Mercy, I somehow felt the need to close it well? Honestly, I don't think that I did, and perhaps I will rework it down the line, however I did have some fun getting to write some of the other members of Monsta X more in this, so... that has merit, right? Either way, apologies for any errors or clunkier writing than usual.
> 
> The reason Shownu's been seen so little so far is that he's such a quiet and reserved person, I can't imagine him forcing himself into many of their games as of yet, and in addition he isn't close to Changkyun at this point (for certain) and of course we get the impression he's not all that close to Kihyun either. Now that we're down to seven, and our Shownu-sshi will be made leader, I anticipate that will change. 
> 
> I have something to get ready for work tomorrow, but as soon as I'm done with that I'll climb on into writing Track 8. Work itself has made me tired in the evenings lately, which is also reason for taking so long for this. I'll snatch some now as much as I can! I have the feeling that I may also find writing easier now that I lack requirements in terms of key events I HAVE to follow, as well as people (ie. other trainees) I don't know well to write, and in the few months of training I'll probably let myself run a little wild as I explore their relationships growing. I hope nobody minds! Somehow our Monsta X does seem to get on quite well by the time they debut, but of course they were in shreds, especially in their relationship with Changkyun, at the end of No.Mercy. I'll try to avoid going down the 'oh my god, we all sooo detest Changkyun,' route, as I do feel life is more complicated than black and white emotions. I've tried to show some of those fluctuating emotions (such as Kihyun's kindness having an underlying bitterness a few chapters back, and Minhyuk/Hyungwon forgetting to dislike Changkyun when they play cards, as well as Hoseok reflecting on how he sounds when he speaks to the poor kid, but longing to protect his friend), but I'll try to do better with that.
> 
> Thank you so much for comments, kudos, and for sticking with me on this journey so far! I will get round to replying soon, especially as those comments/ acknowledgements always act as a pep up potion for me to get writing, so I appreciate them so much. In fact, one I saw posted yesterday slapped me in the face with a 'jeez, come on, what are you waiting for - people are actually thinking about this, and a few like it?! Get moving!' as it was so kind. Thank you for that! :)
> 
> All my love! <33

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the result of sitting up in bed suddenly at 2am some 4 or 5 nights ago and realising, hey, I actually really want to write something. This was then typed at furious speeds and I'm fairly certain I was asleep but an hour later, so I suppose it's really born of a manic frenzy!
> 
> Oddly enough, I've not written a fanfiction, or in fact anything much, in a good 6 or 7 years, so I'm going to be exceptionally rusty. Only my love of Monsta X could have prompted this, especially as I feel weird as heck writing about real people.
> 
> As for pairings (because I'm sure you're wondering) I'm not sure how far I'll go with that. The only pair I actively support is, of course, Changkyunnie and Kihyunnie (I'll read others, of course!), quite honestly because after hours and hours or VLives, XRays, Right Nows, the things they've said about each other and answers they've given at fansigns, and even watching their countless appearances on variety shows, they are the only two in Monsta X I can sense something deeper to in their relationship.
> 
> The way their behaviour has changed from clingy in the early days, to more calculated and careful in more recent years suggests there's something more beneath the surface. Whether that's simply a deep friendship or something ever so slightly romantic, I don't know, but these two are fascinating enough for me to want to speculate in the same way I do for Jimin and Jungkook's friendship. Thus, I'm writing this!
> 
> As I hadn't realised that you had to wait to make an account on here (frequent user, never a member!), I've had soooo much time to write. Scarily enough, I have over 20,000 words already and am in the process of working on Track (chapter) 4, which means I can post some more of this sooner rather than later - instant satisfaction, am I right?
> 
> Indulge my weirdness, and I hope you, dear reader, have a fun time reading this.
> 
> All my love <3
> 
> p.s. Native of the UK, so all spellings will follow the British-English style. Extra u's and fewer z's for all! Ahahah.


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